Extreme fear

[wasteandvoid]

The life I made for myself before I could feel anything was made completley out of fear and limiting self beliefs. Now that I am facing everyday with how I really think and feel and wish to be, I feel weak and powerless. Like I am nothing without my fear and controlling, and that was the only thing that got me through. I just wanna enjoy myself but I hate this world most of it is so fucking painful. I dont know where to go in life anymore.

What I want is extremely simple, just an enjoyable time in nature alone and left to explore what I want to and have fun. Do something creative and explore things for no other reason than to have fun and see how I feel. I dont care about progress anymore I just want to be safe to cry, to feel what I feel, to be honest with people around me. I hate improving, I hate gaining, I hate grandiose ideas of what I could be what my life could be. All of that is and was so painfully stressful. I never wanted that, all of it was just given to me by someone else. Because im not good enough im not safe to be who I am. Im worse than other people because im genuine and open and feel my feelings. I need to be tough and never show emotion and impress everybody. Thats what they say. All ive ever wanted is to STOP to COMPLETLEY STOP and never move again. I dont care about running away from the present moment anymore to gain more security in my life with "career" or "self improvement" who cares. Who fucking cares. Im done all I want is peace, slowness, ease, to not care about time. To not care about a single milestone. Because I honestly dont. Leave me the fuck alone.


Unfortunatley that is extremely hard to do and achieve without insane effort that I dont know if I can call forth inside of me anymore. All the stress from the past is what made me go forward and do anything, but now I cant. Im too tired im beyond burnt out, I literally quit. Fuck you

Maybe I need to change my relationship with doing things


I hate that people put me on a leash and dangled a carrot in front of my face, that I can only be in the present moment after "x" is fulfilled. Or indirectly told me im not allowed to have it ever. People in society especially school weaponize enjoyment and its disgusting.


I dont know if I have a place in the world as an extremely sensitive person. Everything is so devastating all the time. I hate having a job, a "life", being fake to other people. Fuck society entirely. They sell you imaginary problems you never cared about, and make you waste your life doing shit you never wanted to do.

Nobody ever allowed me to have my life as my own

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I sympathize. Not sure where you're from but what you're saying reminds me a lot of the American Dream; constant growth and hustle culture is glorified at the expense of actual fulfillment. Go to school, get good grades, pick a career, then slave away at that career for thirty years, all while pushing away your humanity for a grind that doesn't even benefit you as much as it benefits those above you. If you don't like it, you're a "failure" or "lazy."

I'm highly sensitive and work culture is just too exhausting. Humans were just not designed for this.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

I can strongly relate to everything you've said. The world beyond yourself is as you've described it, completely disingenuous and focused on the non-existent future rather than appreciating things for what they are at the moment and going from there. Once you've learnt to get rid of all the fear and self-limiting beliefs that the world instills upon you as you get older, you get so much clarity and happiness in knowing what you genuinely want to do in life and try to live in the moment. Structure and order is no longer necessary, you're just content to do things as they come to you and lead a well-adjusted life, improvise as you go along and not caring about goals or objectives. Pure action, no ideal, and that's the most ideal life to live in practice.

Then you get constantly put down again and again by the people around you, every step forward is every step backward. You start to realise that all the negativity that you learnt to let go of is precisely what drives other people forward, but you can't fall in line with that, that's such a horrible life to lead. It's hard to lead an existence as genuine as a child's in a world where people act like Gods by enforcing control over others. You're not at all wrong in what you're saying, it's really hard to be genuine and stay true to yourself in a society where people do the exact opposite, a feeling of non-belonging emerges.

It's very awful when the solution is to not take the world seriously and pretend to like how things are, and then achieve what you want to do. If that's the case, then there's nothing that I really want to do. All I want to do is whatever I can do at the moment, and leave the rest in other people's hands. Doing my best and leaving it at that is the most genuine thing I can do for myself. And I can only do my best at any point in time, I'm not a God to think what could have been in the past or what can be in the future, I'm only myself. Maybe that line of thought can be of help, although it's hard to accept. Wishing you well regardless.

 

[KillingPain267]

This is why I believe in moneyless anarcho-communism. All land, factories, tools of production etc. should be open source free access, so if a machine is currently not used, you should be able to go work with it (IF that's what you like). If you like writing, you should be able to just write and publish it online for whoever wants to read it, and you should have free access to food and clothing while writing. Those who like cooking should just cook for themselves and others. And so on. No leaders, no CEOs.

 

[wasteandvoid]

I can strongly relate to everything you've said. The world beyond yourself is as you've described it, completely disingenuous and focused on the non-existent future rather than appreciating things for what they are at the moment and going from there. Once you've learnt to get rid of all the fear and self-limiting beliefs that the world instills upon you as you get older, you get so much clarity and happiness in knowing what you genuinely want to do in life and try to live in the moment. Structure and order is no longer necessary, you're just content to do things as they come to you and lead a well-adjusted life, improvise as you go along and not caring about goals or objectives. Pure action, no ideal, and that's the most ideal life to live in practice.

Then you get constantly put down again and again by the people around you, every step forward is every step backward. You start to realise that all the negativity that you learnt to let go of is precisely what drives other people forward, but you can't fall in line with that, that's such a horrible life to lead. It's hard to lead an existence as genuine as a child's in a world where people act like Gods by enforcing control over others. You're not at all wrong in what you're saying, it's really hard to be genuine and stay true to yourself in a society where people do the exact opposite, a feeling of non-belonging emerges.

It's very awful when the solution is to not take the world seriously and pretend to like how things are, and then achieve what you want to do. If that's the case, then there's nothing that I really want to do. All I want to do is whatever I can do at the moment, and leave the rest in other people's hands. Doing my best and leaving it at that is the most genuine thing I can do for myself. And I can only do my best at any point in time, I'm not a God to think what could have been in the past or what can be in the future, I'm only myself. Maybe that line of thought can be of help, although it's hard to accept. Wishing you well regardless.

Thank you I felt like you really saw me and I feel really good about that, I think there is hope we can move forward and process things as they come. I think its a personal exploration that needs to happen for every person, to decide if you want to view the problems the world gives you as your own responsibility. I hope you have the best future also

This is why I believe in moneyless anarcho-communism. All land, factories, tools of production etc. should be open source free access, so if a machine is currently not used, you should be able to go work with it (IF that's what you like). If you like writing, you should be able to just write and publish it online for whoever wants to read it, and you should have free access to food and clothing while writing. Those who like cooking should just cook for themselves and others. And so on. No leaders, no CEOs.

I have no idea about how any of that would work so i cant say anything

I sympathize. Not sure where you're from but what you're saying reminds me a lot of the American Dream; constant growth and hustle culture is glorified at the expense of actual fulfillment. Go to school, get good grades, pick a career, then slave away at that career for thirty years, all while pushing away your humanity for a grind that doesn't even benefit you as much as it benefits those above you. If you don't like it, you're a "failure" or "lazy."

I'm highly sensitive and work culture is just too exhausting. Humans were just not designed for this.

Yes i feel the same