jpeq
Zombified and lingering in limbo 💤🧟
- Jun 15, 2025
- 12
Massive whiny vent but ohh god where do I even start?
This entire year has been a shithole, and after two relatively good years it seems I was entirely unprepared for it. I started college in January, and in the time since I've been fighting for my life to balance my education and personal life while being dragged through the mud medically. In these 8 months I've gathered at least 4 new diagnoses, all of which I saw coming, but it's destroying me now.
I finally got my Narcolepsy diagnosis, which only flared up about 4 years ago. As great as it is to be recognized, I'm also beyond stressed, cus not only do I have to report it to the Transportation ministry (for public safety) and risk having my license taken, but the medication that I need to live is near impossible to get and isn't insured. It'll cost me CAD$30,000 MONTHLY. For medication. Medication that I cannot function without, because I'm currently missing most of my classes, am sleeping 10 hours daily, and can't wake up before 4PM.
Alongside that, I was diagnosed Bipolar just before being tanked into one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. I saw the diagnosis coming but wasn't happy about it, especially given I'm apparently type 1 when I genuinely convinced myself my symptoms weren't that bad.
Now I'm bickering with my doctors and insurance to give me my medication for both issues, while fighting the pharmacy to refill my ADHD medication (which I've waited two weeks for) because they slipped up and lost the prescription fax, and I am barely functional enough to fight.
I am so depressed I can't think. I don't know what happened, I don't know what to do. My brain is muddled, I can't think, I can't get up, I'm scared and overwhelmed and while I'm scrambling to pick myself up the world is just flying by. I can't do it myself but nobody will fucking help me either, I've asked and pleaded and my parents aren't listening and my doctors aren't listening and my college doesn't care and my friends don't take it seriously enough because they have their own struggles and I am just making a fool of myself by asking.
My college semester is coming to an end and I'm behind, I can't think enough to do my work and I've been planning to email my profs about it for two weeks now. What the fuck do I even say? Sorry for not being up to date with my work, my brain's fucking itself over? Sorry for slacking off, what do I need to do to get a barely passing grade? Hahaha. Ha. I'm sitting here staring at my wall and playing video games and sleeping and dreaming about killing myself instead of just sitting down and working and writing a fucking email because when I even think of doing it my brain locks me into a panicked shutdown and I have run out of options.
I'm genuinely so fucked and I'm so exhausted that all I can do is sit here and watch everything fall apart around me. I'm scared and paralyzed and I can't bring myself to do anything about it anyways. For the first time in years I'm considering ctb again, contemplating self harm and self destruction because fuck I feel like I deserve it at this point, that I should feel some sort of pain or punishment for sitting here and just taking it even though I know some of it is beyond my control anyways. Maybe if i ctb I can avoid the fear, I can avoid the consequences and the shame and the disappointment and the damage I'm causing myself by not having my shit together. But it's another thing I'm paralyzed about, which is almost funny in a sick way. I'd cocktail my medications and take them all with some booze as a chaser, I'd take a walk out to the bridge over the freeway, I'd drown myself in the river running through downtown, but I can't even leave the house on a walk, nevermind go out to end my shit. I feel braindead.
This entire year has been a shithole, and after two relatively good years it seems I was entirely unprepared for it. I started college in January, and in the time since I've been fighting for my life to balance my education and personal life while being dragged through the mud medically. In these 8 months I've gathered at least 4 new diagnoses, all of which I saw coming, but it's destroying me now.
I finally got my Narcolepsy diagnosis, which only flared up about 4 years ago. As great as it is to be recognized, I'm also beyond stressed, cus not only do I have to report it to the Transportation ministry (for public safety) and risk having my license taken, but the medication that I need to live is near impossible to get and isn't insured. It'll cost me CAD$30,000 MONTHLY. For medication. Medication that I cannot function without, because I'm currently missing most of my classes, am sleeping 10 hours daily, and can't wake up before 4PM.
Alongside that, I was diagnosed Bipolar just before being tanked into one of the worst depressive episodes of my life. I saw the diagnosis coming but wasn't happy about it, especially given I'm apparently type 1 when I genuinely convinced myself my symptoms weren't that bad.
Now I'm bickering with my doctors and insurance to give me my medication for both issues, while fighting the pharmacy to refill my ADHD medication (which I've waited two weeks for) because they slipped up and lost the prescription fax, and I am barely functional enough to fight.
I am so depressed I can't think. I don't know what happened, I don't know what to do. My brain is muddled, I can't think, I can't get up, I'm scared and overwhelmed and while I'm scrambling to pick myself up the world is just flying by. I can't do it myself but nobody will fucking help me either, I've asked and pleaded and my parents aren't listening and my doctors aren't listening and my college doesn't care and my friends don't take it seriously enough because they have their own struggles and I am just making a fool of myself by asking.
My college semester is coming to an end and I'm behind, I can't think enough to do my work and I've been planning to email my profs about it for two weeks now. What the fuck do I even say? Sorry for not being up to date with my work, my brain's fucking itself over? Sorry for slacking off, what do I need to do to get a barely passing grade? Hahaha. Ha. I'm sitting here staring at my wall and playing video games and sleeping and dreaming about killing myself instead of just sitting down and working and writing a fucking email because when I even think of doing it my brain locks me into a panicked shutdown and I have run out of options.
I'm genuinely so fucked and I'm so exhausted that all I can do is sit here and watch everything fall apart around me. I'm scared and paralyzed and I can't bring myself to do anything about it anyways. For the first time in years I'm considering ctb again, contemplating self harm and self destruction because fuck I feel like I deserve it at this point, that I should feel some sort of pain or punishment for sitting here and just taking it even though I know some of it is beyond my control anyways. Maybe if i ctb I can avoid the fear, I can avoid the consequences and the shame and the disappointment and the damage I'm causing myself by not having my shit together. But it's another thing I'm paralyzed about, which is almost funny in a sick way. I'd cocktail my medications and take them all with some booze as a chaser, I'd take a walk out to the bridge over the freeway, I'd drown myself in the river running through downtown, but I can't even leave the house on a walk, nevermind go out to end my shit. I feel braindead.
