returntostardust
the damned don't cry
- Feb 22, 2025
- 8
Since I moved out I've been doing everything I can to keep myself busy and not having negative thoughts. Ofc there have been ups and very low downs. As of late I've been having a very peaceful day to day life.
My adhd makes me not really miss people, as long as I can contact them it's mostly good for me. So you can imagine that I have to keep a note to myself to call my family and check up on friends.
My parent (who I am not very comfortable with) recently experienced some personal difficulties that made them fall really deeply into depression, it has now severely affected their job quality, physical health and even safety on the road. It's hard for them, and no matter how much I want to say "you now understand how I felt, you now realise how little you cared when I was there" I can't. I don't know how to comfort them because the only time they comforted me was when it was too late. I tried but I know for myself that only they can make an effort to get better, it's impossible to force someone going through this to do what they don't want to (they are taking medication but I'm honestly not sure it's helping, all they do all day is try to sleep).
I feel selfish for this, but the mixed feelings of worry, disgust, anger, annoyance and fear are making me feel extremely down. As if on autopilot I do other things that would make me temporarily forget about my family's predicament, about where this situation leaves me. Honestly I want to run, I want to erase any memory of them and move forwards and never look back, for myself, for my own happiness, but I feel horrible just thinking of it. No matter how shit my life was with them they're still my family and in their generational trauma mindset they knew no better. Idk.. It's weighing on me and every time I sit with myself I feel like I'm about to spiral. Will everything get better eventually? What would I do if they got worse, what would happen if I stopped contacting them? I can't take care of them. I physically can't bear to be in the same room with them longer than a couple of days.
I don't know I don't know, I see roads ahead but I am hitting an invisible wall, I'm stuck and my mind is haunting me with thoughts of cutting the road short instead. It's like I'm being torn by completely backpedalling and falling back into a depressive episode or continuing pretending as if this isn't happening and focusing on distractions. I was, am, finally doing alright, I was hoping that that would be the case for my relatives as well, but things got south so quickly I don't know what to do
My adhd makes me not really miss people, as long as I can contact them it's mostly good for me. So you can imagine that I have to keep a note to myself to call my family and check up on friends.
My parent (who I am not very comfortable with) recently experienced some personal difficulties that made them fall really deeply into depression, it has now severely affected their job quality, physical health and even safety on the road. It's hard for them, and no matter how much I want to say "you now understand how I felt, you now realise how little you cared when I was there" I can't. I don't know how to comfort them because the only time they comforted me was when it was too late. I tried but I know for myself that only they can make an effort to get better, it's impossible to force someone going through this to do what they don't want to (they are taking medication but I'm honestly not sure it's helping, all they do all day is try to sleep).
I feel selfish for this, but the mixed feelings of worry, disgust, anger, annoyance and fear are making me feel extremely down. As if on autopilot I do other things that would make me temporarily forget about my family's predicament, about where this situation leaves me. Honestly I want to run, I want to erase any memory of them and move forwards and never look back, for myself, for my own happiness, but I feel horrible just thinking of it. No matter how shit my life was with them they're still my family and in their generational trauma mindset they knew no better. Idk.. It's weighing on me and every time I sit with myself I feel like I'm about to spiral. Will everything get better eventually? What would I do if they got worse, what would happen if I stopped contacting them? I can't take care of them. I physically can't bear to be in the same room with them longer than a couple of days.
I don't know I don't know, I see roads ahead but I am hitting an invisible wall, I'm stuck and my mind is haunting me with thoughts of cutting the road short instead. It's like I'm being torn by completely backpedalling and falling back into a depressive episode or continuing pretending as if this isn't happening and focusing on distractions. I was, am, finally doing alright, I was hoping that that would be the case for my relatives as well, but things got south so quickly I don't know what to do
