Story Farewell! [My goodbye thread]

[GalacticWarrior777]

Everything good ends quickly, doesn't it? But I didn't expect my luck to run out this quickly.

I assume many of you don't know me yet, so I'll try to state everything as shortly as possible.

The true username of mine will be shared on friday, I'm still in High School due to failing 2nd year and 3rd year. Currently on last year. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress and trauma ever since I turned 6. I live in an abusive family, where freedom of speech and thoughts is non-existent. When I was 6, my brother had an epilepsy attack and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I was 10, my brother's friend died brutally in a car crash. It was the first real devastating experience for me. Around 3 years later, my uncle died. Also the same year, my brother had another epilepsy attack, which happened right infront of me. My dad has alcohol and anger problems, while my mom has just anger problems. They often would argue, but from time to time the what so "peaceful" argues would turn into serious conflicts, during which I was scared all the time, often would just stay in my room and put on something to mute their voices, which I still do to this day. Throughout all the years, even after telling my parents that I want to visit a psychologist, they never agreed to let me visit one, so quite literally, I was left with all the stress and trauma fully to myself, which had soon started evolving into more serious problems, such as depression and anxiety. To this day I never had visited a psychologist, even when I tried to visit one by myself, I was being stopped by my family. My family doesn't believe in mental problems and think that it's all just fake and that I'm fully fine, and that there are way more important things, such as school.

I've tried finding help in friends, but none of them were willing to help. I went from having over 15 friends to having only 1 "friend" nowadays, as all of them left me after I tried telling them about my mental problems. I'm still being bullied a lot due to my fucked up sense of humor by the idiots. I've switched to living fully online, as I find people way cooler here. I've met a couple of wonderful people online, and am grateful to their support, sadly, it is not enough, and will never be enough. Such problems are to be fixed from the root only.

Anyways, that would be all you need to know about me. I've recently had some luck, and somehow I actually felt less depressed for the past couple of weeks, but it's all gone now. It's no longer here. My luck has ended.

I've already postponed my CTB by 3 months, and I don't feel like it's worth waiting any longer, that's why I've made a decision to CTB this friday. If it won't work, then keep on trying until success.​

I can't take it anymore, that there's so many people that have finally got to rest, but I'm still waiting like an idiot for some miracle. Some of you could be curious about my method, so I'll state my plan below:

• I check if I have everything I need to CTB on thursday
• 1 PM friday, start fasting
• 9 PM friday, minimalise water consumption
• 10 PM friday, take ibuprofen or paracetamol,
• 10:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. Otherwise wait until 11 PM.
• 11 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, drink SN. If not, take ibuprofen or paracetamol again.
• 11:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. If not, postpone the CTB.
• 12 AM, drink SN.

Do the preparations somewhere in the meantime. Once SN is taken, lay down and comment under this thread about the experience until I pass out. Prepare a bin near my bed for possible vomits. If vomit, take 2nd cup of SN UNLESS I can't due to taste or other problems.

I'll need to make sure that everyone in my house is sleeping. It is a risky choice to CTB in my house, but under just the right circumstances, it is possible to do it. I'm still thinking about running outside and doing it somewhere on a field, but it won't be as comfy as doing it in my house. I'll try my best not to vomit, as vomitting will increase the risk of being found due to loud sound.

That's my plan. I hope it all works out and I finally get to rest well <333

I will miss my online friends, as they have made my life just a bit less miserable and helped me escape from all the stressful events. I will also miss you all, as I've found this community so different from everyone else that it's just hard to describe. It's caring and united so much, as we all suffer and share some things in common.

Feel free to ask questions, i'll try to reply to each single one of them up until my CTB. I'll be noting down the experience, and hopefully I get one of my online friends to stay on call with me until I pass out? Either way, I wish that each single one of yall also gets some well deserved rest from all this suffering.

Galacticwarrior777​

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope that you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[reyonrays]

Sorry to hear your family didn't support you, and even stopping you from seeking help.
Can't imagine what it must have feel like throughout the years, without any support and the feeling of abandonment.

I hope you will finally be free of all the suffering you have endured, be strong!

I wish you all the best. sending hugs!

 

[cohomology]

You've emphasized the fact that you've never been allowed by your family to see a psychologist in bold, which makes me think it's still important to you.
I want to make sure that you're aware that there are still ways to get access to mental health professionals even when your family doesn't allow you to. Your family does not have the legal right to prevent you from accessing mental health professionals. Just explain how your family tries to prevent you from accessing help and how you feel to police or other officials and they will help you get what you want.
I just want to make sure you're aware of your options before you make any big decisions.
Anyway, I very sorry for how you feel and what happened to you and I wish best of future luck for you.

 

[maniac116]

It sounds like you have PTSD from all that has happened in your life.
I was raised in a crazy home life too.
I hope everything goes as you planned. I hope that peace & love finds you.
You deserve that!

 

[SVEN]

Very best wishes for your finding rest and peace, Warrior.

 

[wren-briar]

I feel the need to suggest that you consider talking to your school counselor or call a warmline and tell them you're dealing with mental health issues.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I just want to make sure you're aware of your options before you make any big decisions.
Anyway, I very sorry for how you feel and what happened to you and I wish best of future luck for you.

I'm aware that there are still options for me, but judging by how many times I've failed already, I'm just too tired to even try anymore. And even if I did somehow succeed to make it to the police station, or make a call to a proffessional, if my parents would find out about it I'd be pretty much done for.

The root of all my problems is in my family, so first of all, I would have to change my family for anything to even start working. And then, there's months of recovery from all the damage done to me if I would succeed.

I feel the need to suggest that you consider talking to your school counselor or call a warmline and tell them you're dealing with mental health issues.

I already have told my school counselor about it. My parents were brought to school, nothing was changed, and I ended up in a way deeper hole than before, as my parents got even more mad at me for making my family look "Foolish and idiotic". As I've already stated, they believe that all mental health issues are fake, and that it's just a way of the younger generations to gain attention. They say that only war veterans and psychopaths have mental issues, and everybody else is just faking it. Oh, they also don't believe in such things as stress, anxiety, fear etc.

It sounds like you have PTSD from all that has happened in your life.
I was raised in a crazy home life too.
I hope everything goes as you planned. I hope that peace & love finds you.
You deserve that!

I wouldn't say that I have PTSD, but I often have panic attacks, and from time to time, I hear someone calling my name or someone saying something, even if I'm fully alone by myself, but that happens very rarely. It's hard to tell how often does it happen, as sometimes it can happen even multiple times a month, while other times it can happen once or twice in 2-3 months.

 

[wren-briar]

Not a therapist, but I have CPTSD, and have to agree with maniac116 that it sounds like it's one of the things you're dealing with.

Since you're over 18yo, is there a chance that you can move away from your parents? Maybe reach out to domestic violence resources near you.

To be clear, I firmly believe in your inalienable right-to-death, but it sounds to me like you want to live -it's just that you don't want to have to live with the costs of your parents' abuse- and I have so much empathy for your need to escape such a destructive environment!

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Not a therapist, but I have CPTSD, and have to agree with maniac116 that it sounds like it's one of the things you're dealing with.

Since you're over 18yo, is there a chance that you can move away from your parents? Maybe reach out to domestic violence resources near you.

To be clear, I firmly believe in your inalienable right-to-death, but it sounds to me like you want to live -it's just that you don't want to have to live with the costs of your parents' abuse- and I have so much empathy for your need to escape such a destructive environment!

I've already been thinking of moving out, but I can't really find time to get a job to get enough money to even move out of the house. And even if I would get the money and finished HS, I don't think they would even let me move out. It took me brother over 2 years to get them to let him move out, and they agreed only because he moved out to the capital, to work at my cousins agency, in his apartment. So I can't think of any way to move out, and I don't have the energy to argue with them anymore.

Also, I've just read about the cPTSD, and it kind of suits my life, so maybe I do actually have it? I'm not sure, but could be.

 

[wren-briar]

A domestic violence shelter may be able to house you while you complete high school and get a job.

Such a group may also have the connections to ensure that your parents aren't able to impede you legally as you move on with your own life.

(Since you're 18+, depending on where you live your parents already can't actually prevent you from leaving. From the sounds of it, even couch surfing until you can get a job and place of your own sound healthier than living with them.)
fwiw: I too grew up in an abusive home, albeit not as bad as what you're describing. I thankfully had a job but no savings (i.e. there was no way for me to pay first and last months plus deposits, etc.). I was able to find a landlord who let me rent an apartment without a deposit and I moved out on my 18th birthday.

This was 3.5 decades ago, and times have changed. While finding a landlord willing to give you a chance is less likely, finding someone renting a single room who might give you a chance is probably a comparable option, but the awareness and support for folks escaping abusive homes is so much greater than it was when I left home!!!

Heck, you can even join the military, where you'll be guaranteed housing and a job! (Just don't mention mental health issues if you go this route!!!)

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

A domestic violence shelter may be able to house you while you complete high school and get a job.

Such a group may also have the connections to ensure that your parents aren't able to impede you legally as you move on with your own life.

Ive looked for such shelters, but don't seem to find any in Poland. And even if there are such, I believe there arent any in my region.

 

[deadstillwalking]

You're such an amazing person! I wish you luck with anything that is on your mind.

 

[wren-briar]

I'm monolingual and in the States, so I'm limited in how much I can help, but it looks like there may be some support:

Housing rights of Polish victims of domestic abuse in the UK

A housing rights guide for professionals supporting Polish victims of domestic abuse in England and Wales

www.vestasfs.org

https://mapujpomoc.pl/en/blue-card-in-poland-assistance-for-victims-of-domestic-violence/ (the page starts by talking exclusively about the blue card program, but later on it does also talk about and links to other alternatives)

duckduckgo is also showing a link for https://www.gov.pl/web/unpaid-help/free-yourself-from-violence with the description, "
https://www.gov.pl › web › unpaid-help › free-yourself-from-violence

Free yourself from violence - Unpaid help - Gov.pl website

by phone - calling the given Poviat registration number; online - sending an email to the given Poviat's designed email or filling the form ..." But when I try to translate, I get redirected and I can't search in english
I'm monolingual and in the States, so I'm limited in how much I can help, but it looks like there may be some support:

Housing rights of Polish victims of domestic abuse in the UK

A housing rights guide for professionals supporting Polish victims of domestic abuse in England and Wales

www.vestasfs.org

https://mapujpomoc.pl/en/blue-card-in-poland-assistance-for-victims-of-domestic-violence/ (the page starts by talking exclusively about the blue card program, but later on it does also talk about and links to other alternatives)

duckduckgo is also showing a link for https://www.gov.pl/web/unpaid-help/free-yourself-from-violence with the description, "
https://www.gov.pl › web › unpaid-help › free-yourself-from-violence

Free yourself from violence - Unpaid help - Gov.pl website

by phone - calling the given Poviat registration number; online - sending an email to the given Poviat's designed email or filling the form ..." But when I try to translate, I get redirected and I can't search in english

 

[SA1994EC]

I see you have been suffering so much in your life with many tragedies. And your cries for help have never been heard. It seems to me that, not to mention your friends, your parents are not equipped to help you. They have their own demons to deal with and cannot see your agony.
I know you are in despair. But I wish you could see hopes in your life in some ways. You seem to be very young. Can you talk to the cousins who took your brother in? If you are in US, thee must be state agencies or non profit organizations that can give you a hand.
But, it is your life and your decision. Your pain is too real for me to give you a cheap advice. I respect your choice. And no matter what you choose and what comes next, I wish you would be in a better place than you are now.

 

[Coringa]

Do you have your grandparents alive? Who knows, maybe you could talk and live with them for a while, until you get better...

 

[MasterOfDisguise]

Reading this brought me back to mybown life do much.. the root of my mental health problems and everythings is mostly my parents ontop of that i was bullied for the entirety of my school life and never really got close to anyone irl so i pretty much seitched to an online life, i failed a year of college twice which didnt help. Ive never been able to get help from a professional either but it is what it is i guess. Anyways this is not my thread so thats rnough of me lol....

I do hope you find the peace youre looking for. I can hotally understand where youre coming from

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

It makes me sad hearing that, and it sucks seeing people in these situations. If I were to give my thoughts on this: I think your life can still move in a better direction, and it would only take some time—I know people hate hearing that—I would hate to hear that myself, but I can't help being hypocritical. I don't know how you're really feeling; I might be entirely wrong—hell I don't know what I'm talking about, but this is a piece of my mind. It's difficult to get out of these circumstances, and it may seem impossible to get out of it, although if you have a slight hope for a decent enough future, and you're not ready, don't rush it.

I don't want to sugarcoat this either by saying "it always gets better" and "there's a light at the end of the tunnel". Things might get worse or just stay the same, however, there's a chance. I also understand not bothering to wait for better times. This is a part of my case, not so sure of yours.

Sorry to be one of those who seems to try to talk you out of this, I know it can be annoying, but just wanted to put this out there. In the end everything is your choice.

 

[eepymumu8]

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I'm just a random guy on the internet, but I hope you find happiness wherever you are.

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

I wish you well in whatever you choose to do and I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain you deserved none of this. May you exit this world safely and peacefully dearest user.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Do you have your grandparents alive? Who knows, maybe you could talk and live with them for a while, until you get better...

My grandparents live in the same house as my family, not to mention that they are already in their late 80's.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I'm monolingual and in the States, so I'm limited in how much I can help, but it looks like there may be some support:

Housing rights of Polish victims of domestic abuse in the UK

A housing rights guide for professionals supporting Polish victims of domestic abuse in England and Wales

www.vestasfs.org

https://mapujpomoc.pl/en/blue-card-in-poland-assistance-for-victims-of-domestic-violence/ (the page starts by talking exclusively about the blue card program, but later on it does also talk about and links to other alternatives)



duckduckgo is also showing a link for https://www.gov.pl/web/unpaid-help/free-yourself-from-violence with the description, "

https://www.gov.pl › web › unpaid-help › free-yourself-from-violence

Free yourself from violence - Unpaid help - Gov.pl website

by phone - calling the given Poviat registration number; online - sending an email to the given Poviat's designed email or filling the form ..." But when I try to translate, I get redirected and I can't search in english

Ive checked out the first link, and it tells me that the organization is in the UK. The 3rd link redirects me to our government site, but Ill check it further once I get home. Im currently checking out the 2nd link.

I see you have been suffering so much in your life with many tragedies. And your cries for help have never been heard. It seems to me that, not to mention your friends, your parents are not equipped to help you. They have their own demons to deal with and cannot see your agony.
I know you are in despair. But I wish you could see hopes in your life in some ways. You seem to be very young. Can you talk to the cousins who took your brother in? If you are in US, thee must be state agencies or non profit organizations that can give you a hand.
But, it is your life and your decision. Your pain is too real for me to give you a cheap advice. I respect your choice. And no matter what you choose and what comes next, I wish you would be in a better place than you are now.

There's no way for me to get taken by my cousin, as he has practically no time, and hes most of the year outside the country. The apartment is also set in his agency, so I dont think there's any chance.

Reading this brought me back to mybown life do much.. the root of my mental health problems and everythings is mostly my parents ontop of that i was bullied for the entirety of my school life and never really got close to anyone irl so i pretty much seitched to an online life, i failed a year of college twice which didnt help. Ive never been able to get help from a professional either but it is what it is i guess. Anyways this is not my thread so thats rnough of me lol....

I do hope you find the peace youre looking for. I can hotally understand where youre coming from

In my opinion, mental pain is the worst kind of pain one can feel. Id rather feel physical pain way more than suffer from mental problems, because I believe that one with broken mentality is already dead, even while being alive. I hope that in the future, the world will change and finally start dealing with the roots of all problems, and not just the effects themselves.

It makes me sad hearing that, and it sucks seeing people in these situations. If I were to give my thoughts on this: I think your life can still move in a better direction, and it would only take some time—I know people hate hearing that—I would hate to hear that myself, but I can't help being hypocritical. I don't know how you're really feeling; I might be entirely wrong—hell I don't know what I'm talking about, but this is a piece of my mind. It's difficult to get out of these circumstances, and it may seem impossible to get out of it, although if you have a slight hope for a decent enough future, and you're not ready, don't rush it.

I don't want to sugarcoat this either by saying "it always gets better" and "there's a light at the end of the tunnel". Things might get worse or just stay the same, however, there's a chance. I also understand not bothering to wait for better times. This is a part of my case, not so sure of yours.

Sorry to be one of those who seems to try to talk you out of this, I know it can be annoying, but just wanted to put this out there. In the end everything is your choice.

I dont believe there's any hope anymore. Ive been trying to fix everything ever since ive matured mentally, but I keep failing. So many failures end up in loss of hope, quite literally.

I wish you well in whatever you choose to do and I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain you deserved none of this. May you exit this world safely and peacefully dearest user.

Thank uuu. Ill miss playing video games tho, unless theres games in the afterlife lol. Id love to keep playing osu so muchhh

 

[wren-briar]

In my opinion, mental pain is the worst kind of pain one can feel. Id rather feel physical pain way more than suffer from mental problems, because I believe that one with broken mentality is already dead, even while being alive.

Having suffered both, at least for me, I can say that at the extreme they may both leave you hopeless.

I was "lucky" that both times that I hit my extreme physical limit, that medical doctors did ultimately figure out what had gone wrong (but only after I had lost hope that they would, because in both cases, I was so thoroughly dismissed and made to believe that the cause was all in my head, the second time actually having the issue formally diagnose as somatic) and they were able to fix it, but that's certainly not the case for a lot of people.

(Ironically, because even my current PCP had concurred that the second one was somatic -even as MH "treatments" actively caused more problems and made me actively suicidial- for it only to be then be undeniably proven to completely physical, made my PCP take all of my concerns, even MH related ones, more seriously. Granted, the damage done by the supposed MH experts is irreparable, so, there's really nothing for my PCP to do at this point.)

That said, so many people don't understand just how much mental "pain" can truly hurt. And yes, at the extreme it can absolutely decimate hope in every possible way, leaving us as nothing but husks, zombies, ghosts, etc.

I hope that in the future, the world will change and finally start dealing with the roots of all problems, and not just the effects themselves.

This is the part that hurts me with both of our situations - so much of the root causes should have been addressed early on and spared us the pain that has destroyed our hope.

In your case, I just wish that you could experience life with more hope before you lost the last shreds of hope that you have.

I dont believe there's any hope anymore. Ive been trying to fix everything ever since ive matured mentally, but I keep failing. So many failures end up in loss of hope, quite literally.

The failures are NOT yours!

Your parents' abuse is not your fault!

I really want you to be able to live life outside of your family home and to get a glimpse of what life could be without them, but I also understand what utter hopelessness feels like.

You know your situation better than we ever will, and regardless of how things work out for you, you deserve to experience peace!

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

The failures are NOT yours!

Your parents' abuse is not your fault!

I really want you to be able to live life outside of your family home and to get a glimpse of what life could be without them, but I also understand what utter hopelessness feels like.

You know your situation better than we ever will, and regardless of how things work out for you, you deserve to experience peace!

Thanks for the amount of care and time you give to respond to me. Ive already had to know how life without my parents looks like, mainly when I was at my friends house for a sleepover, and during teen camps. It's really cool, but I dont think I can do it anymore. Im just too tired to really fight anymore, that's why my decision is ultimate. I find it the best option out of all, judging by how weak Ive become already, and how tired I am. I really hate this fact, as I always had so many dreams. My creativity was always so big, and I had so many dreams, ideas and all of that shit that it's sad to leave it all behind.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

It's funny how nearing my end, all the things are starting to go bad; My parents are once again in a conflict, Im getting worse grades, the classmates are hating more and more on me, it's so funny. Either way, I don't think anyone really suspects that I'll CTB on friday. I've messaged my old friend from elementary if he's got any headphones for me to borrow, as all of my headphones have broken.

I've been also playing about a playlist of what do I want to listen to during my CTB, and the current playlist is:

1. 永遠のブルー - Hitsujibungaku
2. Gone, gone/Thank you - Tyler the creator
3. Rock n roll morning light falls on you - Asian kung fu generation/Bocchi the rock version
4. Necromantic - Akatsuki records
5. Lag train - Inabakumori
6. カラカラ - From bocchi the rock

I don't think there's any sense of adding any more songs, as people typically fall unconcious after a couple of minutes, so I might actually put hitsujibungaku 2nd, as I want to listen to that song. I've picked out the most peaceful songs I can think of, as I want my last moments to be spent in peace and tranquility, something that I never truly felt.

 

[blackbeauty]

I can understand what it's like when you try to speak to your parents about your mental health and they react negatively and make you think your feelings are invalid. It really is the worse as it sends you into a spiral where you keep all your feelings inside until you explode which is at the stage you are at now.

I really wish things were different for you and I wonder if you give it a bit more time that it can be different even though it doesn't look like it now. You know yourself the best and whatever you decide, I just wish you all the peace in the world.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I can understand what it's like when you try to speak to your parents about your mental health and they react negatively and make you think your feelings are invalid. It really is the worse as it sends you into a spiral where you keep all your feelings inside until you explode which is at the stage you are at now.

I really wish things were different for you and I wonder if you give it a bit more time that it can be different even though it doesn't look like it now. You know yourself the best and whatever you decide, I just wish you all the peace in the world.

Thank you so much. I believe that this is the best decision, judging by the past years. I dont see any future anymore for myself. Not as myself. Not in this body, this family, this place.

 

[kmlk13]

Hej, jeśli chcesz porozmawiać z rodakiem to daj znać. Chętnie pomogę też w zorganizowaniu spotkania z psychologiem, jeśli wiesz że chcesz a masz trudności.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I've made a list of things for me to buy. I'm currently missing ibuprofen, a digital scale, plastic cups, measuring cups. I've already ordered the digital scale, and the rest I will buy somewhere on the city on friday. Today passed by so quickly, I think it's because I'm waiting for my CTB. Either way, I'm super tired, I'd love to go to sleep, but I promised my online friend I'll have a small talk with them today, so I guess all that's left for me to do is wait for them to come online, and then I'll finally get to take some rest again.

One of my classmates, through which I've bought my SN, is starting to suspect me, but I've use some basic lying methods, and he calmed down. As of right now, I think that the success rate on my first term is around 80%. My parents are conflicted, they are sleeping in separate rooms, and they don't seem to have any care about me, lol.

I also wanted to play Osu today, but i'm too tired to do it. I'll probably do it tomorrow. I'll also try going to the confession tomorrow, I want to die with as little sins and conscience as possible, although I'm still not a 100% sure if afterlife does exist. It's just my beliefs and religion. I'll probably be getting off the site now, goodnight and I'll keep you updated tomorrow.

Also, forgot to mention; I'm doing my attempt without meto if anyone is wondering. Didn't get enough money to order it, and I myself have lost all contact with my intermediaries.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this and life brought you to this point. I wish you all the best and good luck. I hope you find peace.