suicidalcatlady
Member
- May 7, 2023
- 70
Long story short, I was brought up in an abusive household and severely bullied, and then for the last 5 years have gone through severe mental and physical health issues that have both almost killed me and left me disabled for over 6 months.
During this 5 year span, I've tried to end my life 5 times. 1 was almost successful, leaving me in a diaper in the ICU with critical labs for days. 1 left me with a brain bleed, severe nerve injury, broken foot, rhabdomyolysis, and bruises everywhere. Btw, the hospital ER I was at sent me to to the psych unit without treating any of these injuries and I suffered immensely in a wheelchair there for a day until they saw my foot was broken with the psych ward X-ray and that I couldn't walk at all so sent me back to another ER. It took 7 months of going from being bed bound with an iv and ng tube , to using a walker and getting only across the room, to using a walker one block, to using a cane, all while having to wear an afo, and finally an afo without a cane and then without one at all.
Due to all of those times and all the times I've been locked in the psych ward, I'm terrified to fail. So unless I know a method will absolutely work and be painless enough that my SI won't stop me, I refuse to act on my thoughts. But I feel stuck in hell because my life is hell right now. I got mold poisoning and now I have even more chronic health issues. I haven't had a week of health in a few years. My life is kind of falling apart in general. I don't want to fucking be here. I wish someone would have mercy on me and just take me out. It hurts so much to want to leave so badly but being too terrified to fail. I feel like I'm in my own torture chamber… and I can't get out because of my own stupid fear and my stupidly resistant body and stupid world that wants to stop people from ending their misery… I'm suffocating and I want to leave NOW. NOW. but I refuse to end up suffering from trying to end it. Because I know that unless I find the perfect way out that's just going to be me again. Stuck in a hospital bed court ordered, not allowed to use my phone or contact people, horribly disfigured looking legs or face, and then being forced into a psych unit and then long term treatment. I fucking refuse. But I'm suffering so much from it, because maybe it would work finally if I just tried again.
During this 5 year span, I've tried to end my life 5 times. 1 was almost successful, leaving me in a diaper in the ICU with critical labs for days. 1 left me with a brain bleed, severe nerve injury, broken foot, rhabdomyolysis, and bruises everywhere. Btw, the hospital ER I was at sent me to to the psych unit without treating any of these injuries and I suffered immensely in a wheelchair there for a day until they saw my foot was broken with the psych ward X-ray and that I couldn't walk at all so sent me back to another ER. It took 7 months of going from being bed bound with an iv and ng tube , to using a walker and getting only across the room, to using a walker one block, to using a cane, all while having to wear an afo, and finally an afo without a cane and then without one at all.
Due to all of those times and all the times I've been locked in the psych ward, I'm terrified to fail. So unless I know a method will absolutely work and be painless enough that my SI won't stop me, I refuse to act on my thoughts. But I feel stuck in hell because my life is hell right now. I got mold poisoning and now I have even more chronic health issues. I haven't had a week of health in a few years. My life is kind of falling apart in general. I don't want to fucking be here. I wish someone would have mercy on me and just take me out. It hurts so much to want to leave so badly but being too terrified to fail. I feel like I'm in my own torture chamber… and I can't get out because of my own stupid fear and my stupidly resistant body and stupid world that wants to stop people from ending their misery… I'm suffocating and I want to leave NOW. NOW. but I refuse to end up suffering from trying to end it. Because I know that unless I find the perfect way out that's just going to be me again. Stuck in a hospital bed court ordered, not allowed to use my phone or contact people, horribly disfigured looking legs or face, and then being forced into a psych unit and then long term treatment. I fucking refuse. But I'm suffering so much from it, because maybe it would work finally if I just tried again.
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