Venting First Love CTB

[brightstar4425]

My first love died earlier this month.
He was my first experience of a relationship and he was the loveliest human. He broke up with me last year in April and he was already engaged to someone new so we had lost contact. He died from suicide in a pretty gruesome way the day before his birthday. I really loved him and the grief gets unbearable at night.
I have suffered from losing a bunch of other people in the last past 5 years including finding a parent dead days after my first love broke up with me and every time it happens I am left with a little bit of a gap in my heart. Despite all this grief, I try my best to be positive and kind as I want people to remember me well when I finally take my own life. I have decided to live well for 2 more years and then take my own life just before my 25th Birthday. In this time I will travel to all of the countries I want to and complete everything on my bucket list. I want to live but I am tired and I miss the people I have lost so much. I am not stupid, I know there most likely isn't an afterlife but the promise of an eternal darkness seems good to me as well. I guess I am writing this as I have no one else to speak to about this in real life and just wanted someone to vent at.

Thank you for reading :)

 

[Linda]

My first love died earlier this month.
He was my first experience of a relationship and he was the loveliest human. He broke up with me last year in April and he was already engaged to someone new so we had lost contact. He died from suicide in a pretty gruesome way the day before his birthday. I really loved him and the grief gets unbearable at night.
I have suffered from losing a bunch of other people in the last past 5 years including finding a parent dead days after my first love broke up with me and every time it happens I am left with a little bit of a gap in my heart. Despite all this grief, I try my best to be positive and kind as I want people to remember me well when I finally take my own life. I have decided to live well for 2 more years and then take my own life just before my 25th Birthday. In this time I will travel to all of the countries I want to and complete everything on my bucket list. I want to live but I am tired and I miss the people I have lost so much. I am not stupid, I know there most likely isn't an afterlife but the promise of an eternal darkness seems good to me as well. I guess I am writing this as I have no one else to speak to about this in real life and just wanted someone to vent at.

Thank you for reading :)

The grief will never completely leave you, but it will fade. It will fade enough that it won't interfere with your life if you choose to continue living, I think your idea of doing what you can in the next 2 years is a good one. Might as well experience the good things that life has to offer.

 

[brightstar4425]

His death has really affected me even more than others that have past away. He was so lovely to me when we were together. I had forced myself to move on from him and was slowly getting better but I was still in love with him and I think deep down I always will be.

 

[Linda]

His death has really affected me even more than others that have past away. He was so lovely to me when we were together. I had forced myself to move on from him and was slowly getting better but I was still in love with him and I think deep down I always will be.

I'm still in love with someone I knew over 50 years ago, and haven't seen since 1982. But life moves on, and you have to move with it. I have been together with my current partner - a wonderful man - since 1983. Some things never leave you, but they cease to dominate your life.

 

[brightstar4425]

I'm still in love with someone I knew over 50 years ago, and haven't seen since 1982. But life moves on, and you have to move with it. I have been together with my current partner - a wonderful man - since 1983. Some things never leave you, but they cease to dominate your life.

Thank you for your kind words. I look forward to saying goodbye at his funeral and visiting him often at his grave to speak to him :) I miss him so much