Downbylife
Member
- Feb 27, 2021
- 62
Hello guys and girls, hailing you from the northen part of Europe so sorry for all the mistakes, I'm not the english native.
As the title say – first post and already venting. To be honest I've been lurking this forum for quite long time now because the community here seems to be so kind compared to the other places in the Internet. I know that you do not judge and understand how fucked life can be, and that's why I'm here.
Where to start? I am a guy in my early 30's and my life fallen into pieces lately.
Since I remember I had health issues. It all started when I was the kid but at that time it wasn't that painful. When I went to the middle school I got diagnosed with skin disease and it wasn't schock at all, my whole family suffers from it so I knew the day would come. I just started to take medicines and cope with that. However it wasn't easy because it just can't be when you have itching, peeling red skin all over (face for example) and other kids see that… but I was fighting, I realy did. Getting up in the morning, using the damn ointment, going to school, getting back, using other one and the third one before sleep. Pain in the ass but what could I do?
At some point I got diagnosed with the spine issue. This one kinda knocked me, it was hard to come by but again – started special excersises and I could go with life. My daily "health improvement" routine just become slightly longer, that's all I thought… how stupid I were.
Later, in my mid 20's due to the medications I took for almost 10 years my guts were destroyed. I used to pass out from the pain but yet I still somehow managed to overcome it after 2 years of fighting and staying in home mostly.
Life kicked my ass but I was trying to live like regular guy, seriously, it may sound stupid but all I really wanted was the peaceful life with 9 to 5 job, some money and loving ones by my side. I always was very sensitive person, I tried to save the world, really, I became vegan for the animals and planet, was donating for charities every month, helping others, wanted to be the change (how naive, I know). I had a job, I was playing guitar with my band, we even played some shows here and there (and those are best memories I ever had) and trust me I really tried to do everything I could for my life to be ordinary one… still I was alone due to my low self-esteem I couldn't be in normal relationship. But then the day came.
14 November of 2020 when I got diagnosed with that fucking neuroinfection which totally broke me. I have cognitive problems for almost 4 months now, I sometimes do not understand what I am reading, sometimes it's to hard to move my legs, I feel like they weigh over 200 kilos each, I'm falling from the fucking chair. And I just can't… I'm broken, it destroyed my life, I lost the will to fight which accompanied me all my life, I lost everything. Fucking meds are not working, I have nothing left.
I know it may be hard for some of you to understand but I just want to live, but live like every healthy person do. If I'm going to be bed ridden plant I'd rather ctb. Don't get me wrong, I know how hard most of you are fighting, I know how difficult is to win with self's mind. My soulmate is dealing with really hard depression and I see how slowly she is losing her fight and that makes me sad as well.
I won many battles, but I lost the war with my own body. I have nothing left, I just lost everything.
I read somewhere that God is not sending more suffering to the person than (s)he can bear, but if that's so, why I just can't handle anymore? I'm not afraid of death or what's after, I'm afraid of being disabled, that's causing panic attacks which I really can't bear.
I'm so sorry that my first post is that long already but I had to let it go. I can't tell it to anyone, cus they will start to oversee me all the time. Wishing you all the best, I hope you will find your peace at some point, I really do.
As the title say – first post and already venting. To be honest I've been lurking this forum for quite long time now because the community here seems to be so kind compared to the other places in the Internet. I know that you do not judge and understand how fucked life can be, and that's why I'm here.
Where to start? I am a guy in my early 30's and my life fallen into pieces lately.
Since I remember I had health issues. It all started when I was the kid but at that time it wasn't that painful. When I went to the middle school I got diagnosed with skin disease and it wasn't schock at all, my whole family suffers from it so I knew the day would come. I just started to take medicines and cope with that. However it wasn't easy because it just can't be when you have itching, peeling red skin all over (face for example) and other kids see that… but I was fighting, I realy did. Getting up in the morning, using the damn ointment, going to school, getting back, using other one and the third one before sleep. Pain in the ass but what could I do?
At some point I got diagnosed with the spine issue. This one kinda knocked me, it was hard to come by but again – started special excersises and I could go with life. My daily "health improvement" routine just become slightly longer, that's all I thought… how stupid I were.
Later, in my mid 20's due to the medications I took for almost 10 years my guts were destroyed. I used to pass out from the pain but yet I still somehow managed to overcome it after 2 years of fighting and staying in home mostly.
Life kicked my ass but I was trying to live like regular guy, seriously, it may sound stupid but all I really wanted was the peaceful life with 9 to 5 job, some money and loving ones by my side. I always was very sensitive person, I tried to save the world, really, I became vegan for the animals and planet, was donating for charities every month, helping others, wanted to be the change (how naive, I know). I had a job, I was playing guitar with my band, we even played some shows here and there (and those are best memories I ever had) and trust me I really tried to do everything I could for my life to be ordinary one… still I was alone due to my low self-esteem I couldn't be in normal relationship. But then the day came.
14 November of 2020 when I got diagnosed with that fucking neuroinfection which totally broke me. I have cognitive problems for almost 4 months now, I sometimes do not understand what I am reading, sometimes it's to hard to move my legs, I feel like they weigh over 200 kilos each, I'm falling from the fucking chair. And I just can't… I'm broken, it destroyed my life, I lost the will to fight which accompanied me all my life, I lost everything. Fucking meds are not working, I have nothing left.
I know it may be hard for some of you to understand but I just want to live, but live like every healthy person do. If I'm going to be bed ridden plant I'd rather ctb. Don't get me wrong, I know how hard most of you are fighting, I know how difficult is to win with self's mind. My soulmate is dealing with really hard depression and I see how slowly she is losing her fight and that makes me sad as well.
I won many battles, but I lost the war with my own body. I have nothing left, I just lost everything.
I read somewhere that God is not sending more suffering to the person than (s)he can bear, but if that's so, why I just can't handle anymore? I'm not afraid of death or what's after, I'm afraid of being disabled, that's causing panic attacks which I really can't bear.
I'm so sorry that my first post is that long already but I had to let it go. I can't tell it to anyone, cus they will start to oversee me all the time. Wishing you all the best, I hope you will find your peace at some point, I really do.
