tilwemeetagain
New Member
- Jun 5, 2025
- 3
So I have been suicidal for the last 3 years. I have begged for death for the last 3 years. Every single day. I have tried a few times to take my life but have been unsuccessful.
Here is a short story of what has happened to me these last three years.
I have always wanted to be pregnant. In July 2021 I became pregnant. I miscarried almost immediately. In October 2021 I became pregnant and it was a rocky start with levels not rising right so I was worried I was going to miscarry. But I didn't. I made it to my 20 week anatomy scan in February 2022. It was so good! We hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant so I was heading into our scan and I told my wife, I think if this goes well, we can announce our pregnancy. Well, it didn't go well. I was 4 cm dilated and they sent me to a big hospital and I was going to have surgery to see if they could keep the baby in. They couldn't. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I was in the 1% that had an incompetent cervix. I was in the 0.00001% that had preeclampsia before 24 weeks.
Depression hit right away.
I attempted in July 2022. It didn't work and I ended up in the hospital for 9 days. They put me on lithium. It helped some but the depression and anger and suicidal thoughts remained.
So I kept going. I was going to therapy. I got upset at my therapist because she switched out my therapist without telling me. Then I was out of state and when I was out of state, she fired me. No warning. I got mad that she fired me and left a bad review for her practice and she sued me. She took me to court. The attorney sided with me and told her that I had broken no laws, but it was awful.
In September of 2023 I went to a residential treatment. My therapist had me write out the story of my daughter's death. So I did. The next morning I attempted to take my own life. I was in LA at the time so they sent me to UCLA. I spent 3 weeks there and they messed with all of my medications. They upped my lithium.
I returned home after my residential stay and on the flight home I started having headaches. I thought it was motion sickness or jet lag. Well the headaches continued and increased. There was not a moment that went by that my head did not hurt or that I was sick to my stomach. Then I started having double vision. So I went to see my PCP. She sent me to see a neurologist. He ordered a brain MRI, almost immediately. They found that I had high intracranial pressure. My brain had too much cerebral spinal fluid. They did 2 lumbar punctures. And I went on medication to lower the pressure. It made all carbonated drinks taste flat. I was miserable. The headaches were still there. I told the doctor it was the lithium. He said no. We went 8 more months. I tried to lose weight. (He said it was because I was overweight). No change. I finally took myself off the lithium and 3 weeks later, the headaches were gone and they never came back. My pressure returned to normal.
In September of 2024 I had to have ankle surgery to repair some torn tendons and torn ligaments. (From falling in a crack at my son's tball game.) The surgery was fine. I was allergic to the prep that they used to clean my leg so I developed a hive in every pore on my leg. It was awful. But the worst was that in December 2024 I developed CRPS from the surgery. My surgeon told me that he has only ever had one other person develop CRPS. Not the camp I wanted to be in. I have had 4 or 5 nerve blocks which were only mildly effective. Now the doctor thinks that the only thing that will help is to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in my back.
In December of 2024 I went for a skin check with the dermatologist and they found melanoma on my back. The surgery was ok. Not the greatest. I told the surgeon that I was allergic to derma bond. He said he has never had anyone allergic to derma bond before so he was going to use. He did. Guess what? I am allergic to derma bond and I had a HUGE reaction including a rash that Covered my back. Great. I also found out that I have a gene that makes me more likely to get melanoma so I am likely to continue to battle this.
And now my wife is pregnant. She's getting to do what I have always dreamed of. For a second time. Sure I agreed to it. We decided together, but it hurts. It's so hard to watch her live out my dream for the second time.
I am tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of the rare. The things that aren't supposed to happen, happening. I am broken. I want to ctb.
If you made it this far, thank you.
Here is a short story of what has happened to me these last three years.
I have always wanted to be pregnant. In July 2021 I became pregnant. I miscarried almost immediately. In October 2021 I became pregnant and it was a rocky start with levels not rising right so I was worried I was going to miscarry. But I didn't. I made it to my 20 week anatomy scan in February 2022. It was so good! We hadn't told anyone that I was pregnant so I was heading into our scan and I told my wife, I think if this goes well, we can announce our pregnancy. Well, it didn't go well. I was 4 cm dilated and they sent me to a big hospital and I was going to have surgery to see if they could keep the baby in. They couldn't. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
I was in the 1% that had an incompetent cervix. I was in the 0.00001% that had preeclampsia before 24 weeks.
Depression hit right away.
I attempted in July 2022. It didn't work and I ended up in the hospital for 9 days. They put me on lithium. It helped some but the depression and anger and suicidal thoughts remained.
So I kept going. I was going to therapy. I got upset at my therapist because she switched out my therapist without telling me. Then I was out of state and when I was out of state, she fired me. No warning. I got mad that she fired me and left a bad review for her practice and she sued me. She took me to court. The attorney sided with me and told her that I had broken no laws, but it was awful.
In September of 2023 I went to a residential treatment. My therapist had me write out the story of my daughter's death. So I did. The next morning I attempted to take my own life. I was in LA at the time so they sent me to UCLA. I spent 3 weeks there and they messed with all of my medications. They upped my lithium.
I returned home after my residential stay and on the flight home I started having headaches. I thought it was motion sickness or jet lag. Well the headaches continued and increased. There was not a moment that went by that my head did not hurt or that I was sick to my stomach. Then I started having double vision. So I went to see my PCP. She sent me to see a neurologist. He ordered a brain MRI, almost immediately. They found that I had high intracranial pressure. My brain had too much cerebral spinal fluid. They did 2 lumbar punctures. And I went on medication to lower the pressure. It made all carbonated drinks taste flat. I was miserable. The headaches were still there. I told the doctor it was the lithium. He said no. We went 8 more months. I tried to lose weight. (He said it was because I was overweight). No change. I finally took myself off the lithium and 3 weeks later, the headaches were gone and they never came back. My pressure returned to normal.
In September of 2024 I had to have ankle surgery to repair some torn tendons and torn ligaments. (From falling in a crack at my son's tball game.) The surgery was fine. I was allergic to the prep that they used to clean my leg so I developed a hive in every pore on my leg. It was awful. But the worst was that in December 2024 I developed CRPS from the surgery. My surgeon told me that he has only ever had one other person develop CRPS. Not the camp I wanted to be in. I have had 4 or 5 nerve blocks which were only mildly effective. Now the doctor thinks that the only thing that will help is to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in my back.
In December of 2024 I went for a skin check with the dermatologist and they found melanoma on my back. The surgery was ok. Not the greatest. I told the surgeon that I was allergic to derma bond. He said he has never had anyone allergic to derma bond before so he was going to use. He did. Guess what? I am allergic to derma bond and I had a HUGE reaction including a rash that Covered my back. Great. I also found out that I have a gene that makes me more likely to get melanoma so I am likely to continue to battle this.
And now my wife is pregnant. She's getting to do what I have always dreamed of. For a second time. Sure I agreed to it. We decided together, but it hurts. It's so hard to watch her live out my dream for the second time.
I am tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of the rare. The things that aren't supposed to happen, happening. I am broken. I want to ctb.
If you made it this far, thank you.
