Fools

[timetodie24]

What about some self-soothing things for you. You know, the warm bath, milky drink type stuff. I know it's a bit cliched but it is nice and calming. Do you have any soft toys you really like that you could hug? Just something to be nice to yourself. Maybe write down how your feeling right now and email it to your CPN even if you've already told her. It'll remind her and she might have some other ways to feel safe. Here's another big hug from me . We're all still here with you my friend xxxx

I think anyone in your shoes would be feeling very overwhelmed, and you're strong to be continuing on and always trying to think of the right thing to do. Thinking over the past, the voices don't seem to give you a point where you've proven yourself enough. You always have to keep escalating it, and meanwhile they're trying to demand you die in a way that's not right for you, while threatening stressful and frightening things.

So I don't see it as crying wolf at all, you're only trying to make sense of a very confusing situation, where you aren't given a clear path forward. If I were in your shoes, I hope I would be strong enough to do what you do and keep thinking through things with the goal to do what's best and what's right. You put a lot of effort into making sure you don't hurt others, that's very admirable and something I hope I would do too. Sending you hugs and a bit of comfort

How's it going @timetodie24 ?
I hope your CPN appointment goes well tomorrow

Thank you all so much i really do appreciate all the support xx
I'm doing ok. I did see CPN today, she mistyped my email so I didn't get questions in advance. Which was fine as wasn't any hard ones but did mean i didn't send anything about my worries about the SH. Not that it matters .
It went ok, we focused on drawing stress bucket. I should've probably told her how the week has really been as she won't realise how close I am to the edge / how close to serious harm or ctb. But I can't tell her . I do hope she'll know she did everything she could whatever happens, maybe i'll write a note for her too when time comes.

How did today go my friend? xxxx You can post an emoji if you don't have words xxx

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Do you want someone to say you deserve to suffer? Think that'll finally give you the courage to do it?

 

[timetodie24]

Do you want someone to say you deserve to suffer? Think that'll finally give you the courage to do it?

I know I deserve to suffer so not sure it makes any difference if someone says it .

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Checking in on you TTD. You're in my thoughts. Really proud of you for continuing to push. Massively proud of you even though we are strangers, I'm always rooting for you. Xx

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

I know I deserve to suffer so not sure it makes any difference if someone says it .

I get it.

 

[tbh2023]

I won't be tricked and manipulated any longer. I know we're all part of the system and everyone knows that too. People just like to pretend that we have more control than we do. I'm sick of the lies and gaslighting when I know the truth. The system is controlling all of us and we all have death dates and now the system is collapsing because I somehow surpassed mine. It is a huge glitch. My ctb will save the world and I won't listen to people trying to deceive me otherwise, clearly you just want the world to fall apart even more. I'm not naive, I know the truth.

I can't agree more. I'm young but old at the same time. I lived with the good and bad. I read the news and how we are under others control. Do we have resources to CTB? Even narcotics do not guarantee death.

 

[timetodie24]

Checking in on you TTD. You're in my thoughts. Really proud of you for continuing to push. Massively proud of you even though we are strangers, I'm always rooting for you. Xx

Thank you so much x hope you're doing ok (as much as can be ) x

I can't agree more. I'm young but old at the same time. I lived with the good and bad. I read the news and how we are under others control. Do we have resources to CTB? Even narcotics do not guarantee death.

Sorry you can relate . Yes I wish we had better options for an exit

 

[timetodie24]

Hahaha she fooled you again (and her CPN) . She's not real , not even really [ttd's name] , it just stole her body. The sooner I delete it the better.

 

[Whale_bones]

Thinking of you TTD. My situation isn't the same, but I experience severe disassociation... I'm often so separated from the world and other people that I don't think there is any "me" left there. I don't even know what that "me" part is supposed to be.

Again, not saying it's the same thing, and I haven't lived through what you have... just want to say that I accept you as you are, it's okay with me if you don't know how much is "you" (because I don't know that for myself either) or if you're at a totally different place that I haven't experienced myself. I still appreciate you as is, and want you to go through the least suffering possible.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Hahaha she fooled you again (and her CPN) . She's not real , not even really [ttd's name] , it just stole her body. The sooner I delete it the better.

we're still here for you.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you so much x hope you're doing ok (as much as can be ) x

Sorry you can relate . Yes I wish we had better options for an exit

Hahaha she fooled you again (and her CPN) . She's not real , not even really [ttd's name] , it just stole her body. The sooner I delete it the better.

I'm also still here for you ttd. Sorry your voices were being so intrusive. Hope your weekend is calmer and that you get some relief from them. Have something self-soothing on me. Whatever works xxxx

 

[timetodie24]

I can't thank you all enough for all your patience, compassion and understanding when I'm constantly being a selfish, frustrating mess on here and you all have so much more going on in your own lives.

Feeling more grounded this morning but feeling sick with guilt. I keep seeing in the news about violent crimes committed due to mental illness. I know it's rare but i keep thinking that i'll end up part of those statistics. The system has already made me do lots of things I didn't want to do (either harmless or only harm to me). So i'm worried what it could make me do to others because of what it's told me and made me think. That's a a risk I really can't take. And the weather is getting worse here, and completing my tasks on a icy road is a terrible idea. So the sooner the better really. And there's some numbers that are potential date but idk. I really don't want to make it to the end of this year .

Thinking of you TTD. My situation isn't the same, but I experience severe disassociation... I'm often so separated from the world and other people that I don't think there is any "me" left there. I don't even know what that "me" part is supposed to be.

Again, not saying it's the same thing, and I haven't lived through what you have... just want to say that I accept you as you are, it's okay with me if you don't know how much is "you" (because I don't know that for myself either) or if you're at a totally different place that I haven't experienced myself. I still appreciate you as is, and want you to go through the least suffering possible.

I'm really sorry you can relate in some way. I know it can be so confusing Whilst our experiences are different, it does feel that way for me to that idk who I am or who I was or which parts (if any) of me are real.

we're still here for you.

Thank you . I really appreciate it

I'm also still here for you ttd. Sorry your voices were being so intrusive. Hope your weekend is calmer and that you get some relief from them. Have something self-soothing on me. Whatever works xxxx

thank you so much , hope you have a calmer weekend too x

 

[alltoomuch2]

I can't thank you all enough for all your patience, compassion and understanding when I'm constantly being a selfish, frustrating mess on here and you all have so much more going on in your own lives.

Feeling more grounded this morning but feeling sick with guilt. I keep seeing in the news about violent crimes committed due to mental illness. I know it's rare but i keep thinking that i'll end up part of those statistics. The system has already made me do lots of things I didn't want to do (either harmless or only harm to me). So i'm worried what it could make me do to others because of what it's told me and made me think. That's a a risk I really can't take. And the weather is getting worse here, and completing my tasks on a icy road is a terrible idea. So the sooner the better really. And there's some numbers that are potential date but idk. I really don't want to make it to the end of this year .



I'm really sorry you can relate in some way. I know it can be so confusing Whilst our experiences are different, it does feel that way for me to that idk who I am or who I was or which parts (if any) of me are real.

Thank you . I really appreciate it

thank you so much , hope you have a calmer weekend too x

Glad to see you here this morning. I don't believe you'd let your voices hurt anyone except you. Your values wouldn't allow it. What have your voices tried to tell you to do to others? They can't force you. They can only threaten. Maybe they're expressing some need of theirs which could be satisfied or listened to without harming anyone including you? Maybe they're being so tyrannical because they're fighting to be heard. But you can listen to them but not do harmful things. Maybe understand but offer them something different. But it's
beyond my experience because my issues are very different, although I have to be careful to hear my people inside but not antagonise them, and I can only let you know that you are loved and cared about my friend xxx

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Everyone who has been on this thread has suggestions much better than anything I could come up with and responses that I could never write.
But I never claimed to be smart

But I just want to say I support you even though I don't chime in as much.

Have you completely stopped swallowing things?

And fwiw, I don't think you could ever hurt anyone.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I can't thank you all enough for all your patience, compassion and understanding when I'm constantly being a selfish, frustrating mess on here and you all have so much more going on in your own lives.

Feeling more grounded this morning but feeling sick with guilt. I keep seeing in the news about violent crimes committed due to mental illness. I know it's rare but i keep thinking that i'll end up part of those statistics. The system has already made me do lots of things I didn't want to do (either harmless or only harm to me). So i'm worried what it could make me do to others because of what it's told me and made me think. That's a a risk I really can't take. And the weather is getting worse here, and completing my tasks on a icy road is a terrible idea. So the sooner the better really. And there's some numbers that are potential date but idk. I really don't want to make it to the end of this year.

You wouldn't You care waaay too much for others. You're always so kind and trying to help people. I don't believe it could ever make you harm others like that.
Starting to freeze already? We've had some snow but nothing that lasted for more than a couple of hours.

Hope you are doing bit more okay today. Try talking to you cn about what bothers you?

I feel like a fool but... What's a stress bucket?

 

[SVEN]

So sorry the voices won't give you rest, unmet friend. We appreciate the efforts you continue to make to just keep going; could we help or support you more we would.
Best wishes.

 

[timetodie24]

Glad to see you here this morning. I don't believe you'd let your voices hurt anyone except you. Your values wouldn't allow it. What have your voices tried to tell you to do to others? They can't force you. They can only threaten. Maybe they're expressing some need of theirs which could be satisfied or listened to without harming anyone including you? Maybe they're being so tyrannical because they're fighting to be heard. But you can listen to them but not do harmful things. Maybe understand but offer them something different. But it's
beyond my experience because my issues are very different, although I have to be careful to hear my people inside but not antagonise them, and I can only let you know that you are loved and cared about my friend xxx

Thank you so much. I can't say some of the things they tell me as too awful but basically they taunt me about my darkest intrusive thoughts, encouraging me to act on them, telling me it's what I want as I'm evil etc.
But when I eventually get courage to ctb they want me to take something to warn people off if anyone tries to interfere but I worry they'd push me to use it.
I know they can't force me to do anything but I worry they have enough power to convince me.
Hope you enjoy the market today xx

Everyone who has been on this thread has suggestions much better than anything I could come up with and responses that I could never write.
But I never claimed to be smart

But I just want to say I support you even though I don't chime in as much.

Have you completely stopped swallowing things?

And fwiw, I don't think you could ever hurt anyone.

your support is really appreciated it and you honestly have commented a lot of kind and helpful things on my posts. It does mean a lot to me
no, still swallowing things, not every day though.
Hope your day is going ok

You wouldn't You care waaay too much for others. You're always so kind and trying to help people. I don't believe it could ever make you harm others like that.
Starting to freeze already? We've had some snow but nothing that lasted for more than a couple of hours.

Hope you are doing bit more okay today. Try talking to you cn about what bothers you?

I feel like a fool but... What's a stress bucket?

I feel like maybe that's a pretence and deep down I'm just evil.
We've had a little bit of snow and ice but not much yet.

You're not missing much, I'll probably explain this terribly but I'll try !
So basically we all have a 'bucket', which is how much stress we can carry- the size of it depends on our past experiences . E.g - trauma may lead to a smaller bucket.
Then any past or present stress is the 'water' that fills up the bucket. And coping strategies are the taps or holes that can let some of the water out.

I hope you're able to have restful weekend

So sorry the voices won't give you rest, unmet friend. We appreciate the efforts you continue to make to just keep going; could we help or support you more we would.
Best wishes.

thank you so much for your continued support.
I hope your weekend is going as well as possible x

 

[timetodie24]

Hate how exhausted just going to shopping centre makes me. I used to enjoy it when I was younger but now it's just sensory hell.
Feels so stupid buying xmas presents when hope I won't be there to give them. But at least if I get them in advance I can wrap and label them so they can be opened by family when I'm gone. I feel guilty about any bought for me though, hopefully they have receipts. But didn't expect to make past few christmases so who knows (I really hope I don't).

Giving less care to what I swallow now, it helps me feel calmer and gets me a step closer to them allowing me to ctb. As long as I stick to small things, it's highly unlikely to need any intervention anyway. Not going to hospital if it causes any problems anyway since it really doesn't matter.

Tired of arguing with the system, it's tiring and pointless. Will just get on with the tasks then hopefully it has to let me do the final one soon. If by end of year still hasn't then i'll still ctb but in my own way since then they've had enough time that i know they're tricking me.

I'm just wasting service's time since there's
nothing to treat and I don't want help to fight system anymore. so I think I'll stop the EIP appointments. My CPN did say it was fine if I wanted to as they can't force anyone.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Hate how exhausted just going to shopping centre makes me. I used to enjoy it when I was younger but now it's just sensory hell.
Feels so stupid buying xmas presents when hope I won't be there to give them. But at least if I get them in advance I can wrap and label them so they can be opened by family when I'm gone. I feel guilty about any bought for me though, hopefully they have receipts. But didn't expect to make past few christmases so who knows (I really hope I don't).

Giving less care to what I swallow now, it helps me feel calmer and gets me a step closer to them allowing me to ctb. As long as I stick to small things, it's highly unlikely to need any intervention anyway. Not going to hospital if it causes any problems anyway since it really doesn't matter.

Tired of arguing with the system, it's tiring and pointless. Will just get on with the tasks then hopefully it has to let me do the final one soon. If by end of year still hasn't then i'll still ctb but in my own way since then they've had enough time that i know they're tricking me.

I'm just wasting service's time since there's
nothing to treat and I don't want help to fight system anymore. so I think I'll stop the EIP appointments. My CPN did say it was fine if I wanted to as they can't force anyone.

That bucket system sounds really weird.

I'm sorry you feel so tired of it all. It really does suck. I know that tiredness.. All I can say is be kind to yourself and don't give up yet. Selfish of me, I know.. But you aren't wasting anyone's time!!

 

[alltoomuch2]

That bucket system sounds really weird.

I'm sorry you feel so tired of it all. It really does suck. I know that tiredness.. All I can say is be kind to yourself and don't give up yet. Selfish of me, I know.. But you aren't wasting anyone's time!!

The bucket thing is to explain overwhelm. Good and bad stuff that are arousing to the emotions are like 2 taps filling a bucket. When the bucket is full and overflows you're overwhelmed with all that means including making bad decisions, inability to cope etc. At the bottom of the bucket is a hole which stops it overflowing as long as it can keep up with what's going in, so that could include good coping mechanisms and ways of thinking. If your background stress levels are constantly high, eg if you have PTSD etc, your bucket is smaller in the first place so it fills more quickly. So to prevent overflow (overwhelm) you reduce the bad stuff going in as much as you can (cold tap), make the bucket bigger (reducing the background stress), and make the drainage hole in the bottom bigger by learning and using better coping techniques.

 

[isolatedl111]

I won't be tricked and manipulated any longer. I know we're all part of the system and everyone knows that too. People just like to pretend that we have more control than we do. I'm sick of the lies and gaslighting when I know the truth. The system is controlling all of us and we all have death dates and now the system is collapsing because I somehow surpassed mine. It is a huge glitch. My ctb will save the world and I won't listen to people trying to deceive me otherwise, clearly you just want the world to fall apart even more. I'm not naive, I know the truth.

Well said

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

The bucket thing is to explain overwhelm. Good and bad stuff that are arousing to the emotions are like 2 taps filling a bucket. When the bucket is full and overflows you're overwhelmed with all that means including making bad decisions, inability to cope etc. At the bottom of the bucket is a hole which stops it overflowing as long as it can keep up with what's going in, so that could include good coping mechanisms and ways of thinking. If your background stress levels are constantly high, eg if you have PTSD etc, your bucket is smaller in the first place so it fills more quickly. So to prevent overflow (overwhelm) you reduce the bad stuff going in as much as you can (cold tap), make the bucket bigger (reducing the background stress), and make the drainage hole in the bottom bigger by learning and using better coping techniques.

Thanks for the second explanation!