It slips through my fingers,
Coarse yet soft,
I wrap it around and through,
Making the perfect knot,
I look around me,
Leaves rustling in the night,
It's dark but I can still see enough,
To know this is my site,
The tree I'm leaning against big and burly,
Branches stretch out thick and far,
The rope already around it,
I light a last cigar,
I take my time enjoying it,
The smoke slow and white,
I stand here peacefully,
This feels so right,
The wind carresses my skin,
And I close my eyes holding it dear,
You can't miss anything when you're dead,
My mind is clear,
The pain nearly gone,
Yet I know that's only because I'm so close,
Were I to step away again,
I'd turn back into a ghost,
Gliding through life,
Never finding anything real,
Never being able to hold,
Anything I hold dear,
No it's better this way,
A owl hoots nearby,
I feel guilty for disturbing it,
I whisper to it a near silent goodbye,
I finish and put away,
The last things to be done,
I take a last look at my phone,
Sending you my final note,
I step up the ladder,
Put the noose around my neck,
Up higher and higher,
Soon I'll be dead,
I inch over the branch,
It easily holds my weight,
I look down but see nothing,
I kick the ladder away,
I sit there silently,
Taking a last breath,
Before bracing my hands next to me,
Suddenly frozen, ashamed,
I will myself forward,
Away and be gone,
Stop this pain,
But something is wrong,
The rope is comfortable,
The height just right,
I know I can do this,
But my body puts up a fight,
And I struggle and moan,
Scream and cry,
Curse myself violently,
For I want to die,
Yet I cannot move,
I cannot jump down,
I manage to feel in my pocket,
And take out the pills with a frown,
I had wanted to do this sober,
Clean and clear of mind,
But I have no other choice,
I can't be alive when found,
And when the darkness turns into morning,
The rays of light softly easing night into day,
I am still sitting there,
Fighting not to have to live another day,
Waiting for the pills to start working,
It took hours to swallow them down,
Only managing,
Just before dawn,
I can hear the world waking up,
Tears stream down my face,
I cannot do this again,
This is the time, this is the place,
I brace myself a last time,
My hiccups quieting down,
I close my eyes and give in to the drugs,
My balance nearly gone,
In the distant I hear voices,
I stiffen and freeze,
I should be far enough of the trail,
Hidden between the trees,
A dog barks,
A child laughs,
It chills me into reality,
I wobble and collapse,
My hands scamble for purchase,
As I stupidly break my own fall,
Yet I can't hold my weight,
I lose my grip and can no longer stall,
The noose tightens quickly,
My hands fumble and tug,
Nothing is giving,
My vision goes black,
I'm gasping for air,
I will never again breathe,
I struggle and struggle,
As I bungle beneath,
I panic and try to scream,
But nothing comes out,
I regret it immediately,
But it's too late now,
There is this big old tree,
In the middle of the woods,
Standing strong and proud,
Now carrying my body,
Without a sound,
As I slip into nothingness,
A few feet above the ground,
There is this big old tree,
In the middle of the woods,
It holds up my body,
Still and cold,
Lifeless and pale,
Not yet that old,
No longer around to hear the wail,
There is this big old tree,
In the middle of the woods,
On its brench sits an owl,
It looks down from up high,
It holds no emotion in its eyes,
As it hoots back its final goodbye.
thanks
