For the neurodivergent people here

[kmycluisfe]

Hi,

I'm writing this message to ask if your neurodivergent condition is the reason why you want to ctb?

Personally, I'm not officially neurodivergent, but I've had doubts for a long time. Recently, I met a girl who has been formally diagnosed as autistic, and she told me several times that I should consider getting a neuropsychological assessment because I seem to be struggling and show quite a few autistic traits

Next year, I plan to get a neuropsychological evaluation, but in the meantime, I'd love to hear your story. How does it affect your life?

Thank you

 

[nothingbutafailure]

I begrudgingly accept that I am as neurodivergent as they come.

It's not the full reason but it's a significant factor. I am not relatable. I see the world and think in unusual ways. I impress and intimidate people with my complexity.

It's a net negative affair and I've lived a mostly miserable life.

 

[Archness]

100% . It difficult to put into words everything, right here. But I can say that I effectively can't connect with people & there just isn't a place for me in this world. I see everything differently and perceive things differently so that makes things frustrating and difficult to see eye-to-eye with people. Also normal communication difficulties, ya. I'm like an alien, and others can only treat me like a child, act like they're "Helping", or "Pay Pretend". What bullshit.

 

[MinrathousGallus]

It is one of my reason.

I had undiagnosed ADHD for years, and it ruined my life. My school's grades are below averages, i wasted soo many opportunities, I can't finish college and eventually quit it. And when I finally got diagnosed, I get no support from my family or friends, no one wanted to help or understand me except meds, doctor and therapist. I've been fighting it alone for years and I don't think I can hold it anymore.

On top of that with several other reasons, it's enough for me to plan ctb. For one moment though, I thought it's just my impulsivity from adhd. But I don't think it is- because my Ideation have been running longer than it should be, and I've been committed to it for months now.

 

[suicidaltransgirl]

I don't think being neurodivergent makes me suicidal. But growing up and having it literally beat out of me to the point where I became a masking master does.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I love my autism.

I hate what people did to me because of it.

I was put through ABA (a type of autism conversion therapy), I was taken advantage of, bullied (by kids but also adults), abused (physically, mentally, sexually), and now because of my autism-caused tendency to dissociate, I have CPTSD, (H)C-DID, BPD with high narc traits, severe Maladaptive Daydreaming, and multiple physical disorders likely made worse by not taking care of myself.

I was high masking, but I lost almost all of it when I developed PANS/PANDAS. Yet... I still can't let go of it. I feel the urge to mask even though I barely can. It's worse than masking. I hope one day I'll feel comfortable enough to share my true self with someone.

So, yeah. In a way autism has contributed to my suicidality. But not LITERALLY...

 

[legoshi]

I always thought of myself as shy and awkward but normal. But after being here and hearing from people I'm reconsidering things. And a friend of mine whose aunt works with special needs individuals asked him if I have autism. I was like WTF no she is bugging. But I'm starting to think my inability to connect with people or communicate with people might be more than just some quirks about me.

So to answer your question, yes. My inability to make connections with other people or talk to other people makes it really hard for me. I'm all alone and feel out of place everywhere I go. Oh and I hate myself.

 

[kmycluisfe]

100% . It difficult to put into words everything, right here. But I can say that I effectively can't connect with people & there just isn't a place for me in this world. I see everything differently and perceive things differently so that makes things frustrating and difficult to see eye-to-eye with people. Also normal communication difficulties, ya. I'm like an alien, and others can only treat me like a child, act like they're "Helping", or "Pay Pretend". What bullshit.

Than you for your reply and all the reply btw thanks y'all

I can see myself in some of what you said, but I don't know if on my side I just have social anxiety or if it's autism. It makes social interaction difficult, just asking for simple things or speaking to people. I feel like I fucked up my school choice because I couldn't say no to my parents, and my current uni is making me depressed.
Right now, I have to live with other people, and I've never been so stressed and angry for a while. I don't have any intimacy, I can't do anything; they make so much noise. Noise is so hard to live with. I'm always with headphones or earbuds and music to not hear their constant noise. And I can't do shit. It's been 3 months, taking everything on me. I don't speak to them, with a sheet, some sort of tent to hide my bed and PC.

I always thought of myself as shy and awkward but normal. But after being here and hearing from people I'm reconsidering things. And a friend of mine whose aunt works with special needs individuals asked him if I have autism. I was like WTF no she is bugging. But I'm starting to think my inability to connect with people or communicate with people might be more than just some quirks about me.

So to answer your question, yes. My inability to make connections with other people or talk to other people makes it really hard for me. I'm all alone and feel out of place everywhere I go. Oh and I hate myself.

Thanks
I relate to this very much. From most people's point of view, I'm just a shy, introverted, chill guy.

Not being able to connect with other people isn't really a problem for me cuz I'm not interested in making new friends or anything. But not being able to speak my thoughts and just keeping everything to myself is hard. I can't say anything to my parents or my friends. Speaking feels so scary and hard. I feel like I've missed so many opportunities. My life would be so much better if I had just said "no" to my parents one single time. But I couldn't, and now I'm stuck with a shitty school, insane bank credit, and nothing good.

I don't want this life.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I'm autistic and have ADHD, plus bipolar. Being neurodivergent has been a mixed bag for me, it gave me some significant strenghts along with some pretty severe challenges. The problems are definitely a big factor in what makes me want to ctb.

Autism has made it almost impossible to make and keep friends. I could interact allright with people when I was in school and at work, but socializing more generally just never came naturally to me. I've had a few friends over the years, but really only my wife was every particularly close to me, and now even that relationship is broken as well. It's hard when the whole world expects you to have certain instincts around other people, like laughing at dumb jokes or knowing what questions to ask/not ask in order to keep the conversation flowing. I was never able to build the support network I needed, that's probably been the biggest setback of all in my life.

On the flip side, autism gave me ability to have insights and perspectives that neurotypical people appreciated, and I had a very solid career until bipolar threw me off track. My tendency to get fixated and hyperfocus on my interests helped me do great at school and work, once I figured out how to align my studies with my eccentric personality traits.

ADHD can be pretty painful, too. I wish I could focus on demand, but no matter how hard I try it's not happening. Meds help alot with that, though, and I've found it easier to compensate for the downsides of ADHD. The effects of impulsivity and executive function deficits have caused a lot of issues in my life, I wish I would have known earlier about ADHD so I would have done many things differently.

Society seems to be a lot more understanding and tolerant of ADHD compared to autism. I feel like it's a positive sign that more and more people are aware of autism and nerodivergence more broadly, but when it comes to actual concrete things that help in daily life I've been sorely disappointed.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I want to die as I find existing undesirable, I'd always prefer to peacefully not exist than suffer for the sake of it in this existence I never would have wished for just to be tormented by old age, to me human existence just feels like such a terrible, tragic mistake, I'll always see existence itself as the true problem no matter what, I just don't wish to be conscious at all and never would do.

 

[Red Moon]

Yeah, I'm Autistic/Asperger that's one of the reasons, I just can't connect with people properly and my social ability is diminished, that's a critical fundamental aspect of the human experience and when you can't do that properly then that's a big reason why I'm wanting to catch the bus and why I don't feel like I belong here.

People probably think that I'm different and well I just don't fit into society really.

 

[TAW122]

I'm on the spectrum myself, and I would say that the disorder certainly plays a role in my wanting to CTB and while it did offer some advantages for me, I don't see myself ever getting over it. Then again, philosophically I still view death on my own terms and sooner than later (not waiting for old age or infirmity and disease) is still in my best interests.

 

[Wonhun]

Are personality disorder or psychopath neurodivergent?

 

[shrizoid]

I have ADHD but no, it isn't a reason in the slightest

 

[kmycluisfe]

Are personality disorder or psychopath neurodivergent?

I don't think so, but you can still speak about it, I thinks thats interesting

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Are personality disorder or psychopath neurodivergent?

From what I understand, they're "aquired neurodivergence." A bit different, but still valid! They're also comorbid with born neurodivergence.

 

[Wonhun]

From what I understand, they're "aquired neurodivergence." A bit different, but still valid! They're also comorbid with born neurodivergence.

I thought neurodivergence meant something physical is wrong with the nerve and brain. Personality disorder and psychopath is just how people think different from normies, more like a "personality" or "thought" issue.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I thought neurodivergence meant something physical is wrong with the nerve and brain. Personality disorder and psychopath is just how people think different from normies, more like a "personality" or "thought" issue.

Oh definitely not. Personality disorders (and "psychopathy," which IS a personality disorder called ASPD) are deep-rooted in the brain. Having no empathy for example isn't just "thinking different." Plus, most any disorder can be seen on brain scans like Autism/ADHD. DID for one can literally show differences in alters while fronting.

Not to mention (I know you didn't mean badly), but it isn't "something wrong." We aren't wrong.

 

[SteamaHorns]

I was pretty much aware of the fact that I suffered from OCD way before I even got diagnosed with it. I feel like it is possible that my disorder somehow played into what makes me want to kill myself, but cannot say for sure.

OCD made it difficult for me to really live and really let loose without constantly being bickered at by the figurative voice in my head. It led me to ruin what should've been perfect moments, though it rarely if ever really took everything away from them. I had to deal with the ostracization of people who genuinely didn't understand what was going through my head, one of them somehow being someone who also suffered from OCD as well. I've also had to deal with some of the most stressful and anxiety-filled times of my life because of it; having to do some stupidly convoluted ritual that my mind somehow came up with, just to avoid an astronomically if not impossibly unlikely possibility that at the moment feels fated to happen, if I choose not to take what my mind thinks are the necessary actions to avoid it. The funniest part is that the moment of peace that came from successfully enacting the ritual would usually only last for like, a few minutes, or when it was much worse, a minute or less. I'd then have to do it all again. It's plausible that OCD has contributed to the problems that plague me the most, in a way that I just haven't fully noticed or have allowed myself to think about; but as I've said, I can't say for sure.

Honestly though, OCD never seemed to give me any real resentment, hatred or hopelessness towards my life. Sure, it causes problems, ruins my moments, or well at times pretty much ruins them all, and has subjected me to some of the most comical forms of mental torture; but was never what dimmed down and eventually ate at the hopeful views that I had held at the time. It was just there, but it was okay, because I would always manage to shoo it away eventually, for some time. Until it came back again.

I also wouldn't be surprised if I suffer from other mental illnesses that have simply went undiagnosed, but it doesn't matter to me, at this point.

 

[SpiderLink]

Hi,

I'm writing this message to ask if your neurodivergent condition is the reason why you want to ctb?

Personally, I'm not officially neurodivergent, but I've had doubts for a long time. Recently, I met a girl who has been formally diagnosed as autistic, and she told me several times that I should consider getting a neuropsychological assessment because I seem to be struggling and show quite a few autistic traits

Next year, I plan to get a neuropsychological evaluation, but in the meantime, I'd love to hear your story. How does it affect your life?

Thank you

I have ADHD, it's definitely contributing to it tho

 

[Wonhun]

Oh definitely not. Personality disorders (and "psychopathy," which IS a personality disorder called ASPD) are deep-rooted in the brain. Having no empathy for example isn't just "thinking different." Plus, most any disorder can be seen on brain scans like Autism/ADHD. DID for one can literally show differences in alters while fronting.

Not to mention (I know you didn't mean badly), but it isn't "something wrong." We aren't wrong.

I think no empathy is just a light way to put it out. I feel like mentally ill is more suitable and I feel like I am getting deeper and deeper into it.
But like people said, no one can change your personality and your thought but only you can do it. you can control your thought and you have full responsibility to your action even though you have personality disorder, which is not a physical disability on a brain.
So I am not sure if those are count as neurodivergent because it is more aggressive and self deserved side for weaponizing suicide rather than passive lack of ability since born side like psychosis.

 

[HighFlight]

My ADHD was diagnosed late in life. Prior to that, I just saw the world differently from most people. By itself, it's not a strong enough reason to CTB. However, for me, it is in combination with depression and anxiety, plus various PTSD situations. My solution until recently has been to pretend I am neuronormal, burying emotions, and trying to act "normal". This worked well for me until a few years ago.

Now I am struggling to find a purpose in the relatively short time I have left. If I can't find that, then there is no good reason to go on.

 

[RCantCope]

Hi,

I'm writing this message to ask if your neurodivergent condition is the reason why you want to ctb?

Personally, I'm not officially neurodivergent, but I've had doubts for a long time. Recently, I met a girl who has been formally diagnosed as autistic, and she told me several times that I should consider getting a neuropsychological assessment because I seem to be struggling and show quite a few autistic traits

Next year, I plan to get a neuropsychological evaluation, but in the meantime, I'd love to hear your story. How does it affect your life?

Thank you

When I finally accepted that I was neurodivergent, I took it really hard. Finally all the abuse and bullying I'd went through made sense, but it also exacerbated the feeling of blame that I placed on myself. It was my fault for "being born wrong" (no I don't think autistic ppl are born wrong, thats just how my mind treats me)

I'm angry at many things. The fact I'm judged the moment I enter a room simply because I give off the aura of 'tism. People know Immediately, even if they can't place why. I'm angry at the fact all my siblings just get to live perfect, normal lives while I struggle every single day to do the basics.

It took me being immensely suicidal to realise how much I wanted to live, but I survived my abusive household for a life that will never exist because I get overstimulated, overwhelmed, I have meltdowns when I'm too stressed, I have chronic anxiety and overall.. I'm just a waste. So in the end, I don't want to live anymore. There's nothing in life for someone like me who can't even bare a bright light or two.

Mental health support does nothing for me, because it was designed BY neurotypicals, FOR neurotypicals. "Feeling stressed? Just have a bath!" Like.. what a f**king joke??

I'm tired.. thank you for your post and the question, and the chance to rant. Have a good day

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I think no empathy is just a light way to put it out. I feel like mentally ill is more suitable and I feel like I am getting deeper and deeper into it.
But like people said, no one can change your personality and your thought but only you can do it. you can control your thought and you have full responsibility to your action even though you have personality disorder, which is not a physical disability on a brain.
So I am not sure if those are count as neurodivergent because it is more aggressive and self deserved side for weaponizing suicide rather than passive lack of ability since born side like psychosis.

Mental illnesses are as much disabilities as disorders that are "physical to the brain." In fact, the more you use certain parts of brain, the more different it looks. ASPD brains have been dissected and shown that the empathy part of said brain was smaller from lack of use. The brain is a muscle, if you do not use part of it, it atrophies.

And yes, it is your responsibility if you have a personality disorder, but saying "only you alone" can change it is incorrect. You cannot control your thoughts, only your actions. Only you alone can SEEK to change. Only you alone can PUT IN THE WORK. But therapy and medications are often needed. That's not shameful. No one can change your personality, but therapy can help keep you from falling into traps that your personality tends to try to. No one can change your thoughts, but therapy can help teach you how to redirect the bad ones.

Keep in mind that most of these are theorized to form in childhood, when the brain is developing. If said person gets no support, their brain WILL eventually be physically changed. A lot of "mentally ill" brains look much more different from neurotypical brains compared to autistic brains. Autism really mostly has underdeveloped balance and motor skill sections, as well as a few differences in emotional (essentially the "right brain"). There are childhood aquired neurodivergent disorders that show some of those, and the balance/motor skills sections can be exercised (like a muscle, as I said) by allowing autistic children to have physical therapy and encouraging them to be active and do fine motor skills like writing.

I've done a lot of research on this, so personally I consider that neurodivergence. Even name-wise: Neuro=brain, diverge=differ. The brain is a physical organ, but it also makes us... well, US. To say that physical born differences are more neurodivergent than ones that develop later but have similar effects always seemed strange to me. Given, I do have both personality disorder(s) (BPD with NPD traits + low-to-no emotional empathy) AND born neurodivergence (autism, ADHD), so maybe I just sort of obsess over the studies I find. Probably tbh

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I have autism which has changed my entire neurotype to be highly incompatible with life so, yeah, it's a big reason. I'm not necessarily talking about socialisation issues as, whilst I am unable to socialise effectively irl (I have never made an irl friend or acquaintance throughout my entire life), that isn't what makes me suicidal. What makes me suicidal is having an extremely low tolerance to suffering and having no motivation at all to do anything in life. This means that everything I do has to be forced and it also means that whatever I do is super exhausting. I even get extremely tired from washing the dishes and, whilst people would blame this on depression, I accidentally think that it's due to my autism making me have no energy to do anything in life.

I worry about being homeless in the future because, throughout my entire life so far, I have relied on my academic intelligence but life has gotten so difficult to where I can no longer rely on this and I'm failing immensely. Yesterday I studied all day for something that's due in today but, despite me trying my best, it wasn't enough. I'd still be suicidal even if my best was enough as I still think that life is a pointless grind of struggling for no benefit.

Ironically enough though, I'd say that the main thing stopping me from killing myself is... my autism. This isn't necessarily because I want to live as I really don't but rather because autism makes me incapable to understand basic things (before I said that I relied on my academic intelligence but that's actually the only thing that I have and it only applies to maths). It made me struggle with living and it also makes me struggle with dying because I just don't see a way for me to kill myself. I'm expected to figure it all out myself in this world but I can't figure it out. It'd be nice if there was some drug or nembutal that I could just buy from a random pharmacy but, no, suicide isn't like that.

 

[SpencerSees]

It plays the part.

I believe anyone can be a happy, well-adjusted individual despite their neurodivergence, but if you throw past trauma into the mix, yeahhh that's where it gets iffy.

This world wasn't created with nd people in mind, actually it was made to antagonize and villanize us at every turn. So unless you learn to mask like no other, good luck on the bus.

 

[Hotsackage]

No but when people like elon musk and donald are in power

 

[OmoriFan]

Im bad with words so i cant really explain how i feel but i am on the autism spectrum with suspected adhd and those two are my reasons for wanting to CTB

 

[Divinus]

I enjoy the fact I'm more logical, more analytical, more decisive and can make decisions without nuances like emotions getting in the way. I know if I wasn't autistic, I would be just like my siblings, and that thought frightens me. They are the plain opposite to me in every way, but they can conform and understand society while I can't. If I had this ability I know my life would be better, I wouldn't be committing suicide.

Most perks have it cons though, I guess this is mine.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm not officially neurodivergent though I have been clocked with depression and anxiety before by therapists. Many people I know though have thrown out autism, ADHD, and even BPD, bipolar disorder, or even schizophrenia as possible afflictions I may have though I highly doubt I have these, especially the latter ones.

Autism though could be very likely for me. After all, my sister has a very severe form of it and my father shows traits of the high functioning variant as well. However, I was officially tested for autism very early on as a child after it was confirmed in my sister and they actually found that I was completely normal. Whenever I bring this up some people claim I was probably just really good at "masking" or whatever it's called but to that I say there's no way I could have been that much of a brilliant mastermind at 4 years old.

Even if somehow I do have autism or ADHD or whatever, I don't think the rest of the world wants it to be official though. I am not accusing anyone else of doing this but I know for a fact that if I really was confirmed to have autism then I'd be as annoying about it as possible. Every little terrible thing I do and I'd just go "sorry that's my autism talking teehee". I already do this to some degree with my anxiety and that too makes life worse for the people around me.

Also let's say I really do have autism, well then that would just about give me all the more reason to CTB and end it all because it would mean there's no hope for me. From what I can tell it seems like no good treatment for autism even exists. It can't be cured either. It just seems like I'd be doomed to stew in my own stubbornness for the rest of my life. Also it would mean I could never have children which I'm still on the fence about even though I know this forum is heavily antinatalist but I guess that just makes me all the more evil.

So honestly I think my problem is just that I'm stupid and selfish and evil. Not in like a mentally deficient kind of way, but an "I'm so worthless and irredeemable that I'm undeserving of any sympathy". There's no official entry in the DSM-IV for inceldom. I'm the sole cause to blame for me having zero relationship experience even though I'm about to turn 31 in less than three months. To say that makes me neurodivergent is an insult to actual neurodivergent people who are way stronger than me for being able to contend with such conditions that I could never endure. The loneliness is the real reason I want to CTB more than anything else.