For the neurodivergent people here

[lifelite]

It is one of my reason.

I had undiagnosed ADHD for years, and it ruined my life. My school's grades are below averages, i wasted soo many opportunities, I can't finish college and eventually quit it. And when I finally got diagnosed, I get no support from my family or friends, no one wanted to help or understand me except meds, doctor and therapist. I've been fighting it alone for years and I don't think I can hold it anymore.

On top of that with several other reasons, it's enough for me to plan ctb. For one moment though, I thought it's just my impulsivity from adhd. But I don't think it is- because my Ideation have been running longer than it should be, and I've been committed to it for months now.

Congratulations on receiving help for adhd however!! Extremely hard thing to do where I live. It has caused major harm to my studies and job opportunities thus major depression. And the fact that I seem not to be able to receive any help for this is the last nail on my coffin. I'm defeated finally

 

[CogitoMori]

My inability to make connections with other people or talk to other people makes it really hard for me. I'm all alone and feel out of place everywhere I go. Oh and I hate myself.

I feel this. When I was younger I wanted to know every language in the world so I could talk to everyone. As an adult I realized that developed from a desire to connect with people and be understood at all times, because even asking a simple question was being defiant and required punishment. I'm so sick of being misunderstood.

 

[ryzeninside25]

Not directly I'm fine with who I am and the idiosyncrasies that come with being divergent. I was diagnosed as kid and I'm now 32 I've had time to come to terms with the way my brain is structured. That said the way people treat me is a big part of why I want to CTB and that is a direct consequence of other peoples unwillingness to accept who I am or just the general fear or discomfort neurotypicals often have for those of us who are neurodivergent.

 

[broth0100]

I mean not being able to do shit due to executive dysfunction is def a contributing factor. I have OCD symptoms and some personality issues too which make life difficult. Some of this stuff could def b medicated away, some of it not. At the end of the day ive never had much of a will to live, and that'll be the decisive thing if i ever do accomplish ctb.

 

[yowai]

I'm autistic and was officially diagnosed at 18, a therapist suggested it to my mom when I was 16 and before that had no idea what was wrong with me. It was traumatic as fuck growing up not being aware what made me feel so different and not feeling like I belong in any group. At one point I just accepted that I'm never going to fit in and have normal experiences like others. I had to be home schooled since 12, didn't make any friends till I was an adult, was extremely lonely but didn't know how to connect with people or even express what I'm feeling properly. To add to that when I hit puberty and my mental health deteriorated my parents became dead convinced I was possesed and forced religion onto me, even made me get exorcisms lol. I'm still uncomfortable af around religious people because of that. All of that obviously made me suicidal because I couldn't imagine surviving in this world with my problems, like even if I worked on myself really hard at most I could hope to be low functioning average person. Which hurt a lot because I had such big ambitions and dreams. Nowadays I'm just trying to survive and my peak ambitions are being able to hold any job and live on my own haha. I have a partner who supports me and accepts who I am but it's still difficult because his parents hate that I'm neurodivergent and believe I'll never be a functioning adult (much less a tradwife they'd probably love to have for their son lmao), and will only bring my partner down. They're like my most toxic and self hating thoughts personified... I don't think I'm going to die a natural death, but if I ctb my mom's going to have a mental breakdown and I can't do that to her, so I'm forced to stay here for now.

 

[legoshi]

I feel this. When I was younger I wanted to know every language in the world so I could talk to everyone. As an adult I realized that developed from a desire to connect with people and be understood at all times, because even asking a simple question was being defiant and required punishment. I'm so sick of being misunderstood.

I'm like that to this day. If someone I enjoy tells me a book, movie, food, etc. that they like I have to read it, see it, taste it or etc. so that I feel like I can connect with them and have something to talk about cause I don't talk other wise.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I read your opening post but not the replies that followed, sorry, not disrespectful, just no time. In my opinion & experience, the sooner the diagnosis the better. If you understand yourself & why you are how you are, have any mysteries solved, have any "solutions" ahead of you, then there is hope. Personally, I went through a shocking period of grief, (not depresion, real grief). I can't explain it, but it was like mourning myself. What my life could have been. Who I could have been. But then the understanding- it might help with accepting yourself or quietening your inner critic or getting out of shame spirals & make you feel less alone & find a new community. I think I know myself pretty well but I can't even put a ballpark percentage of wanting to CTB is due to being so neurodivergent, it's so tangled up with living "wrong" my whole life.
I do know for me, earlier diagnosis would have been life changing, I just don't know if it would have been life saving.

 

[qwertyuiopasdfghjkl]

Absolutely. The biggest factor. (For context all doctors and MH professionals think I have autism, awaiting assessment right now. Same goes for ADHD, currently in the process of getting diagnosed and on a trial of stimulants.)

Untreated neurodivergence can be absolute hell. I would not be where I am today (considering CTBing) if not for undiagnosed/untreated ADHD, which frankly caused my anxiety and depression. Absolutely wrecked my executive function, along with 10+ years of constant self hatred and constant failure (coupled with perfectionism, it is unbearable). People always make ADHD out to be "not a big deal" ("... everyone's a little ADHD nowadays ... "). Improperly managed, it can ruin lives.

Autism too. There's so much suffering in my life that could have been avoided if only I was diagnosed earlier and given some support/understanding for the difficulties that can come with social interaction.

 

[lachrymost]

I have autism which has changed my entire neurotype to be highly incompatible with life so, yeah, it's a big reason. I'm not necessarily talking about socialisation issues as, whilst I am unable to socialise effectively irl (I have never made an irl friend or acquaintance throughout my entire life), that isn't what makes me suicidal. What makes me suicidal is having an extremely low tolerance to suffering and having no motivation at all to do anything in life. This means that everything I do has to be forced and it also means that whatever I do is super exhausting. I even get extremely tired from washing the dishes and, whilst people would blame this on depression, I accidentally think that it's due to my autism making me have no energy to do anything in life.

I worry about being homeless in the future because, throughout my entire life so far, I have relied on my academic intelligence but life has gotten so difficult to where I can no longer rely on this and I'm failing immensely. Yesterday I studied all day for something that's due in today but, despite me trying my best, it wasn't enough. I'd still be suicidal even if my best was enough as I still think that life is a pointless grind of struggling for no benefit.

Ironically enough though, I'd say that the main thing stopping me from killing myself is... my autism. This isn't necessarily because I want to live as I really don't but rather because autism makes me incapable to understand basic things (before I said that I relied on my academic intelligence but that's actually the only thing that I have and it only applies to maths). It made me struggle with living and it also makes me struggle with dying because I just don't see a way for me to kill myself. I'm expected to figure it all out myself in this world but I can't figure it out. It'd be nice if there was some drug or nembutal that I could just buy from a random pharmacy but, no, suicide isn't like that.

Relate to so much of this OMG. I have a low suffering tolerance and high standards for quality of life, so I absolutely could not go through anything too traumatic on top of all my disadvantages. Too late for that. And now that I definitely don't want to be alive, everything is forced labour. But how can I kill myself successfully? Even normal people struggle with that, and I couldn't even finish high school.

 

[acidreflux]

I have autism which has changed my entire neurotype to be highly incompatible with life so, yeah, it's a big reason. I'm not necessarily talking about socialisation issues as, whilst I am unable to socialise effectively irl (I have never made an irl friend or acquaintance throughout my entire life), that isn't what makes me suicidal. What makes me suicidal is having an extremely low tolerance to suffering and having no motivation at all to do anything in life. This means that everything I do has to be forced and it also means that whatever I do is super exhausting. I even get extremely tired from washing the dishes and, whilst people would blame this on depression, I accidentally think that it's due to my autism making me have no energy to do anything in life.

I worry about being homeless in the future because, throughout my entire life so far, I have relied on my academic intelligence but life has gotten so difficult to where I can no longer rely on this and I'm failing immensely. Yesterday I studied all day for something that's due in today but, despite me trying my best, it wasn't enough. I'd still be suicidal even if my best was enough as I still think that life is a pointless grind of struggling for no benefit.

Ironically enough though, I'd say that the main thing stopping me from killing myself is... my autism. This isn't necessarily because I want to live as I really don't but rather because autism makes me incapable to understand basic things (before I said that I relied on my academic intelligence but that's actually the only thing that I have and it only applies to maths). It made me struggle with living and it also makes me struggle with dying because I just don't see a way for me to kill myself. I'm expected to figure it all out myself in this world but I can't figure it out. It'd be nice if there was some drug or nembutal that I could just buy from a random pharmacy but, no, suicide isn't like that.

I feel similarly, I have relied on my academic intelligence to just barely get me through life. I have no skills, no attractive qualities, I wasn't even very good at studying. I'm not any good at lying or keeping up a pretense either, so I couldn't 'mask' and lie about myself anyways. I only do things because I just do. I have no reason or desire to "work", study or do anything other than I am indirectly forced to, if I want to keep my comfortable lifestyle. I have no motivation for life, no driving force to keep me here other than the fear of death. The fear of death really maddens me because not only is it difficult to live, it's difficult to die. I mean it's definitely easier dying but it's hard to get it right. Getting a job and then continuing to work for the rest of your life sounds horrible, it requires energy and social interaction. None of which I have. I can barely tolerate education as it is, and you're telling me that all of it was preparation for the workforce? It's like some sort of sick joke. Do you feel like your life is just one big example of PDA? Because I do, and in that case I blame the autism.