NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

 

[The Actual Devil]

The other day, I was going through my family's old cookbooks when something in the soup section caught my eye.

"Chicken stock, beef stock, fish stock... laughing stock?"

I focused on that last one.

"Take one pound ground clown meat..."

 

[maniac116]

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad..

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... .".

 

[badkarma4618]

she chicken jorkeying my nethers till i reach the end

 

[The Actual Devil]

News report: Elon Musk says his daughter is "dead" to him and he is going to pretend that she no longer exists.

Everyone else: How do we get him to treat us like that?

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[maniac116]

1. Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing.... What covid is doing is just plaguerism.
2. What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I put this here because definitely NSFW

Biscuit Beats-I Ain't Gay

Dude has a lot of songs on YouTube

 

[maniac116]

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Another One

Biscuit Beats-Rubbin' One Out

 

[The Actual Devil]

Satan used to run a small diner.

One day, a woman walks in and places an order.

He asked her, "How do you want your egg?"

"Deviled," she answered.

So, he got her pregnant.

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[maniac116]

A boss asks his employee, "Do you believe there is Life After Death?"
The employee replied, "Certainly not Sir, there's no proof of it."
The boss said, "Well, there is… After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin's funeral, he came here looking for you.".

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[The Actual Devil]

I was driving with my nephew, and he kept telling me about his new opinions on female celebrities after these certain "podcasts" he'd been listening to.

"Lady Gaga is almost 40; she hit the wall."

"Katy Perry is 40; she hit the wall."

"Selena Gomez is in her 30s; she hit the wall."

So, enough was enough, and I drove the car off the highway.

We hit the wall.

 

[maniac116]

1) When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

---

2) If, at first, you don't succeed…
Then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

 

[badkarma4618]

i call my zipper 9/11 the way bush is behind it

 

[The Actual Devil]

Straight women: I'm worried that when I get older, my face will get wrinkles and men won't find me as attractive.

Meanwhile, straight men seeing a woman with wrinkles on her face:

 

[badkarma4618]

doing petplay with my deer girlfriend. i just hit her with my car going 55 on a country backroad.

 

[The Actual Devil]

There once was a farmer who owned a donkey. One day, the farmer saw a man and a woman standing next to his donkey out by the road. Wondering what was up, he approached them.

"Kin ah he'p ye?" he asked them.

The woman, through tears, said, " Your donkey ate my engagement ring!"

The man added, "We saw your donkey here by the road when we were walking and stopped to pet it. My fiancée tried feeding it some grass, when the damned thing opened its mouth and went to swallow her whole hand! When she pulled it out, the ring was gone!"

"Weh," the farmer started, "Thar's on'y won hole 't's comin' ou'. Ye kin wai' aroun' a fyew days fer it ta pass. Sortin' aw trew 'is shit..."

"Honey, then, we might not have it in time for the wedding!! What are we going to do?!" the woman cried out.

"FUCK THIS!" the man shouted, and reached for the donkey's belly, patting around until his grip found purchase. Then, with a sickening *RIIIIIP* noise, he tore a hunk of flesh from the donkey, reached his hand inside, and after a moment, he pulled out the ring. Wiping it clean on his sleeve, put it back on his fiancée's finger, and she gave him a big hug.

"Wut di' ye do?!?" The farmer shouted over the sound of the donkey's lamentations.

The man turned and yelled back at the farmer:

"I TORE YOU A NEW ASS-HOLE!!!"

 

[maniac116]

1) I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed "does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet" and we all laughed and laughed....
Well, except for one person.

2) I tried to teach my my son to never play Russian roulette...
It went in one ear & out the other

 

[The Actual Devil]

Kid: "Why is my bedtime before yours? I want to stay up and play with you and Mom. Is it really because I have school in the morning?"

Me: Yes,

 

[bankai]

 

[badkarma4618]

guy who doesnt respect the walkie talkie rules: ugh, im so hungover.

guy who does: rlly ? over.

 

[bankai]

guy who doesnt respect the walkie talkie rules: ugh, im so hungover.

guy who does: rlly ? over.

Damn,kid you not,yay reactions at the same time,what are the the chances of that..

 

[badkarma4618]

Damn,kid you not,yays at the same time,what are the the chances of that..

its fate. yays 4ever <3

 

[Grog]

What is Al Qaeda's favorite NFL team?

The New York Jets

 

[Grog]

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because Sally had no arms.


*Knock-knock*
Who's there?
Not Sally.

 

[maniac116]

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day...
Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

 

[Grog]

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.