Help Getting life going despite everything

[ac2lm]

So, to put it short, I can't CTB because I'm way too much of a coward. This is something that hasn't changed over a decade of attempts, and given that track record, it's not something that's going to change ever. I still wallow in self-pity and all that other garbage I do, but it doesn't change the fact that my life is still going on anyways whether I like it or not. I'm trying to like it.

I set myself up for failure a few years back, I feel. I'm only just now getting my GED, and I never really thought about what I wanted to do with my life, so I'm a little directionless at the moment. I want to go to school and do things with my life, I want to enjoy my time with my friends, and I want to just have fun, but there's this nagging at the back of my head that tells me not to. Beyond being suicidal, I'm a coward in many other ways lol

I guess I'm wondering like, how do you begin to live life after conditioning yourself to loathe it?? I never really had any good role models in my life to inspire any sort of confidence in me as a kid, kind of the exact opposite, so I always feel like I'm missing some essential piece of my brain that allows me to do what I want to do. I hold myself back from everything. I don't want to inconvenience others or myself with my own presence or input, but I want to finally be me (or, discover what *me* even is, I guess?). I've been thinking hard about university, now that that could be an option. I love the arts, I love so many of them and wish I could do it all. Picking just one seems scary, and I'm kind of terrified of not being good enough to make it in any of them. I've recently gotten my passion for my hobbies back, and it makes me realize just how much I want to live my whole life being passionate about those things. Just don't know how to start or get over myself.

The question is kinda general, but I kind of need to haul ass in general anyways. How do you find confidence in yourself after a lifetime of hating everything you are?? I'm not expecting a magical cure to the rest of my problems, but I'm hoping others have dealt with something like this, and maybe have some tips. Kind of just want to attempt starting a life I'm chill with if I can't end it lol

If anyone's reading, hope you're doing well, thanks for getting through my ramblings

 

[timf]

You had mentioned the arts. In any particular field there will be a few who are "good". but many more who love to dabble. For example, if you go to a Bluegrass festival, sometimes you can find more people in the parking lot in groups of three or four picking by themselves than in the audience listening to the main groups.

You might try different things as sort of experiments to see if you can find something that sparks your interest. Some find a connection in religion or politics. Some find learning a skill such as public speaking through Toastmasters to be fun. Still others find volunteer work or something in the arts (music, painting, theater, etc.) something that satisfies.