Story Girlfriend left me because I’m at risk TW

[wannafly]

I've been getting closer to CTB recently and ended up buying a load of xans the other day. I was with my girlfriend and I kept it because I planned to only use them for anxiety. Apparently I took loads, got out some Stanley blades I bought the day before for BDSM, started having a breakdown cutting my arm in random places like just cutting randomly saying how it didn't even hurt.

Anyways, according to her (I can't remember), I got violently suicidal with it and she apparently tried to stop me but I ended up choking her temporarily for physically restraining me.

Now I'd never do it sober or anything but it definitely gave her flashbacks to an ex but I was just so ready to do it because I had the tool right there yknow?

She's just left me over it but obviously I apologised and shit but man I couldn't control myself at all I was just ready to ctb. After that my housemate took me to the hospital and they did the usual blood stuff and the psychiatrist there said "what can help you?" And I pretty much just said "well to be honest this keeps happening like I cry every day after work and at work often, genuinely the only thing that worked before was diazepam". So I'm lucky off getting that because they said that I should be prescribed them.

But man I feel shitty for hurting her, being so out of control but I know truly that it was out of pure self hatred I didn't want to be stopped. She's left me or at least "needs to think about things" for a few weeks, so I just feel even worse because I rely on emotional support, which she failed to give me anyway. But I'm so attached. I've no clue what to do because I really see a future and have plans with this girl, but I'm sat here waiting knowing she's out doing whatever she wants while I wait til the doctor opens tomorrow to get me an urgent prescription that they might not even do for me because of my previous drug abuse history.

I'm in the same city as her right now and it hurts knowing that she won't see me - I don't even know if she misses me and she's all that I think about. I feel so guilty for what I did I just treat her so well all the time and this is the one time I messed up but I understand that it can have a crazy effect on someone. But I was having a mental breakdown, I remember nothing of it because of the xans, which I probably had like 20mg of.

Now my ma has texted me (she lives away) that she won't support me financially any longer until I'm clear of my "drug dependency" - which I don't have, I only use occasionally. I hate that people now see me as trashy because of it and I'm worried that she'll leave forever over this because she's the one person keeping me around, otherwise I'll just take a bunch more of them again and reattempt.

I don't want her to have the guilt so maybe she thinks I'm just too much of a suicide risk as well? I don't know how to deal with this situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful what you are going through, it does seem as though there is no escape from suffering in a life like this. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief as none of us should ever have to experience such pain.

 

[wannafly]

It sounds so awful what you are going through, it does seem as though there is no escape from suffering in a life like this. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief as none of us should ever have to experience such pain.

Thank you for the kindness. I realise that I should leave her if things get worse but things are even worse alone you know what I mean

 

[Caterpillar]

Ah god dude that's absolutely awful. I'm so sorry, i know i don't walk in your shoes but i have parallels in your description and I can really sympathize that it's a battle when you love someone and when you are being battered by the world. This girl sounds like she really cares too. The waiting game is one of the most agonizing things to play. I'm sorry you have to play it.

 

[wannafly]

Ah god dude that's absolutely awful. I'm so sorry, i know i don't walk in your shoes but i have parallels in your description and I can really sympathize that it's a battle when you love someone and when you are being battered by the world. This girl sounds like she really cares too. The waiting game is one of the most agonizing things to play. I'm sorry you have to play it.

Thanks man. To be honest she's always been pretty emotionally distant but she's been kind mostly. But yeah, it's such a battle and I know I was out of control but it's not something I take every day like I'd just gotten them on the day and just ended up manic. I know I'd never have done worse but her leaving kills.

 

[again_noidea]

I've been getting closer to CTB recently and ended up buying a load of xans the other day. I was with my girlfriend and I kept it because I planned to only use them for anxiety. Apparently I took loads, got out some Stanley blades I bought the day before for BDSM, started having a breakdown cutting my arm in random places like just cutting randomly saying how it didn't even hurt.

Anyways, according to her (I can't remember), I got violently suicidal with it and she apparently tried to stop me but I ended up choking her temporarily for physically restraining me.

Now I'd never do it sober or anything but it definitely gave her flashbacks to an ex but I was just so ready to do it because I had the tool right there yknow?

She's just left me over it but obviously I apologised and shit but man I couldn't control myself at all I was just ready to ctb. After that my housemate took me to the hospital and they did the usual blood stuff and the psychiatrist there said "what can help you?" And I pretty much just said "well to be honest this keeps happening like I cry every day after work and at work often, genuinely the only thing that worked before was diazepam". So I'm lucky off getting that because they said that I should be prescribed them.

But man I feel shitty for hurting her, being so out of control but I know truly that it was out of pure self hatred I didn't want to be stopped. She's left me or at least "needs to think about things" for a few weeks, so I just feel even worse because I rely on emotional support, which she failed to give me anyway. But I'm so attached. I've no clue what to do because I really see a future and have plans with this girl, but I'm sat here waiting knowing she's out doing whatever she wants while I wait til the doctor opens tomorrow to get me an urgent prescription that they might not even do for me because of my previous drug abuse history.

I'm in the same city as her right now and it hurts knowing that she won't see me - I don't even know if she misses me and she's all that I think about. I feel so guilty for what I did I just treat her so well all the time and this is the one time I messed up but I understand that it can have a crazy effect on someone. But I was having a mental breakdown, I remember nothing of it because of the xans, which I probably had like 20mg of.

Now my ma has texted me (she lives away) that she won't support me financially any longer until I'm clear of my "drug dependency" - which I don't have, I only use occasionally. I hate that people now see me as trashy because of it and I'm worried that she'll leave forever over this because she's the one person keeping me around, otherwise I'll just take a bunch more of them again and reattempt.

I don't want her to have the guilt so maybe she thinks I'm just too much of a suicide risk as well? I don't know how to deal with this situation.

you need to take responsibility for your gf. attempting suicide next to her without her being okay with it clearly breaks the rules of human conduct. i understand that you want to kill yourself, but still you need to take responsibility for your actions. i understand that you feel sorry for yourself, but you write is if you just want her back without changing your attitude towards suicide. also, benzos are dangerous drugs, they should only be taken if there is no other option.

 

[wannafly]

you need to take responsibility for your gf. attempting suicide next to her without her being okay with it clearly breaks the rules of human conduct. i understand that you want to kill yourself, but still you need to take responsibility for your actions. i understand that you feel sorry for yourself, but you write is if you just want her back without changing your attitude towards suicide. also, benzos are dangerous drugs, they should only be taken if there is no other option.

It was entirely an episode, I wouldn't think about doing that otherwise.

 

[nembutal]

my ex left because of my pessimism and willingness to end it, so i understand somewhat. my thoughts never manifested into thorough action though. all i keep asking is why they would dump me as if disconnect would help with my suicidal ideation at all. i bet you carry the same thoughts somewhat. im sorry

 

[IfyouareamanWinston]

I wish my husband would leave so that I could feel less guilt. I'm not strong enough to be the one to make the choice