Venting Going back to university and scared

[orpheus_]

In a few days I will be starting university again. I dropped out last year because I was so tired I couldn't attend classes, wouldn't even dream of trying to pass the exams. Also I had no reason to be going there because I was planning to CTB anyway. Well, here I am, alive, unfortunately, starting another degree because I need something, anything to do, and I don't want to destroy myself completely by isolating myself at home. Also I need to convince my parents (who don't live with me) that I'm doing good, and for that I need to be going to uni or doing ANYTHING other than staying home.
I want to go to university again. Get out of my small apartment, which is making me sick already, get out of this boring, uneventful life. This is my chance, another one. But I'm so scared I will fail again.

I am also scared of socializing, although I feel terribly lonely and would love someone to talk to irl. I am trans and I'm scared that people will harass me because of it, though it didn't happen when I was last attending uni. Still there's a chance. At the same time, I desperately want friends, but I also want to isolate. I'm scared that I will not be able to talk to anyone again, like it was last year. Seeing people have friends and enjoy their lives was painful, knowing I will probably never get that. Who would want to befriend a depressed, boring dude like me anyway? I'm just a burden to every person I know, and nobody wants to get themselves into a relationship like this. With a person whose life is a mess, who lost their entire personality because of contant suicidal thoughts. I don't even have interests anymore because complete anhedonia killed all of them. I thought things would get back on track when I started taking meds, but they only helped me for like a month and now I feel like I'm back where I was.

I really want things to be better. I want my life to be more than just trying to survive, sleeping most of the time, giving all of my energy into trying to keep myself alive, maintaining hygiene and feeding myself. I know I can get out, I have more energy than I used to (I guess the meds are still doing somtehing lol) but I still just lack motivation. I know that going back to university is my chance. Also a chance to meet some people, I feel terrible when I have no social interaction. I'm just so scared I will fail again and going there will lead me to more misery because I will see al these people who live their lives normally, and know I will never be like them.

 

[N7_Alliance_Marine]

I am trans and I'm scared that people will harass me because of it

Most students and professors at college campuses are liberal, you'll likely be fine. Are you MTF or FTM?

 

[orpheus_]

Most students and professors at college campuses are liberal, you'll likely be fine. Are you MTF or FTM?

In my country, not really, though my university is quite liberal so I know I shouldn't be that worried. I'm FTM but pre-transition, I pass as male literally 50% of time and it often leads to.. some awkward situations.

 

[hoppybunny]

In a few days I will be starting university again. I dropped out last year because I was so tired I couldn't attend classes, wouldn't even dream of trying to pass the exams. Also I had no reason to be going there because I was planning to CTB anyway. Well, here I am, alive, unfortunately, starting another degree because I need something, anything to do, and I don't want to destroy myself completely by isolating myself at home. Also I need to convince my parents (who don't live with me) that I'm doing good, and for that I need to be going to uni or doing ANYTHING other than staying home.
I want to go to university again. Get out of my small apartment, which is making me sick already, get out of this boring, uneventful life. This is my chance, another one. But I'm so scared I will fail again.

I am also scared of socializing, although I feel terribly lonely and would love someone to talk to irl. I am trans and I'm scared that people will harass me because of it, though it didn't happen when I was last attending uni. Still there's a chance. At the same time, I desperately want friends, but I also want to isolate. I'm scared that I will not be able to talk to anyone again, like it was last year. Seeing people have friends and enjoy their lives was painful, knowing I will probably never get that. Who would want to befriend a depressed, boring dude like me anyway? I'm just a burden to every person I know, and nobody wants to get themselves into a relationship like this. With a person whose life is a mess, who lost their entire personality because of contant suicidal thoughts. I don't even have interests anymore because complete anhedonia killed all of them. I thought things would get back on track when I started taking meds, but they only helped me for like a month and now I feel like I'm back where I was.

I really want things to be better. I want my life to be more than just trying to survive, sleeping most of the time, giving all of my energy into trying to keep myself alive, maintaining hygiene and feeding myself. I know I can get out, I have more energy than I used to (I guess the meds are still doing somtehing lol) but I still just lack motivation. I know that going back to university is my chance. Also a chance to meet some people, I feel terrible when I have no social interaction. I'm just so scared I will fail again and going there will lead me to more misery because I will see al these people who live their lives normally, and know I will never be like them.

This is gonna sound weird but it really helps. Join a club, not a professional one, an interest based one. Like for instance when i was in college i joined a nerd club and i managed to make friends and it really helped with loneliness and going out. genuinely had a good time. (i will be honest with you, you have to like actually put the effort to attend these things and talk to someone and you also have to ignore any self hate while your doing these things. cause i screwed myself over because i ahate my appearance and my voice and my brain and i assumed it was the same for everyone else. so if you deal with self hate you have to ignore the vioce in your head.)

but like join chill clubs, like art, music appreciation, movie club, a book club, just something low commitment that still lets you socialize.
another thing you can do is register for online classes and then just go to clubs on campus. That way you don't have to see others being normal during class and can only come on campus to get better at socializing and make friends.

I know how it feels to feel worse cause of how normal everyone looks, it's one of the reasons i switched to a commuter school. so i can spend time away from them as possible. i will say avoiding people has caused me to develop a mild anthropophobia, which sucks. So it's good that you're trying again. Proud of you foreal. I avoid going out with my friend of 7 years because i'm lowkey scared she hates how i look.

one last thing if you're not looking forward to going on campus, you can get an online degree and try going to local meetups or go to events in your library near you. like for instance my sister joined a knitting club at our local library and although she only met old ladies she enjoyed it a lot and really liked sociallizing with them. There's also just starting a random club as well, like a book club i mentioned earlier. Or a gossip club or just watch movies at your library together.

basically what i'm saying is, even if nothing brings you pleasure joining interest based organizations, clubs and activities will help you socialize cause you don't need to find anything in common so no need to deal with akward ice breakers. If you hate the activity just move on or start one. Just make sure it's a low cost activity so you don't waste money on something expensive you end up hating likke skiing or something.

this is advice as a student in the US so im sorry if it's not helpful.

Also, i forgot to add this. Sorry you feel unsafe as a trans student. I don't know if you're from the US or not but like others said colleges are very liberal especially in the US so you should be fine. If anyone does try to harass you try to report them but don't let it get to you. You as a human being have the same rights as everyone else regardless of your identity and you deserve to feel safe.

 

[orpheus_]

This is gonna sound weird but it really helps. Join a club, not a professional one, an interest based one. Like for instance when i was in college i joined a nerd club and i managed to make friends and it really helped with loneliness and going out. genuinely had a good time. (i will be honest with you, you have to like actually put the effort to attend these things and talk to someone and you also have to ignore any self hate while your doing these things. cause i screwed myself over because i ahate my appearance and my voice and my brain and i assumed it was the same for everyone else. so if you deal with self hate you have to ignore the vioce in your head.)

but like join chill clubs, like art, music appreciation, movie club, a book club, just something low commitment that still lets you socialize.
another thing you can do is register for online classes and then just go to clubs on campus. That way you don't have to see others being normal during class and can only come on campus to get better at socializing and make friends.

I know how it feels to feel worse cause of how normal everyone looks, it's one of the reasons i switched to a commuter school. so i can spend time away from them as possible. i will say avoiding people has caused me to develop a mild anthropophobia, which sucks. So it's good that you're trying again. Proud of you foreal. I avoid going out with my friend of 7 years because i'm lowkey scared she hates how i look.

one last thing if you're not looking forward to going on campus, you can get an online degree and try going to local meetups or go to events in your library near you. like for instance my sister joined a knitting club at our local library and although she only met old ladies she enjoyed it a lot and really liked sociallizing with them. There's also just starting a random club as well, like a book club i mentioned earlier. Or a gossip club or just watch movies at your library together.

basically what i'm saying is, even if nothing brings you pleasure joining interest based organizations, clubs and activities will help you socialize cause you don't need to find anything in common so no need to deal with akward ice breakers. If you hate the activity just move on or start one. Just make sure it's a low cost activity so you don't waste money on something expensive you end up hating likke skiing or something.

this is advice as a student in the US so im sorry if it's not helpful.

Also, i forgot to add this. Sorry you feel unsafe as a trans student. I don't know if you're from the US or not but like others said colleges are very liberal especially in the US so you should be fine. If anyone does try to harass you try to report them but don't let it get to you. You as a human being have the same rights as everyone else regardless of your identity and you deserve to feel safe.

I'm not in the US so not all of this can be applied to my situation, but thanks regardless. I guess joining a club could be a good idea, although... well, I have no interests anymore and my lack of energy makes it hard to participate in activities, I mean some days are ok but some I can barely get out of bed and I'm scared I won't even be able to attend my regular classes. I still think I prefer going to the campus over a online degree, because going out in general seems to help me, my problem really is that I always compare myself too much to other people.. well, I will see how things go, and if I have enough energy to attend my classes in general then maybe I will try to look into clubs, although they aren't as popular in my country so options may be limited. But I know there is one in my uni based around tabletop rpgs, I wanted to join last year because it seemed like something I might get into (based on my old interests) but was too scared that people would hate me... I'm a bit less scared of people now, my main issue is the lack of energy and generally being unmotivated. But maybe I should try, that's a good idea. Thanks for trying to help! I appreciate it.