Had a coworker ask me if I like being alone. It felt strange.

[SomewhatLoved]

I have a coworker - she's probably right around the age of my mom. Right from when I started working at this job just over 7 months ago, she has suggested on multiple occasions that she could set me up with her daughter. She's said to me that I seem so put together, so focused and driven, so sweet, whatever. I always turned her down. When I initially said no she even started trying to sell me on it, saying her daughter wants to be a lawyer and whatever. I'm sure her daughter is a great person, but I just can't see myself with anyone. I remember once she was having this conversation with me in front of another coworker, and the other coworker looked at me and said "I have a daughter too you know" or something like that.

Recently she was talking to me and it somehow came up that at the end of the month I'm taking a week off to do a road trip. She asked if I was going with anyone and I just said no. I think she half-jokingly asked "are you taking a girl with you?" or something like that. I told her I would be strapping an axe and a tent to my motorcycle, putting some canned food in the saddlebag, and just riding off on a trip for about 5 days. She then asked me "do you just like being alone?" and when I asked her what she meant she elaborated that it seems like I'm never interested in dating or even having friends as I never even talk about going out with people like my other coworkers do.

It felt so strange. I don't really talk about my personal life at work beyond surface level stuff like discussing vacation plans, and I think this has resulted in me almost having two separate personalities. One at work where I just seem professional and hardworking and nothing else, and my personal side where I'm a complete mess. My work partner (who I work with 40 hours a week every week) even joked he doesn't know anything about me other than the fact I like motorcycles. I spend more time with that man than literally anyone else in my life by a longshot. This has resulted in her thinking I'm just misanthropic or something and have no desire to be with anyone - either as a friend or partner. I think if I told my coworkers that I have BPD, depression, etc, they would think I'm joking and just not believe me.

She couldn't be more wrong. I desperately crave companionship and love. I've wanted to get married as long as I could remember, and it's really the only constant desire I've had in life. But it just feels like it's become so unobtainable, I'm not even pursuing it now. I'm mentally unwell and difficult to love, I self-sabotage, I'm a hateful and pessimistic person. I think I could only really be with someone if they were similarly hateful towards the world, and even I know that type of relationship probably isn't sustainable. I don't really go out unless it's to work or do errands like shopping. I live the life of a recluse, but I hate it.

It almost feels funny that she has perceived me as the exact opposite of what I am. I'm not even really sure how to describe the way I felt when she explained what she meant to me other than strange or out of place. It sounded like she was talking about someone completely different, I don't know how I've created this separate personality that seems to be the exact opposite of who I actually am outside of work.

Currently listening to: "I Could Forget Myself" by Seventh Seance

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Sounds like she was expressing curiosity about you covertly. Respectfully, I wouldn't say flirt with her but I would say that even for a moment she found you attractive enough to subtlely say "I've noticed some things about you".

If I was you would take this as a confidence boost and actually start talking to women.
I know there's a lot of societal pressure, but I do think companionship would do really good for your mental health so long as you don't have the negative that having a partner with erase or even minimize your issues, it would just open the door to the possibility of a long-term goal of being with someone. Doesn't mean your life will take that route, but as a person having goals really helps silence the suicidal voices.

 

[darksouls]

everyone can be lovable
wether mentally ill or not

 

[SomewhatLoved]

everyone can be lovable
wether mentally ill or not

I agree it's possible, but it's more difficult for your partner, no? I wouldn't really want to make anyone suffer through living with me, most of the time I don't want to live with myself.

I am a very emotional person and feel emotions very strongly, sometimes it's good because I'm very happy and loving and affectionate and energetic, but then on the flipside I can also be very whiny and mopey and exhausted. Some weeks I go out daily, exercise and eat well, and others I just lay in bed for days at a time only getting up to eat a small meal/snack once a day (if that).

 

[Dejected 55]

Many years ago a co-worker wanted to set me up with his sister. Thing is, I didn't even know this co-worker, I just knew of him... so I don't know why he wanted to fix me up with his sister. I reluctantly agreed, though, since at that time I had never been on a date. I was 25 and figured I couldn't complain about no one liking me if I didn't give someone else a chance, right?

The date itself was kind of meh, and the woman was nice enough but we weren't for each other. I didn't lead her on or anything, we had dinner and I paid and I took her back home afterwards and we talked and agreed it wasn't right for either of us.

But afterwards, it made me think... What was that co-worker doing fixing up his sister with a stranger he didn't even know? I felt like it didn't speak well for him or for the woman or for me in that scenario no matter how you slice it.

What I'm getting to here is... people you don't know well who want to set you up with someone might not be evil, but it is hard for it to be done with any sincere thought to you actually being right for the person they set you up with because how could it?

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Many years ago a co-worker wanted to set me up with his sister. Thing is, I didn't even know this co-worker, I just knew of him... so I don't know why he wanted to fix me up with his sister. I reluctantly agreed, though, since at that time I had never been on a date. I was 25 and figured I couldn't complain about no one liking me if I didn't give someone else a chance, right?

The date itself was kind of meh, and the woman was nice enough but we weren't for each other. I didn't lead her on or anything, we had dinner and I paid and I took her back home afterwards and we talked and agreed it wasn't right for either of us.

But afterwards, it made me think... What was that co-worker doing fixing up his sister with a stranger he didn't even know? I felt like it didn't speak well for him or for the woman or for me in that scenario no matter how you slice it.

What I'm getting to here is... people you don't know well who want to set you up with someone might not be evil, but it is hard for it to be done with any sincere thought to you actually being right for the person they set you up with because how could it?

I agree with this. The coworker trying to set me up with her daughter seemed to be a pretty normal person, and if that's any metric her daughter probably is too. I think in a lot of ways I'm not very normal, and because of that I doubt it's possible.

 

[Dejected 55]

I agree with this. The coworker trying to set me up with her daughter seemed to be a pretty normal person, and if that's any metric her daughter probably is too. I think in a lot of ways I'm not very normal, and because of that I doubt it's possible.

I've prided myself as never having rejected anyone. If there was ever a woman who liked me but didn't let me know, I can't be responsible for that. I'd at least have talked to her and been pleasant, whether I gave her a chance or not. So, in the one situation where someone wanted to fix me up, I figured I couldn't outright refuse. I mean, I could of course... but if I then went right back to complaining about no one liking me or wanting to go out with me after rejecting even meeting a person someone wanted to fix me up with?

Some years later, a woman I had asked out... who said she didn't think of me that way, but sent some weird mixed signals... that woman said she knew a co-worker who was single and asked if I would go out with her. I figured either it was a test to see if I'd accept OR it might be real... and since she had rejected me, I figured what the hell and said to her, sure she could ask the woman she knew and I was open to meet her and see. That one never happened, the woman came back to me and said the co-worker she knew wasn't interested. I don't know if it was me specifically or just in general. I also doubted if it was real sometimes, wondering if it really had been just a test.

Anyway, I was open in both cases to be setup because I figure if someone wants to give me a chance I'm willing to at least talk to her and see. Those are the only times that ever came up, though.

 

[bankai]

BrOP,my dawg.You and I are extremely similar. I'm the only one in my whole workforce that's single. I've had some of my older coworkers try to set me up as well with their daughters. I think you're fantastic for choosing to remain single. I know this might be slightly controversial, but I don't think anyone with serious issues should be getting into a relationship.

If you can't be happy on your own, you cannot be happy with someone else. You just can't. So what you're going to do is have them participate in your suffering. Some selfish people of course don't have a problem with that. They'll try to squeeze out the good things from a relationship and then just abandon their partner when it comes to their needs.

Me personally, I feel you're doing a good thing. Our suffering ends with us. No one else needs to get involved. But if that day comes when you feel better, by all means, pursue someone. I would love that for both you and me.