has anyone else committed a crime?

[inthebay]

I understand the shame and guilt when you fully realise what kind of person you've become. I can't even walk down the street any more.

i feel the same way. i think my family doesn't understand why it's difficult for me to go outside nowdays, but i feel like people can "smell" what i did on me, even if i know logically that no one could really tell unless i told them. i think all the time about how much other people would hate me if they knew, so talking to people in general feels sort of weird, because i know the only reason they're kind to me in the moment is because they don't know, if that makes sense.

We're all guilty of something, even if that crime was only ever against ourselves. I have hurt myself plenty, and this has hurt the people around me who care for me. I know that in ending myself, it will destroy a part of them.

this also kills me, knowing how much my self hatred hurts the people i have left in my life who still do care about me. i'm incredibly grateful and lucky to have these people at all. i feel like i've already failed them.

Siento muchísimo que estés sufriendo por esto. Para mí este tema es algo contradictorio ya que siento una gran empatía hacia todas y las ilegalidades más o menos graves que se han comentado incluso sumando las que yo haya cometido ja ja. Porque aunque no sea consciente seguro de que alguna habré cometido, y cosas inmorales he hecho muchísimas. Pero cuando pienso en las personas que me jodieron la vida cuando yo hera solo un niño, no siento más que rabia e ira. Cuando me dicen eso de que tengo que perdonar y dejar atrás a las personas que me hicieron lo que me hicieron me pongo de los nervios....Por eso me siento algo polarizado internamente. Reconozco que soy un poco incongruente porque cuando pienso en las personas que han podido hacer alguna "ilegalidad grave" me gusta tener una mirada comprensiva y empática. Me gusta entender a la persona más haya del propio acto o hecho pero cuando se trata de hacerlo con las personas que me dejaron marcado para toda la vida me resulta imposible hacerlo. Pero la gran diferencia que veo es que asume y reconoces lo que hiciste que expresas tus sentimientos y tu verdad de manera valiente y eso en mi opinión te honra y te dignifica aunque estés sufriendo. Las personas o la persona que me lastimó no tuvo la honradez, ni valentía, ni moral de reconocer ni en su lecho de muerte lo que hizo conmigo. No reconoció nunca su culpa ni pidió perdón por sus actos y eso es algo que lo llevó realmente mal. Todos cometemos errores pero ser conscientes, el reconocimiento sincero de nuestros actos y asumir las consecuencias de manera valiente, en mi opinión, creo que hace digna ya la persona.
Gracias por expresar tu experiencia.​

Solo sé un poco de español, así que estoy usando la ayuda de un traductor para algo de esto. Lo siento si no tiene sentido.

Afortunadamente, no lastimé a un niño, pero no creo que eso excuse lo que hice.

Creo que es muy común sentir ira hacia aquellos que te lastiman. Nunca me molestaré con otra persona por sentirme de esa manera. Yo tengo el mismo conflicto. Quiero perdonar y comprender a los demás, y al mismo tiempo, estoy muy familiarizado con esa ira. Lo he sentido hacia personas que me lastimaron.

No creo que tengas que perdonar. Cada uno tiene una definición diferente del perdón. Ayuda a algunas personas, pero no a otras. Creo que solo deberías perdonar a las personas que te lastimaron si eso te da paz. Creo que lo más importante en general es concentrarse en reparar el dolor.

fue muy difícil ser honesto sobre lo que hice. estaba muy asustada. sin embargo, lo mismo se me hizo en el pasado, así que traté de pensar en lo que hubiera querido cuando estaba en esa situación. quería que la otra persona reconociera lo que hizo, así que traté de hacer eso en esta situación.

Intenté todo lo que pude para reparar la situación, pero la persona no quiere hablar conmigo, así que creo que lo mejor que puedo hacer es dejarlos solos a menos que la persona decida hablar de ello en el futuro.

Agradezco mucho tu comentario. Te deseo paz.

 

[needthebus]

what did u do?

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'll tell you this secret. I work with people who have been found guilty of all type of offenses, and I don't judge, I try to understand. I'm pretty sure I can guess what your alleged crime is. I promise, I won't even mention it.

I can't tell you what to do, only you can make peace with that decision. Time doesn't go backwards, we can only move forward. This is what I gathered and maybe I'm way off. It appears something has happened. You have attempted to apologize, and this person didn't accept your apology and wanted no parts of you anymore. Which is completely understandable, nobody has to accept our apologies, it's their right. Let me be clear, I'm not perfect by far, trust me. I've made several apologies that haven't been accepted and that's ok, I've done my part.

It seems your internal struggle has you restless. I think you believe if you're criminally prosecuted, then your slate will be clean, and you can then rest. Your family loves you and sees you for you and will never agree to what happened was possibly a crime.

So what do you do? This is the hardest part because either choice will have consequences. Which consequence are you able to sleep with is the real question? I'm going to share 2 true stories with you of 2 people I met that I can never forget. These stories are random and are at no way trying to figure out what happened. These stories have helped me when I view these type of offenders and understand them.

Offender #1: This male has a history of obvious crimes that he knew would get him thrown in jail
Ex: walking around a busy area in the day, nude. Urinating on the sidewalk while police are standing there watching, etc. Everytime this Offender ended up in jail he requested emergency medical help with complaints of a infected penis and always something shoved inside his penis. Sounds crazy right? It's sounds stupid until you have a discussion with him and then it makes sense. This Offender was a pedo and knew it was wrong. You can't help what arouses you, if it's illegal all you can do is try to not act on it. He purposely did these things so he couldn't get erect and perform on little boys, and used the police to save him by throwing him in jail. That's how this pedo saved potential victims. Now, does he sound crazy?

Offender #2: This Offender robbed several banks and wad very successful until someone blackmailed him for more money. He shared most of his money with family and friends, but they got greedy. His 1st bank robbery wasn't planned. He always carried a gun and walked past a bank and decided let me rob this and see how this goes. He walks in the bank and grabs a bank slip and writes "I have a gun, give me all your money!" He gets called by a new young bank teller who had this job maybe a week. She reads the note and freezes up, she can't move, she's terrified. She's so scared she doesn't even reach for the panic button that's right there. He shows her the gun by his side as to encourage her to hurry up. Nobody at the bank realizes they are currently being robbed. The gun works and she snaps out of it and empties her drawer and he walks off. She still didn't hit the arm, she's frozen. After her robs a few more banks and gets tipped off, he has trial. All of his victims come to testify. He will always remember her, she haunts him. Long story short, she ended getting disability, had PTSD and could barely finish her testimony during trial as she cries and breaks down on the stand, she needed several breaks. Bank robber goes to prison for Years and should be out by now. He said he wants to find her and apologize for destroying her life. He doesn't regret robbing the banks or none of his other victims but her testimony made him cry in court. Should he go find her and apologize? Will seeing him again re-traumatize her? We can't answer that for him.

Yes, my post is very long. I love to write. I wrote all of this to simply say, there is no right answer. If my thoughts regarding you alleged crime is correct, I'll be very honest with you, you will go through hell in prison. Nobody will save you, not even the correctional officers. I promise, they will help set you up! There is nobody that will care to listen to you once you get there! Will that be justice? Will that help you sleep better? I won't even mention the other person, because I'm more than likely have been her. If you want to hear the voice of the "victims" that's a different story. One you may not ever want to hear.

Hopefully something I said have helped you. I don't proof read, it is what it is. Just remember, nobody is perfect and neither am I. I've said sorry 1000 times and that's all I can do. I sleep fine at night. I've asked for forgiveness and have moved on. I wish you the best, I truly do. I know how it feels to want to do right but you're still wrong. The system is crazy isn't it?

 

[AnotherSadDay]

I don't know what you have done, but it seems that you think the only ways to find peace is to confess to authorities.
That depends entirely of you, but I just want to tell you that depending of the thing you did, prison can be something worst that hell. Prisons in most countries aren't made to make you regret and became a better person, they are a place of torture.

Nobody is perfect, so I will just tell you to think deeply what you want to do and see if you can achieve peace sometime

 

[conflagration]

I'm not Buddhist but a bit interested in it since a few weeks, just discovering in fact. When I read you, it's the first time I see that for Buddhists people, it's possible to "purify the karma through practice". I thought that for Buddhists, bad karma was for example impossible to purify and comes in return tk you in a next life through reincarnation. It seems I was wrong, then could you give me precisions about what you mean when you say "purify the karma through practice" ? And is pratice enough to erase bad karma for example (purifying the whole karma) ? I know that there is not one but many Buddhisms in fact. Is it the same (about purifying karma or erase bad karma, through pratice) in all the Buddhisms (Tibetan one, etc.) ? Thank you.

Your evil actions change your mind. For example, when you lie, you must believe your lies to be convincing. When you lie long enough, you start to live in an alternate reality created by your lies. You can purify your bad karma by observing your mind to see what lying does to you and then changing your behavior accordingly. Some evil deeds will have consequences anyway, but at least practice will allow you to handle those consequences more skillfully. You can purify your entire karma: Buddha did it, but this is a long and arduous process. Different schools use different practices, but the goal is similar: having more insight into how your mind works.

 

[maniac116]

I have done some bad things in the past. It made me feel bad about myself so I stopped!
People aren't good or bad in my opinion.
We just "are".
Desperate people do desperate thing. Decent people do bad things.
I try to be forgiving & not do things that make me feel bad about myself.

 

[needthebus]

that's true. my partner used to be into forensics, and he's told me that someone not having broken any laws is a phenomenon so rare that it's considered a significant topic of study/statistical anomaly, lol. i think i'm thinking more of like, major, life-altering things- something that really damaged you, someone else, or both.

since you say partner, i am guessing you are gay

i've already told the majority of people in my life. it's kind of a complicated situation, because i can no longer contact the person who i believe i committed the crime against. i've confronted this person directly about it before they requested no contact, but they've given me some mixed/unclear answers about their thoughts on it. the nature of their answers has led me to personally believe that i did commit that crime, but the person is too afraid to talk about it.

the people in my life who know all seem to unanimously believe that i did not/"could never do something like that". i've seen lots of therapists who also have had mixed opinions on it. i've been encouraged not to report it, either, but i'm planning on at least trying to confess to law enforcement soon, because i feel like i'm being enabled and i'm sick of it. i do want to change, and i feel like i can't change unless the situation is formally dealt with legally, because a lot of the resources for dealing with this kind of situation are hard to obtain without going through that route, from what i understand.

okay, i don't get what it could be and wonder if this post is even real. you're not allowed to contact the person who you committed a crime against, but were never charged or arrested? that doesn't seem believable to me. were there credible accusations that resulted in some sort of judicial order or are you LARPing? Because if there's an order, usually there's some sort of complaint. Or are you saying you can't contact them because they directly told you not to contact them?

Another thing you are saying, that getting resources is hard without being arrested, makes no sense. Do you mean resources for the victim or for you? The victim could get resources if you paid them. You should offer them a settlement if you really did something wrong to help improve their life. Do you mean resources for your problem? Again, this makes no sense. If you are a sex offender, there are Sex Addicts anonymous meetings.

If you really want to make restitution, you could hire a lawyer to offer them a direct payment to settle any complaints they have without admitting to wrongdoing. That way, you pay them and give them some improvement in life. But actually, they may not want it if they want nothing to do with you. Was it rape? Or did you rape a kid?

If you really want to give the kid who you raped control, write out a signed confession, go get it notarized by a notary, and then have a lawyer deliver it to the person, who I presume is now and adult. Also offer a monetary settlement for what you did and make the settlement not contingent on what they do with the notarized confession. This way they have a choice about what to do. They may not want to get asked a bunch of shit by police or snitch or be drawn into a bunch of distracting bullshit, or they may be more interested in filing a report if they have notarized proof. In other words, they may have moved on with their life and want neither the money nor the hassle of being asked questions by police about what happened.

Something in the middle, that would keep you from getting hurt, is to offer money without admitting to wrongdoing through a lawyer and not do a notarized confession and make a non-disclosure agreement part of the deal.

The exception to this is if you raped a kid, think you could do it again, and wanted to be labeled a sex offender to prevent re-offending. It seems like chemical castration and Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings would accomplish the same thing.

Seems like an awful situation, but you also make it sound like it's something other people think you didn't do. Without more information, it's hard to know if you are even being serious and if this is real.

 

[Namelesa]

I have physically hurt and hit my parents and have threatened to kill them but don't regret it at all cus they deserve it for creating and trapping me home and preventing my suicide attempts.

I have done some other things I feel very guilty about and hate myself deeply for and are a part of why I want to kill myself but they were all not major crimes and if it effected someone they did forgive me.

Some minor crimes I have done tho are when I was in hospital once, one of the other patients gave me weed and I ate it then and there and pirating games.

 

[inthebay]

what did u do?

i believe i raped my ex. warning for more detail below.

the person initially said yes to sex, but after we finished having sex, they said they felt pressured to have sex with me because they felt like i'd be disappointed if they didn't. because of this, i told this person that i felt i'd raped them. i encouraged them to press charges, and told them i'd help them with the process if they wanted me to, etc. they told me that they didn't feel like i raped them, and told me that they felt like i was overthinking the situation. i've been sexually assaulted in the past, and they told me that they felt like i was projecting the trauma from my situation onto the present.

i was really struggling to stop worrying about it even after they'd requested i drop it, so i talked about it a lot with my therapist at the time. my therapist ended up telling me that i would just have to take them at their word when they said they didn't feel like i raped them. we broke up shortly after this (at my request), because i didn't feel comfortable continuing to date them if they felt pressured to have sex with me. we had also just become very unkind to each other and were, imo, largely incompatible. it was a really messy breakup.

we continued trying to be friends (at their request) for about a year. i tried to avoid talking about dating because i knew it would upset them, because they still wanted to date me. when they'd found out that i went on a date six months after we broke up, they told me i was moving on "too soon" and started telling me i was a horrible person and a hypocrite for breaking up with them, and started wanting to talk to me less and less. i get why they wouldn't want to talk to me. i think it's hard to see someone you loved dating other people.

our friendship was basically dead at this point and we were gearing up to end it, and we ended up getting into a fight. after we fought, my ex sent a message to the new person i was dating and told them i was abusive, and encouraged them to break up with me. my ex said that they'd told our mutual friends i was abusive, too. when the new person showed me the messages, i felt really horrified, and i encouraged them to talk to my ex as much as they felt like they needed to and use that to decide whether or not they wanted to be with me. i'd acted shitty during the fight and i didn't want to lie about it. the new person decided to stay with me.

i couldn't really stop thinking about any of this though, at all. the fact that my behavior had apparently hurt someone so badly that they made public accusations was horrifying to me. i felt like it must have meant that i was such a dangerous person to be around that they had to warn other people. i started to worry again about the "rape situation" from a year ago, too- when they said abuse, did they mean that, too?

i went into more therapy shortly after with a new therapist and told them that i felt i was abusive due to the accusations, and i told them i was worried that i'd raped my ex, too. my new therapist and i reached out to my ex over email to get some clarity on the situation. my ex responded, and said that they didn't think i was abusive to them (i still don't understand this, did they not mean it when they had called me abusive before?). when my therapist asked about rape, though, my ex said that they "didn't think it would help either of us" for them to answer that question.

i feel like all i can really do is assume that the answer to that question is that i did rape them. otherwise, i have no idea what they could've meant by that. i've been diagnosed with ocd multiple times, and my ex was aware of this. i still don't know if they answered that question like that just to fuck with my ocd, or if it was because they were afraid of me. i assume it's because they were afraid of me, because assuming that it was a petty answer feels selfish. they always told me that i made everything about myself, so i don't want to make their answer about me, too. i don't know. all i know is that i'd rather falsely tell other people i raped them than i would falsely tell other people i didn't rape them.

i'm trying to do what i feel like i would have wanted when i was sexually assaulted, because the person who sa'ed me didn't really care, and neither did the people around me when i finally started talking about it to friends and family. i want to at least care about it even if no one else supposedly does.

I'll tell you this secret. I work with people who have been found guilty of all type of offenses, and I don't judge, I try to understand. I'm pretty sure I can guess what your alleged crime is. I promise, I won't even mention it.

I can't tell you what to do, only you can make peace with that decision. Time doesn't go backwards, we can only move forward. This is what I gathered and maybe I'm way off. It appears something has happened. You have attempted to apologize, and this person didn't accept your apology and wanted no parts of you anymore. Which is completely understandable, nobody has to accept our apologies, it's their right. Let me be clear, I'm not perfect by far, trust me. I've made several apologies that haven't been accepted and that's ok, I've done my part.

It seems your internal struggle has you restless. I think you believe if you're criminally prosecuted, then your slate will be clean, and you can then rest. Your family loves you and sees you for you and will never agree to what happened was possibly a crime.

So what do you do? This is the hardest part because either choice will have consequences. Which consequence are you able to sleep with is the real question? I'm going to share 2 true stories with you of 2 people I met that I can never forget. These stories are random and are at no way trying to figure out what happened. These stories have helped me when I view these type of offenders and understand them.

Offender #1: This male has a history of obvious crimes that he knew would get him thrown in jail
Ex: walking around a busy area in the day, nude. Urinating on the sidewalk while police are standing there watching, etc. Everytime this Offender ended up in jail he requested emergency medical help with complaints of a infected penis and always something shoved inside his penis. Sounds crazy right? It's sounds stupid until you have a discussion with him and then it makes sense. This Offender was a pedo and knew it was wrong. You can't help what arouses you, if it's illegal all you can do is try to not act on it. He purposely did these things so he couldn't get erect and perform on little boys, and used the police to save him by throwing him in jail. That's how this pedo saved potential victims. Now, does he sound crazy?

Offender #2: This Offender robbed several banks and wad very successful until someone blackmailed him for more money. He shared most of his money with family and friends, but they got greedy. His 1st bank robbery wasn't planned. He always carried a gun and walked past a bank and decided let me rob this and see how this goes. He walks in the bank and grabs a bank slip and writes "I have a gun, give me all your money!" He gets called by a new young bank teller who had this job maybe a week. She reads the note and freezes up, she can't move, she's terrified. She's so scared she doesn't even reach for the panic button that's right there. He shows her the gun by his side as to encourage her to hurry up. Nobody at the bank realizes they are currently being robbed. The gun works and she snaps out of it and empties her drawer and he walks off. She still didn't hit the arm, she's frozen. After her robs a few more banks and gets tipped off, he has trial. All of his victims come to testify. He will always remember her, she haunts him. Long story short, she ended getting disability, had PTSD and could barely finish her testimony during trial as she cries and breaks down on the stand, she needed several breaks. Bank robber goes to prison for Years and should be out by now. He said he wants to find her and apologize for destroying her life. He doesn't regret robbing the banks or none of his other victims but her testimony made him cry in court. Should he go find her and apologize? Will seeing him again re-traumatize her? We can't answer that for him.

Yes, my post is very long. I love to write. I wrote all of this to simply say, there is no right answer. If my thoughts regarding you alleged crime is correct, I'll be very honest with you, you will go through hell in prison. Nobody will save you, not even the correctional officers. I promise, they will help set you up! There is nobody that will care to listen to you once you get there! Will that be justice? Will that help you sleep better? I won't even mention the other person, because I'm more than likely have been her. If you want to hear the voice of the "victims" that's a different story. One you may not ever want to hear.

Hopefully something I said have helped you. I don't proof read, it is what it is. Just remember, nobody is perfect and neither am I. I've said sorry 1000 times and that's all I can do. I sleep fine at night. I've asked for forgiveness and have moved on. I wish you the best, I truly do. I know how it feels to want to do right but you're still wrong. The system is crazy isn't it?

i think my desire to be criminally prosecuted has more to do with confirming whether or not i actually committed the crime i think i committed, if that makes sense. if it doesn't, it might make more sense if you read my last post, where i went over the story. i know that i can't change the past, and i can't force my ex to accept my apology either.

from what i understand so far, access to a lot of the therapeutic resources directed towards my crime seem to be contingent on the client having a criminal record. i want to change and be better if i can, but i feel like i'm not sure how i can do that if i can't access the kind of therapy dedicated towards those situations. i appreciate you sharing your insight though and for how much you wrote.

I don't know what you have done, but it seems that you think the only ways to find peace is to confess to authorities.
That depends entirely of you, but I just want to tell you that depending of the thing you did, prison can be something worst that hell. Prisons in most countries aren't made to make you regret and became a better person, they are a place of torture.

Nobody is perfect, so I will just tell you to think deeply what you want to do and see if you can achieve peace sometime

part of me wants to be tortured, but i also know that would just be something to ease my conscience, and that it wouldn't actually fix what i did. part of the reason i want to ctb is because i think if i wasn't in the world, it would make it much easier for the other person. when i was sexually assaulted, i was constantly afraid of running into that person. i'm still afraid of running into them. sometimes i'll see people in the store who look like them, and my heart starts racing, i can't stop crying, and i have to leave. i feel like if i was dead, the person i hurt would never have to feel that worry- the worry of running into me somewhere, seeing me online somewhere, etc. and i would never be able to hurt another person, either.

 

[platypus77]

i believe i raped my ex. warning for more detail below.

the person initially said yes to sex, but after we finished having sex, they said they felt pressured to have sex with me because they felt like i'd be disappointed if they didn't. because of this, i told this person that i felt i'd raped them. i encouraged them to press charges, and told them i'd help them with the process if they wanted me to, etc. they told me that they didn't feel like i raped them, and told me that they felt like i was overthinking the situation. i've been sexually assaulted in the past, and they told me that they felt like i was projecting the trauma from my situation onto the present.

i was really struggling to stop worrying about it even after they'd requested i drop it, so i talked about it a lot with my therapist at the time. my therapist ended up telling me that i would just have to take them at their word when they said they didn't feel like i raped them. we broke up shortly after this (at my request), because i didn't feel comfortable continuing to date them if they felt pressured to have sex with me. we had also just become very unkind to each other and were, imo, largely incompatible. it was a really messy breakup.

we continued trying to be friends (at their request) for about a year. i tried to avoid talking about dating because i knew it would upset them, because they still wanted to date me. when they'd found out that i went on a date six months after we broke up, they told me i was moving on "too soon" and started telling me i was a horrible person and a hypocrite for breaking up with them, and started wanting to talk to me less and less. i get why they wouldn't want to talk to me. i think it's hard to see someone you loved dating other people.

our friendship was basically dead at this point and we were gearing up to end it, and we ended up getting into a fight. after we fought, my ex sent a message to the new person i was dating and told them i was abusive, and encouraged them to break up with me. my ex said that they'd told our mutual friends i was abusive, too. when the new person showed me the messages, i felt really horrified, and i encouraged them to talk to my ex as much as they felt like they needed to and use that to decide whether or not they wanted to be with me. i'd acted shitty during the fight and i didn't want to lie about it. the new person decided to stay with me.

i couldn't really stop thinking about any of this though, at all. the fact that my behavior had apparently hurt someone so badly that they made public accusations was horrifying to me. i felt like it must have meant that i was such a dangerous person to be around that they had to warn other people. i started to worry again about the "rape situation" from a year ago, too- when they said abuse, did they mean that, too?

i went into more therapy shortly after with a new therapist and told them that i felt i was abusive due to the accusations, and i told them i was worried that i'd raped my ex, too. my new therapist and i reached out to my ex over email to get some clarity on the situation. my ex responded, and said that they didn't think i was abusive to them. when my therapist asked about rape, though, my ex said that they "didn't think it would help either of us" for them to answer that question.

i feel like all i can really do is assume that the answer to that question is that i did rape them. otherwise, i have no idea what they could've meant by that. i've been diagnosed with ocd multiple times, and my ex was aware of this. i still don't know if they answered that question like that just to fuck with my ocd, or if it was because they were afraid of me. i assume it's because they were afraid of me, because assuming that it was a petty answer feels selfish. they always told me that i made everything about myself, so i don't want to make their answer about me, too. i don't know. all i know is that i'd rather falsely tell other people i raped them than i would falsely tell other people i didn't rape them.

i'm trying to do what i feel like i would have wanted when i was sexually assaulted, because the person who sa'ed me didn't really care, and neither did the people around me when i finally started talking about it to friends and family. i want to at least care about it even if no one else supposedly does.

I have some controversial thoughts about it.

I can't really say there's a way to make amends for this situation, specially without more context, even so probably not.

But let me try to explain my thoughts, as I experienced a similar situation. I'm not talking about ethics, law an such. As a man I know, deep down we're but animals, but of course that's no excuse to act without thinking and engage in anti-social behaviors.

If the crime is real, you should be a man an face the consequences, and perhaps jail time if that's the path things will follow. Doesn't look like it's the case here.

You need to be honest with yourself, the person which committed this crime is the same person you are today? What it appears to be is that you acquired a new level of consciousness through that experience and you're looking for ways to make amends for it.

CTB if that's your only reason and there are no other consequences in life other than shame, isn't gonna make anyone feel better.

You look like you're extremely self conscious now, and that could be the start of something. The world is not going to be a better place without you, in fact, the world would still be the same shit as it is today.

Want to feel better? Sincerely apologize, provide support if possible, work on the the evil inside you, and move on. But here's the trick, just moving on isn't enough.

You must learn from your mistakes, and do things to make the world better. Start by being a better person, help others, teach the lessons you've learned from your mistakes to other people.

Make amends by being a better human, and by consequence you had made the world a little better.

When it's enough? Probably never, but you do have the option to help fix at least a little bit of the shit we do here on a daily basis.

Now that was my rational self, on the flip side if it was something serious against someone I love. In that case I would probably tracked you down, broken you legs or worse. There's that too.

 

[inthebay]

since you say partner, i am guessing you are gay



okay, i don't get what it could be and wonder if this post is even real. you're not allowed to contact the person who you committed a crime against, but were never charged or arrested? that doesn't seem believable to me. were there credible accusations that resulted in some sort of judicial order or are you LARPing? Because if there's an order, usually there's some sort of complaint. Or are you saying you can't contact them because they directly told you not to contact them?

Another thing you are saying, that getting resources is hard without being arrested, makes no sense. Do you mean resources for the victim or for you? The victim could get resources if you paid them. You should offer them a settlement if you really did something wrong to help improve their life. Do you mean resources for your problem? Again, this makes no sense. If you are a sex offender, there are Sex Addicts anonymous meetings.

If you really want to make restitution, you could hire a lawyer to offer them a direct payment to settle any complaints they have without admitting to wrongdoing. That way, you pay them and give them some improvement in life. But actually, they may not want it if they want nothing to do with you. Was it rape? Or did you rape a kid?

If you really want to give the kid who you raped control, write out a signed confession, go get it notarized by a notary, and then have a lawyer deliver it to the person, who I presume is now and adult. Also offer a monetary settlement for what you did and make the settlement not contingent on what they do with the notarized confession. This way they have a choice about what to do. They may not want to get asked a bunch of shit by police or snitch or be drawn into a bunch of distracting bullshit, or they may be more interested in filing a report if they have notarized proof. In other words, they may have moved on with their life and want neither the money nor the hassle of being asked questions by police about what happened.

Something in the middle, that would keep you from getting hurt, is to offer money without admitting to wrongdoing through a lawyer and not do a notarized confession and make a non-disclosure agreement part of the deal.

The exception to this is if you raped a kid, think you could do it again, and wanted to be labeled a sex offender to prevent re-offending. It seems like chemical castration and Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings would accomplish the same thing.

Seems like an awful situation, but you also make it sound like it's something other people think you didn't do. Without more information, it's hard to know if you are even being serious and if this is real.

i'm gay, but i used to be bisexual and i've dated women in the past. the person who i believe i raped was another man, and both of us were adults when i did this. i don't have any pedophilic behaviors or attractions or whatever, and i've never hurt a kid. i don't envy pedophiles, though. it sounds like a really difficult thing to deal with. my partner knows about everything that happened and we talk about it pretty regularly.

there was never any charges pressed or any complaint made, i just personally consider what i did to be a crime. i can't contact this person because he told me directly not to contact him, and i don't want to go to the length of stalking him or something. it's also been years, and we've also both changed contact info multiple times, so i don't really know how i would contact him even if i decided to (without, again, raising it to stalker behavior).

i informally offered a settlement/help with legal proceedings with the money i had at the time, but he refused it. when i talk about resources, i'm talking about sex offender therapy programs. from what i understand, a lot of those programs will refuse to take you if you don't have some kind of conviction. i don't know if i'm wrong though.

i've thought about going to SLAA, but i don't really see how it would help in my situation. i don't really watch porn, and i've actually been pretty afraid of having sex since i did this, so i wouldn't consider sex to be something i engage in compulsively. since what happened, it's very difficult for me not to feel like i'm talking advantage of someone even if i'm having sex with an entirely new person, everything is firmly consensual, etc. i've read a lot since then about how to have safer sex and how to have healthier behaviors in general, but i never feel like it's enough.

hiring a lawyer to make a direct settlement actually sounds like a really good idea. i still don't have the money to do this, but i want to eventually. i've tried to go to the police directly to confess verbally, but i've been told by therapists and family that it "doesn't work that way". i had no idea that writing a confession and having it notarized was something you could do. i'm still relatively young and i haven't really been involved in the legal system much otherwise, and it's hard to find this kind of info online without actually talking to a lawyer, so i appreciate you offering solutions.

another part of the reason i've wanted to take the legal route with all of this is because i've wanted to be chemically castrated since i've heard about it. even if i didn't think i would rape again, i never want to risk it. i had no idea i was capable of something like that before i did it. of course, i know that everyone is capable of evil things, but i guess what i mean to say is i felt like i would have never intentionally hurt someone. i now know that you can definitely hurt someone deeply regardless of intention, though.

i am being serious about all of this. i've been in intensive therapy for about a year at this point, talking about all of it. i've confessed to every therapist i've seen. part of the issue with all of this is my ocd diagnosis. some therapists i've seen have said that they didn't feel i committed rape, and other therapists have said that they don't want to give a conclusive answer to whether or not they believe i raped my ex because they believe this is an obsession for me and don't want to feed my ocd. i feel frustrated because i feel like there's more here than just ocd. i feel like i really did rape him, even if i also have ocd alongside that, but i've been being heavily encouraged to go through treatment before getting into any kind of legal proceedings.

I have physically hurt and hit my parents and have threatened to kill them but don't regret it at all cus they deserve it for creating and trapping me home and preventing my suicide attempts.

I have done some other things I feel very guilty about and hate myself deeply for and are a part of why I want to kill myself but they were all not major crimes and if it effected someone they did forgive me.

Some minor crimes I have done tho are when I was in hospital once, one of the other patients gave me weed and I ate it then and there and pirating games.

i've also had pretty aggressive behavior, most of it also being from when i was in the psych ward, and aggressive behavior directed towards my parents on occasion. i kind of understand why you would act that way, even if it was hurtful/wrong. i understand that in order to get to that point, you have to feel completely helpless. i'm sorry you've been suffering.

was the edible at least good? did staff figure out you were high? lol. i'd feel kind of hesitant to take anything anyone gave me in the hospital.

I have some controversial thoughts about it.

I can't really say there's a way to make amends for this situation, specially without more context, even so probably not.

But let me try to explain my thoughts, as I experienced a similar situation. I'm not talking about ethics, law an such. As a man I know, deep down we're but animals, but of course that's no excuse to act without thinking and engage in anti-social behaviors.

If the crime is real, you should be a man an face the consequences, and perhaps jail time if that's the path things will follow. Doesn't look like it's the case here.

You need to be honest with yourself, the person which committed this crime is the same person you are today? What it appears to be is that you acquired a new level of consciousness through that experience and you're looking for ways to make amends for it.

CTB if that's your only reason and there are no other consequences in life other than shame, isn't gonna make anyone feel better.

You look like you're extremely self conscious now, and that could be the start of something. The world is not going to be a better place without you, in fact, the world would still be the same shit as it is today.

Want to feel better? Sincerely apologize, provide support if possible, work on the the evil inside you, and move on. But here's the trick, just moving on isn't enough.

You must learn from your mistakes, and do things to make the world better. Start by being a better person, help others, teach the lessons you've learned from your mistakes to other people.

Make amends by being a better human, and by consequence you had made the world a little better.

When it's enough? Probably never, but you do have the option to help fix at least a little bit of the shit we do here on a daily basis.

Now that was my rational self, on the flip side if it was something serious against someone I love. In that case I would probably tracked you down, broken you legs or worse. There's that too.

i've been trying to face the consequences for it. i've done pretty much everything i'm capable of doing right now. i don't have any real resources of my own financially, but i'm trying to get another job atm so that i can have the resources to keep pursuing legal recourse.

i don't really feel like it matters whether or not i think i've changed, or whether i say i've changed, until i can legitimately prove i've changed as a person. even then, i'll never be able to undo the things i've already done.

the people around me have done a lot to keep me out of suicide. i simultaneously appreciate and resent that. i feel very conflicted, because i don't want to hurt the people i have left who do care about me. i know that would also traumatize them, especially if they found my body. at the same time, i don't want to hurt the person i hurt by continuing to exist. i know that they would probably feel a lot safer if i died. that, and i obviously can't live with the guilt, but i feel like that comes last.

i've already made multiple attempts at making amends with/helping this person, changing by learning how to do better, etc. i think he just doesn't really want anything to do with me. i'm not really sure where to go at this point other than escalating things to a legal level.

honestly, i wouldn't even be mad if you did something like that, had you been in that situation. if he wants revenge, i feel like he'll definitely take it. i feel like the only reason he or his friends haven't hurt me already is a combo of physical distance and them not wanting to go to prison.

 

[seekingnothingness]

You sound just like Raskolnikov.

 

[inthebay]

You sounds just like Raskolnikov.

lol, maybe it's time i finally read crime and punishment.

 

[platypus77]

i don't really feel like it matters whether or not i think i've changed, or whether i say i've changed, until i can legitimately prove i've changed as a person. even then, i'll never be able to undo the things i've already done.

Change is something that can only be proven with a long track actions, the point is, this person might never forgive you and the best you can do is to apologize once and never show up ever again.

i've already made multiple attempts at making amends with/helping this person, changing by learning how to do better, etc. i think he just doesn't really want anything to do with me. i'm not really sure where to go at this point other than escalating things to a legal level.

I wasn't talking about "the" person, in fact, insisting after you already apologized can be harmful for you both. You can make amends by doing good deeds to other people and never repeating the same mistake again.

 

[Custos]

i'm gay, but i used to be bisexual and i've dated women in the past. the person who i believe i raped was another man, and both of us were adults when i did this. i don't have any pedophilic behaviors or attractions or whatever, and i've never hurt a kid. i don't envy pedophiles, though. it sounds like a really difficult thing to deal with. my partner knows about everything that happened and we talk about it pretty regularly.

there was never any charges pressed or any complaint made, i just personally consider what i did to be a crime. i can't contact this person because he told me directly not to contact him, and i don't want to go to the length of stalking him or something. it's also been years, and we've also both changed contact info multiple times, so i don't really know how i would contact him even if i decided to (without, again, raising it to stalker behavior).

i informally offered a settlement/help with legal proceedings with the money i had at the time, but he refused it. when i talk about resources, i'm talking about sex offender therapy programs. from what i understand, a lot of those programs will refuse to take you if you don't have some kind of conviction. i don't know if i'm wrong though.

i've thought about going to SLAA, but i don't really see how it would help in my situation. i don't really watch porn, and i've actually been pretty afraid of having sex since i did this, so i wouldn't consider sex to be something i engage in compulsively. since what happened, it's very difficult for me not to feel like i'm talking advantage of someone even if i'm having sex with an entirely new person, everything is firmly consensual, etc. i've read a lot since then about how to have safer sex and how to have healthier behaviors in general, but i never feel like it's enough.

hiring a lawyer to make a direct settlement actually sounds like a really good idea. i still don't have the money to do this, but i want to eventually. i've tried to go to the police directly to confess verbally, but i've been told by therapists and family that it "doesn't work that way". i had no idea that writing a confession and having it notarized was something you could do. i'm still relatively young and i haven't really been involved in the legal system much otherwise, and it's hard to find this kind of info online without actually talking to a lawyer, so i appreciate you offering solutions.

another part of the reason i've wanted to take the legal route with all of this is because i've wanted to be chemically castrated since i've heard about it. even if i didn't think i would rape again, i never want to risk it. i had no idea i was capable of something like that before i did it. of course, i know that everyone is capable of evil things, but i guess what i mean to say is i felt like i would have never intentionally hurt someone. i now know that you can definitely hurt someone deeply regardless of intention, though.

i am being serious about all of this. i've been in intensive therapy for about a year at this point, talking about all of it. i've confessed to every therapist i've seen. part of the issue with all of this is my ocd diagnosis. some therapists i've seen have said that they didn't feel i committed rape, and other therapists have said that they don't want to give a conclusive answer to whether or not they believe i raped my ex because they believe this is an obsession for me and don't want to feed my ocd. i feel frustrated because i feel like there's more here than just ocd. i feel like i really did rape him, even if i also have ocd alongside that, but i've been being heavily encouraged to go through treatment before getting into any kind of legal proceedings.

i've also had pretty aggressive behavior, most of it also being from when i was in the psych ward, and aggressive behavior directed towards my parents on occasion. i kind of understand why you would act that way, even if it was hurtful/wrong. i understand that in order to get to that point, you have to feel completely helpless. i'm sorry you've been suffering.

was the edible at least good? did staff figure out you were high? lol. i'd feel kind of hesitant to take anything anyone gave me in the hospital.

i've been trying to face the consequences for it. i've done pretty much everything i'm capable of doing right now. i don't have any real resources of my own financially, but i'm trying to get another job atm so that i can have the resources to keep pursuing legal recourse.

i don't really feel like it matters whether or not i think i've changed, or whether i say i've changed, until i can legitimately prove i've changed as a person. even then, i'll never be able to undo the things i've already done.

the people around me have done a lot to keep me out of suicide. i simultaneously appreciate and resent that. i feel very conflicted, because i don't want to hurt the people i have left who do care about me. i know that would also traumatize them, especially if they found my body. at the same time, i don't want to hurt the person i hurt by continuing to exist. i know that they would probably feel a lot safer if i died. that, and i obviously can't live with the guilt, but i feel like that comes last.

i've already made multiple attempts at making amends with/helping this person, changing by learning how to do better, etc. i think he just doesn't really want anything to do with me. i'm not really sure where to go at this point other than escalating things to a legal level.

honestly, i wouldn't even be mad if you did something like that, had you been in that situation. if he wants revenge, i feel like he'll definitely take it. i feel like the only reason he or his friends haven't hurt me already is a combo of physical distance and them not wanting to go to prison.

I have serve ocd and from what I've read, you've done nothing wrong. You did not rape them, you are not a bad person. The comments about abuse was because they were angry.

Believe me when I tell you that it's an obsession, you've done nothing wrong. What you need to do is realize this, realize when certain thoughts enter your head are ocd, realize that "confessing" is a compilation. You need to deal with the fact you you COULD have committed rape, after all it's still possible, but in almost 100% certainly didn't. But that's the thing, when I engage in obsessions of the "what if", then this is rational but taken to an irrational extent. You, and I, need to learn to live with that one in a billion chance.

I know myself that it's easier said than done. But let's look at the facts. It was consensual before, they said it was consensual after, they in no way thought it was rape, they wanted to be with you and got angry, all therapists are in agreement that it was not rape and some don't want to answer because they know you know it's an obsession and they want to help you with that, when your ex said they didn't want to answer that question because it was for the best of both of you it is because they don't want to engage in your obsession (and and probably really tired of answering that question).

You don't need to castrate yourself, you have not committed a crime, you are not a burden to the world and CTBing will not help anyone.

Again I would like to reiterate that I have serve ocd, am on a phych ward atm.

Another thing, have you ever thought about posting this on an ocd forum? No offense to anyone else here, but this is ocd and most people don't understand.

Tl;dr You've done nothing wrong and the solution is to stop engaging with the obsession and not engaging with the compulsions.

 

[cme-dme]

Nice try, FBI. In all seriousness though I have. Mostly stupid things like once a couple years ago I went on a joyride on the soccer field of my school at night with my car, doing drifts and running stuff over. I have no idea what was going through my head that night but I had to pay for the damages-

 

[needthebus]

lol, maybe it's time i finally read crime and punishment.

holy shit, i had to edit this because my reading comprehension is bad

that is NOT rape

fucking someone and someone saying "i felt pressure to have sex because i was too wimpy to speak up" is actually really fucked up emotional manipulation

especially if they were in a relationship with you


as someone who was actually the victim of sexual violence, this really pisses me off

there was more than one thing that happened to me, and one thing was very violent and injured me a lot


another thing that happened was just typical date rape stuff, but i said no, asked to leave, tried to push the person off with both hands, tried to reason with the person, said no many times in many ways, clearly indicated i wanted to go, and was held down and the person was heavier than me

honestly shit like this, shit like "it felt like you raped me because i felt pressure and was too afraid to not have sex with you" is bullshit

i don't even know if this shit is real because honestly, that's so clearly not rape that if you think that's rape, you have other problems.

also, you need a new therapist. that is CLEARLY not rape. if the person isn't saying no, if the person has sex because they internally feel pressure and squeamish but said yes, people are not mind-readers, that is not your fault, it is not rape technically, or morally, or in any way.

your therapist sucks, seriously get a new one

the only reason it would be okay for you're therapist to not say "clearly it's not rape" is that if EVERYONE ALREADY TOLD YOU THIS and you are being irrational and thinking it's rape

and your real problem is that this person was a fucking emotionally manipulative asshole, you need to not feel bad about not reading people's minds and being perfect, and for someone to say something like that to you is evil and irresponsible.

if this person went around saying you were abusive and raped you, and you didn't rape them, then it's slander and you should contact a lawyer to see if there are options to sue them. If they sent text messages saying that, it's libel if you didn't do it. It sounds like this person was awful and messed with your head and was a shitty person. Why are you letting them fuck with your head like this and say awful things?

honestly, it's so fucking irrational, it's like early stages of schizophrenia irrational. if you're a drug user, stop using drugs. if you're a drinker, stop. start jogging every single day. something bad is going on in your brain if you can't clearly realize that is not rape and jogging and abstaining from drugs and alcohol and possibly taking anti-psychotics could help you see more clearly, but try jogging and abstaining from drugs and alcohol. it's not OCD, it's being irrational, like saying a television could possibly be a potato if you look at it the wrong way.

honestly, i am not sure if you are a real person, this seems like a "Reddit" Am I The Asshole (AITA) post that's been written by an AI with a premise that's so stupid that it's going to clearly get an emotional and angry reaction so that later there's a post history and the person can shill weblinks for profit. Shit like "I was at a Bacchelorette Party and accidentally had sex with the male stripper. It's after the honeymoon and now I'm pregnant. Am I the asshole if I just pretend everything is fine?"

Actually, I no longer believe you. You're an AI post, pure and simple. No one is this stupid to think bullshit like that is rape. I don't know what you're planning on selling later, but I'm not interested. Or perhaps you are actually the FBI. Who the fuck knows. But no one would actually believe that's rape, so I'm thinking the poster is not who he says.

Nice try, FBI. In all seriousness though I have. Mostly stupid things like once a couple years ago I went on a joyride on the soccer field of my school at night with my car, doing drifts and running stuff over. I have no idea what was going through my head that night but I had to pay for the damages-

Like honestly, I think you may actually be correct now.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

The first crime I ever committed was stealing a balloon from this party store back when I was around 4 years old. It's only been downhill ever since.

 

[needthebus]

The first crime I ever committed was stealing a balloon from this party store back when I was around 4 years old. It's only been downhill ever since.

quick fbi, after 'em!!!

Another thing, have you ever thought about posting this on an ocd forum? No offense to anyone else here, but this is ocd and most people don't understand.

This! If this is OCD, then I don't understand it and posting it on an ocd forum could be helpful, this person is probably right

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

I have done some petty and small crimes, perhaps the worst being DUI.

 

[Namelesa]

i've also had pretty aggressive behavior, most of it also being from when i was in the psych ward, and aggressive behavior directed towards my parents on occasion. i kind of understand why you would act that way, even if it was hurtful/wrong. i understand that in order to get to that point, you have to feel completely helpless. i'm sorry you've been suffering.

was the edible at least good? did staff figure out you were high? lol. i'd feel kind of hesitant to take anything anyone gave me in the hospital.

I don't think at all what I did to my parents was wrong cus I think procreation is wrong and them trapping me and preventing my suicide attempts is awful so they literally caused me to suffer in the first place and worsened it so they deserve to be hurt back. I also have this same perspective on myself so if I think I have done something wrong unjustifiably, I punish myself with self harm, self isolation and other things to hurt myself.

Its was just pure weed and it was only a tiny bit so I didn't actually feel anything from it so staff didn't figure out anything. I just accepted eating the weed from her as I got really attached to her as we were both there for being suicidal and we talked, hugged, joked around and comforted each other throughout our whole time there so I just stupidly trusted her.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

absolutely. never anything violent unless it was to myself. not detailing for logical reasons but it's literally amazing i've never been arrested in any of the places i've lived. where I live now, you gotta be on some level 100 crazy shit for them to nab you. we don't even have a narcotics department — we have the crime stopper line!

but seriously. OP, I feel you. you're not alone. when I was deep in my fent addiction I did things I never thought I would. it's tough to face that. I don't see ctb as a crime, but I ride heavy for the Right To Die movement irl so i'm biased.

 

[Can’tbearanything]

i haven't really done anything ilegal but i got caught sleeping in my car drunk and have been dealing with the dwui i got from it and i very high chance of getting my probation revoked for the second time which means jail because i did not do the classes i need to do in time so id rather ctb before then

wishing you the best