Resource Hey narcissist: why you destroy your beautiful relationships

[SexyIncél]

I may end up dying in a week. Because I'm likely a narcissist and need to escape its pain. As I told an ex when we met to say goodbye: "Right now I feel trapped behind my eyes, I can't stop myself from this crazy logic!"

But if you're like me, hopefully it's not too late for you to cure yourself.

I have a pattern where my relationships start perfect. Then I destroy them, acting emotionally cruelly. Then we break up and my ex becomes cruel in turn. Unable to actually let them go (even if I did the breakup), I suffer extreme torment that once drove me to homelessness.

Furthermore, I'm a shell of a person, more concerned with perceptions of me, than actually accomplishing things out of simple joy.

All that said, I am now treating people well. I speak with ex's and listen carefully and approvingly. Now that I understand the mechanisms, I'm able to disable them.

Anyway, that ex of mine said I should talk with this guy named Vaknin, who claims to have a cure. I watched his videos and discovered he described my relationships and inner reality disturbingly well:

• His youtube channel
• His (admittedly messy) website where you can get counseling from him, and his "Cold Therapy" where he re-traumatizes you. I haven't tried it, and don't know if it works.

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You can skip the rest of this. I'm now indulging in a depressed rant, bemoaning my fate.

It sucks we're mostly unconscious, on autopilot. And my conscious mind was often horrified, that I narcissistically wanted to use people rather than love them! The guilt crushed me; I'd spend endless hours imagining how I could've been a wonderful lover.

Now, I can't judge myself too harshly. I know it has to do with ridiculously massive childhood abuse and deprivation. If we factor that in, I think I'm actually a pretty damn good human being. I'm not defined by narcissism; there's other facets to me, many of which are decent and caring.

Nevertheless, here I am, an assassin specialized on myself. Like most of us here, studying techniques not to goof up and suffer a gruesome fate between life and death.

Hopefully you can cure yourself before it gets this bad.

 

[SexyIncél]

(Some edits: linked to his youtube channel, which has many short videos. Before, I linked to longer things which no one will watch :)

 

[kaput-and-done]

Thank you for saying this. I don't see much about others feeling similar. I hope your pain can go away eventually.

I'm gradually discovering that I'm a narcissist that will make decisions that, no wait, that will manipulate even the closest and most precious to me, just so that I can meet my wants. I feel like a psychopath for not feeling guilty at the time about making such manipulations.

For me, I would lie, deceive openly, obfuscate, break relationship trust of many many years. I would do this over and over.

Why is it only when the truth comes out about my actions and the hurt that it THEN inflicts, does it destroy me?

Its too late by this time to change and fix what I've done - the damage has already set in.

And then (again), I'm concerned about MY feelings and the perceptions of others.

I cause more pain, and the supposed "joy" that I cause becomes meaningless because it rests on these manipulations.

I want to C.T.B.