Story Hi everybody.

[Unicron]

Hi everybody, I'm brand new here and I've joined because I've had enough.

Not to bore you with all the details, but I'm autistic and a long-term agoraphobe.

I sit on my own all day and can't communicate with anybody, either through will or ability.

I've wanted to go for the last twenty years but I've always hung around in the vain hope things will get better, but now I've accepted they won't.

I finally made my first attempt earlier this year and lament my failure every day.

I'd studied well, I knew all the methods but when it came to it, it was completely off the cuff and I OD'd on the first thing that came to hand - Tramadol.

It wasn't ideal but even so, I should have gone - I took over 40g [700+ tablets] - enough to kill me three times over but I was found the next morning and saved.

I woke up in hospital with a punctured lung from the paramedics and completely unable to coordinate myself. The doctors thought I would be brain damaged but I made a complete recovery - physically at least.

Now I'm just lamenting my failure and scared to do it again because of how much I'll upset my parents, but I really can't go on like this.

I hope I can find some peace soon, however it comes.
​

 

[FuneralCry]

Things are also hopeless for me, I have had enough of being alive. I can imagine it must be frustrating to have to go through that failed attempt, we all deserve the option of a reliable peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. I hope you find the peace you are looking for and freedom from suffering.

 

[Unicron]

Thanks for your support @FuneralCry, it means a great deal to me.

Unfortunately I'm already I'm being monitored heavily and can't get away, although they now how much I want to be left alone, but the ball if always in their court at the moment and threes nothing I can do to about it.

I just have to accept waiting for time to pass. They surely can't keep it up forever.

In the meantime I just have to muddle though.

Your support is appreciated greatly.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I've wanted to go for the last twenty years but I've always hung around in the vain hope things will get better, but now I've accepted they won't.

I've bitterly hung around for the past 10 years thinking the same thing. But things only have gotten worse. I know deep down nothing will get better but it is still hard to accept. I think this might be the last step I need to clear before I can overcome SI for good.

I hope you can find peace soon. I hope I can join you as well. This life has been cruel to all of us.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Autism gang!

 

[fox_wannabe]

Autism gang!

SKRR RAAAAAA

 

[Amaree]

Hi everybody, I'm brand new here and I've joined because I've had enough.

Not to bore you with all the details, but I'm autistic and a long-term agoraphobe.

I sit on my own all day and can't communicate with anybody, either through will or ability.

I've wanted to go for the last twenty years but I've always hung around in the vain hope things will get better, but now I've accepted they won't.

I finally made my first attempt earlier this year and lament my failure every day.

I'd studied well, I knew all the methods but when it came to it, it was completely off the cuff and I OD'd on the first thing that came to hand - Tramadol.

It wasn't ideal but even so, I should have gone - I took over 40g [700+ tablets] - enough to kill me three times over but I was found the next morning and saved.

I woke up in hospital with a punctured lung from the paramedics and completely unable to coordinate myself. The doctors thought I would be brain damaged but I made a complete recovery - physically at least.

Now I'm just lamenting my failure and scared to do it again because of how much I'll upset my parents, but I really can't go on like this.

I hope I can find some peace soon, however it comes.
​

That really sucks. i know how you feel ive had 2 failed attempts at different methods , one that also left me in the hospital but i was lucky and got out quick. But its left me ultra paranoid about attempting again since i want to be sure i wont fail again.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

That really sucks. i know how you feel ive had 2 failed attempts at different methods , one that also left me in the hospital but i was lucky and got out quick. But its left me ultra paranoid about attempting again since i want to be sure i wont fail again.

People who got it right the first time and did it when they first started having suicidal thoughts hit the jackpot. The agony of failed attempts with each passing year starts to seed doubts in your mind. You need a strong mind to ctb. If you keep failing attempts you might never be able to overcome it. This realization is so frightening.

 

[Unicron]

Thanks everybody, it's good to meet some like-minded and understanding people. I feel like I'm in purgatory at the moment.

I'm currently stuck between my eating disorder team trying to prolong my life by making me eat more and my eating disorder trying to make me eat less so I die sooner. It's a horrible choice. Non-compliance will inevitably mean me being sectioned again before too long - unless I die first.

TBH, I've always hoped that would happen, but my body seems stupidly resilient.

The 'rational' part of my brain now thinks I should 'pig out for a month' and then 'SN' but my eating disorder part still won't let me do it, and still thinks I fail, just making things worse.

I don't know where to turn, I'm in utter turmoil.

All I know is that I'm making my family unhappy too and that makes me sad. I wish at least they had peace.