Help How do I tell if I have DID?

[Cauliflour]

I've thought about this every now and then after someone on here called the woman in my head a "personality". When I look online, it says that the other personalities essentially take all control and you don't remember anything but in my case I've had this woman in my head since I was I think 10 or 11 I'm not sure. She would come and talk through me to myself whenever I was facing stress and I know exactly what she is, she's some kind of personification of my autistic frustration. For years she was this vague other voice that would linger on stand by and scream at me through my vocal chords to calm me down and get me together if I was getting stressed or angry. In fact the first time I ever swore was technically her telling me to shut up after I got frustrated on something. I get frustrated easily, I think it's genetic. I noticed when writing diary entries if I was venting and rambling about something personal, my writing would naturally start going to the second person and would be giving commands and insults.

Then 194 days ago I tried to kill myself via strangulation and she hasn't been back since. Whenever I get really stressed now I either try to talk like her but still retain that 1st person perspective (it's clearer in my diary entries) or I just start self harming just without her talking. It was around this time I was certain she was some kind of other entity formed by my brain cause I would have arguments with her (she would talk and I would think in response). I started taking a mocha every morning a couple days before I tried to kill myself and her voice got stronger and more pissed at this time (which was probably due to the effects of caffeine making me more suicidal to the point where it wasn't passive like it should be). I drew this a few days before my impulsive attempt:

Although looking at the wording, it looks like we were both drawing this at the same time. As you can see, she was essentially the part of my brain that kept everything regulated. If it wasn't regulated she would get angry and yell at me to fix it. I liked that system: I got things done and it kept my ego in check. However I remember this conversation quite clearly: I was eating lunch after a prompt that made me think of my future and due to the caffeine making me actively suicidal, I was constantly thinking of killing myself young to the point where I couldn't eat my lunch properly and she was getting very angry at me because I haven't done the things I was supposed to do before I kill myself but the urges were getting overwhelming and she got really mad and left with no warning. She told me to stop thinking about suicide, I didn't, she left and now I'm having trouble looking after myself. I've sort of stabilised myself but I still miss her. If she was here I wouldn't be typing this at 12:46 am. If she was here then I could manage my work better. If she was here then I could get a clear idea on what to do when talking to people. If she was here then there would be someone actually listening to my diary entries.

I drew this shortly after, sums up my situation pretty well:


The thing is though, it isn't like a 180 and suddenly she's here, she sorta slowly manifested over years getting stronger and stronger each time going from miles away with a megaphone occasionally to the point where in that period of caffination, she was essentially hovering over my shoulder 24/7. I drew this diagram for some older post, I think this sums it up well:

She was like a driving teacher sitting in the front passenger seat that sometimes gets annoyed with you and reaches over to grab the wheel and stir you out of the way and back on the path you're supposed to be going.

I don't envision her as in my body though, she's in my brain. In fact I can draw her out just by thinking about what she looks like. I didn't figure this out all at once, first she was the shadow figure from above, then I figured out her name (it's Helena!) and then a few days after my suicide attempt, I manage to visualise this (shadowy figure drawing on the right):

Then about 3 months later I drew this (coloured drawing). Didn't know her mouth and I was unsure on the fringe:

I can't actually show the most recent drawing I have of her because it's uhhhh...a bit NSFW but I figured out her fringe (it's longer than that to cover the edges of the eyes and there's a piece of hair tucked behind her right ear. Also I figured out her mouth: she's wearing black lipstick. She's taller than me too, about 6" but probably taller.

I didn't think of doing this before she dissapeared but I just think about what certain parts of her look like and I draw the image that shows up. That's how I also figured out her name, age and ethnicity (mid 30s, south asian). I've never met a woman that matches this criteria (nobody in Britian is this stylish anymore and she's dressed like a business woman but I've never worked in an office, or any job actually) and looking at the drawing, she actually looks quite 80s like it's giving power suit vibes but her hair and makeup looks more 2010s (minus the black lipstick). Also every south asian I've met has some kind of a south asian name not a latin name so she can't be some kind of memory of the past and is clearly designed based on items I think look pretty I mean, the suit is a dead give away, I like wearing blazers and collared shirts.

So in conclusion: what's the deal with her? Does DID cover people that lurk in your head? How do I get her back? I'm so scared I'll hurt myself terribly if she doesn't come back soon, in fact I'm suprised I'm still going, maybe joining this website has something to do with that.

Also I don't know if this is worth mentioning but I didn't realise until she left, but she's been in my dreams for ages. I just didn't recognise her as I'm not very good at imagining concrete things so she was more like the vague shadowy figure that was more of a concept, like reading a book rather than watching a film. I do remember thinking that she had a dark skin tone though and she was mostly in sexual dreams in a similar setting that if I try to imagine now, is like trying to play back a VHS that's been copied 15 times and only shows glimpses of the original video before going back to it's tape whirl. It's very hard to imagine. Does that happen in DID cases?

 

[Nemaki Arber]

DiD is a pretty extreme form of dissociation that generally starts very early in childhood

There are many other dissociative disorders that gives the feeling of having other identities or a sort of voice that you talk or reason through that may not feel like your own

Im not qualified to tell you what you have, but this is something to consider over DiD

 

[Cauliflour]

DiD is a pretty extreme form of dissociation that generally starts very early in childhood

There are many other dissociative disorders that gives the feeling of having other identities or a sort of voice that you talk or reason through that may not feel like your own

Im not qualified to tell you what you have, but this is something to consider over DiD

I don't know any other kinds like that, is there a list?

 

[Nemaki Arber]

I don't know any other kinds like that, is there a list?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder down the first part of the page

 

[Cauliflour]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_disorder down the first part of the page

I can't seem to find something that matches this. They all seem too extreme...

 

[waistcoat]

hey, hi! person with diagnosed DID here!

soooo~ what you described is actually... very familiar. like. wow.
the whole singular internal voice in your head guiding you to reason from a young age, they get mad and shout at you, etc, etc, then you do something, and then they dissapear type thing- yeahhhhhh, same exact thing happened here.

a basic tl;dr is: the only way you can 100% know you have DID over another disorder is to speak to a professional, as DID is a "last resort" sort of diagnosis, and there are many other dissociative disorders that must be crossed out first.

from what you have explained, i don't think you have DID, but you may have something similar such as OSDD, UDD or pDID.

The difference between DID, OSDD, UDD and pDID is fairly straight forward:

DID (dissociative identity disorder): You have "alters" (alternate states of identity) that can (but may not always) communicate, that are also seperated by dissociative barriers that cause amnesia. these alters will take control of the body independantly from "you" [there is no singular you, only the collective you, though typically the singular you means your "host" alter, who is the alter in control of the body most of the time], and other alters will typically have a hard time accessing each others memories, or may be completely unable to entirely.

pDID (partial dissociative identity disorder): You [singular] have alters who will sometimes communicate on the external world, but will never take control of the body. They are instead just passengers to you [plural] experiencing the world.

OSDD/UDD (other specified dissociative disorder / unspecificed dissociative disorder): You can imagine this as DID-lite / pDID-lite where you [singular] have alters that can (but not always) take control of the body, with significantly reduced amnesiac barriers.

The primary difference between DID and pDID, OSDD/UDD is the difference between you [plural] and you [singular]. With DID there is no you [singular], there is only you [plural] as the collective of alters. With pDID, OSDD & UDD, there is you [singular], and you [singular] have alters.

It's a bit of a mind-fuck to get your head around, this is why only a professional can make the final decision on if you have DID or otherwise.

My best advice is: don't medicalise yourself, instead, treat the symptoms.
Struggling with dissocation? Find grounding techniques to help with it. Memory loss? Journal things, take photos, etc. Until a medical professional tells you what you have - just treat your symptoms, and don't think too much about it.

from what you have explained, it's possible you have any of these, but there is an underlying requirement for all of them, which is severe truama experienced between the ages of 4ish to 8ish. dissociative disorders such as the ones outlined above have a diagnostic requirement for there to be severe early childhood trauma, typically "chronic trauma" (i.e. repeated). this is due to ego-state intergration and the theory of structural dissociation yada yada there's entire research papers on this.

if you want more information specifically on DID, check out this website https://did-research.org/
if you want information on dissociative disorders in general (pDID, DID, UDD, OSDD), check out https://traumadissociation.com/dissociative

i'm also happy to answer questions about my experience with DID if you'd like.

oh also, i should note: despite our stories being similar, i do have a lot of other different things as well that majorly contributed to my DID diagnosis (such as having ~40 other alters lmao)

 

[Cauliflour]

hey, hi! person with diagnosed DID here!

soooo~ what you described is actually... very familiar. like. wow.
the whole singular internal voice in your head guiding you to reason from a young age, they get mad and shout at you, etc, etc, then you do something, and then they dissapear type thing- yeahhhhhh, same exact thing happened here.

a basic tl;dr is: the only way you can 100% know you have DID over another disorder is to speak to a professional, as DID is a "last resort" sort of diagnosis, and there are many other dissociative disorders that must be crossed out first.

from what you have explained, i don't think you have DID, but you may have something similar such as OSDD, UDD or pDID.

The difference between DID, OSDD, UDD and pDID is fairly straight forward:

DID (dissociative identity disorder): You have "alters" (alternate states of identity) that can (but may not always) communicate, that are also seperated by dissociative barriers that cause amnesia. these alters will take control of the body independantly from "you" [there is no singular you, only the collective you, though typically the singular you means your "host" alter, who is the alter in control of the body most of the time], and other alters will typically have a hard time accessing each others memories, or may be completely unable to entirely.

pDID (partial dissociative identity disorder): You [singular] have alters who will sometimes communicate on the external world, but will never take control of the body. They are instead just passengers to you [plural] experiencing the world.

OSDD/UDD (other specified dissociative disorder / unspecificed dissociative disorder): You can imagine this as DID-lite / pDID-lite where you [singular] have alters that can (but not always) take control of the body, with significantly reduced amnesiac barriers.

The primary difference between DID and pDID, OSDD/UDD is the difference between you [plural] and you [singular]. With DID there is no you [singular], there is only you [plural] as the collective of alters. With pDID, OSDD & UDD, there is you [singular], and you [singular] have alters.

It's a bit of a mind-fuck to get your head around, this is why only a professional can make the final decision on if you have DID or otherwise.

My best advice is: don't medicalise yourself, instead, treat the symptoms.
Struggling with dissocation? Find grounding techniques to help with it. Memory loss? Journal things, take photos, etc. Until a medical professional tells you what you have - just treat your symptoms, and don't think too much about it.

from what you have explained, it's possible you have any of these, but there is an underlying requirement for all of them, which is severe truama experienced between the ages of 4ish to 8ish. dissociative disorders such as the ones outlined above have a diagnostic requirement for there to be severe early childhood trauma, typically "chronic trauma" (i.e. repeated). this is due to ego-state intergration and the theory of structural dissociation yada yada there's entire research papers on this.

if you want more information specifically on DID, check out this website https://did-research.org/
if you want information on dissociative disorders in general (pDID, DID, UDD, OSDD), check out https://traumadissociation.com/dissociative

i'm also happy to answer questions about my experience with DID if you'd like.

oh also, i should note: despite our stories being similar, i do have a lot of other different things as well that majorly contributed to my DID diagnosis (such as having ~40 other alters lmao)

This is really helpful! I don't have any kind of childhood trauma though, she just kinda appeared after years of frustration. Unless you count having autism as childhood trauma? But even then, I wasn't bullied for it, my teachers and parents just treated me like I was special to the point where it was annoying and other people would ask me what I'm doing and that'll be annoying and they were definitely talking behind my back, even if they deny it but idk I don't think the autistic middle class experience is enough to cause alternate personalities and yet here I am. I wish I was a more straightforward case but I don't want to go to a therapist because I can just know they'll be shit. Especially with the NHS being what it is nowadays and I can't justify spending a load of money on something I don't want to cure. Also I'm not sure how I would treat it as she's gone currently but if she was here then she's not strong enough to hijack by body to the point where I have gaps in my memory so I don't mind her presence. I guess having an official diagnosis would be comforting but I don't want another excuse for people to treat me like I'm special and/or think I'm a serial killer in training, think I'm just being quirky etc.

Also damn, 40 alters!? How do you even manage living if you keep having to switch between 40 different personalities?

 

[developic]

I've thought about this every now and then after someone on here called the woman in my head a "personality". When I look online, it says that the other personalities essentially take all control and you don't remember anything but in my case I've had this woman in my head since I was I think 10 or 11 I'm not sure. She would come and talk through me to myself whenever I was facing stress and I know exactly what she is, she's some kind of personification of my autistic frustration. For years she was this vague other voice that would linger on stand by and scream at me through my vocal chords to calm me down and get me together if I was getting stressed or angry. In fact the first time I ever swore was technically her telling me to shut up after I got frustrated on something. I get frustrated easily, I think it's genetic. I noticed when writing diary entries if I was venting and rambling about something personal, my writing would naturally start going to the second person and would be giving commands and insults.

Then 194 days ago I tried to kill myself via strangulation and she hasn't been back since. Whenever I get really stressed now I either try to talk like her but still retain that 1st person perspective (it's clearer in my diary entries) or I just start self harming just without her talking. It was around this time I was certain she was some kind of other entity formed by my brain cause I would have arguments with her (she would talk and I would think in response). I started taking a mocha every morning a couple days before I tried to kill myself and her voice got stronger and more pissed at this time (which was probably due to the effects of caffeine making me more suicidal to the point where it wasn't passive like it should be). I drew this a few days before my impulsive attempt:
View attachment 174909
Although looking at the wording, it looks like we were both drawing this at the same time. As you can see, she was essentially the part of my brain that kept everything regulated. If it wasn't regulated she would get angry and yell at me to fix it. I liked that system: I got things done and it kept my ego in check. However I remember this conversation quite clearly: I was eating lunch after a prompt that made me think of my future and due to the caffeine making me actively suicidal, I was constantly thinking of killing myself young to the point where I couldn't eat my lunch properly and she was getting very angry at me because I haven't done the things I was supposed to do before I kill myself but the urges were getting overwhelming and she got really mad and left with no warning. She told me to stop thinking about suicide, I didn't, she left and now I'm having trouble looking after myself. I've sort of stabilised myself but I still miss her. If she was here I wouldn't be typing this at 12:46 am. If she was here then I could manage my work better. If she was here then I could get a clear idea on what to do when talking to people. If she was here then there would be someone actually listening to my diary entries.

I drew this shortly after, sums up my situation pretty well:
View attachment 174910

The thing is though, it isn't like a 180 and suddenly she's here, she sorta slowly manifested over years getting stronger and stronger each time going from miles away with a megaphone occasionally to the point where in that period of caffination, she was essentially hovering over my shoulder 24/7. I drew this diagram for some older post, I think this sums it up well:View attachment 174911

She was like a driving teacher sitting in the front passenger seat that sometimes gets annoyed with you and reaches over to grab the wheel and stir you out of the way and back on the path you're supposed to be going.

I don't envision her as in my body though, she's in my brain. In fact I can draw her out just by thinking about what she looks like. I didn't figure this out all at once, first she was the shadow figure from above, then I figured out her name (it's Helena!) and then a few days after my suicide attempt, I manage to visualise this (shadowy figure drawing on the right):View attachment 174912

Then about 3 months later I drew this (coloured drawing). Didn't know her mouth and I was unsure on the fringe:View attachment 174913

I can't actually show the most recent drawing I have of her because it's uhhhh...a bit NSFW but I figured out her fringe (it's longer than that to cover the edges of the eyes and there's a piece of hair tucked behind her right ear. Also I figured out her mouth: she's wearing black lipstick. She's taller than me too, about 6" but probably taller.

I didn't think of doing this before she dissapeared but I just think about what certain parts of her look like and I draw the image that shows up. That's how I also figured out her name, age and ethnicity (mid 30s, south asian). I've never met a woman that matches this criteria (nobody in Britian is this stylish anymore and she's dressed like a business woman but I've never worked in an office, or any job actually) and looking at the drawing, she actually looks quite 80s like it's giving power suit vibes but her hair and makeup looks more 2010s (minus the black lipstick). Also every south asian I've met has some kind of a south asian name not a latin name so she can't be some kind of memory of the past and is clearly designed based on items I think look pretty I mean, the suit is a dead give away, I like wearing blazers and collared shirts.

So in conclusion: what's the deal with her? Does DID cover people that lurk in your head? How do I get her back? I'm so scared I'll hurt myself terribly if she doesn't come back soon, in fact I'm suprised I'm still going, maybe joining this website has something to do with that.

Also I don't know if this is worth mentioning but I didn't realise until she left, but she's been in my dreams for ages. I just didn't recognise her as I'm not very good at imagining concrete things so she was more like the vague shadowy figure that was more of a concept, like reading a book rather than watching a film. I do remember thinking that she had a dark skin tone though and she was mostly in sexual dreams in a similar setting that if I try to imagine now, is like trying to play back a VHS that's been copied 15 times and only shows glimpses of the original video before going back to it's tape whirl. It's very hard to imagine. Does that happen in DID cases?

Like how did she talk with you I am really interested about you situation

 

[Cauliflour]

Like how did she talk with you I am really interested about you situation

She would use my vocal chords and speak in a different tone to how I normally speak. Stronger accent too. Whenever she was speaking I wouldn't speak out loud (don't think I could) and would mostly stay quiet but I sometimes communicated via thinking. She only talked quietly though so nobody picked up on it as I talk to myself whenever I'm walking around brainstorming.

In terms of the written mode, I write my diary entries on my computer and I naturally start typing faster and more aggressively with less care for spelling when I'm in that sort of mindset but I think that's a me thing as I've done that after she's left so I don't think there's much difference there. Looking at the entry the day before my attempt, there's clearly a different tone but I'm not sure how to explain it. More swearing.

 

[developic]

She would use my vocal chords and speak in a different tone to how I normally speak. Stronger accent too. Whenever she was speaking I wouldn't speak out loud (don't think I could) and would mostly stay quiet but I sometimes communicated via thinking. She only talked quietly though so nobody picked up on it as I talk to myself whenever I'm walking around brainstorming.

In terms of the written mode, I write my diary entries on my computer and I naturally start typing faster and more aggressively with less care for spelling when I'm in that sort of mindset but I think that's a me thing as I've done that after she's left so I don't think there's much difference there. Looking at the entry the day before my attempt, there's clearly a different tone but I'm not sure how to explain it. More swearing.

I think it is DiD but it can be cured by hypnosis ( I am really not sure about it )

 

[waistcoat]

I think it is DiD but it can be cured by hypnosis ( I am really not sure about it )

this is not DID, and if it were, DID cannot be cured by hypnosis. please don't speak on topics like this when you are not informed as it reinforced steriotypes

This is really helpful! I don't have any kind of childhood trauma though

im glad! and since trauma is a diagnositic requirement for DID its safe to say that this is not DID but instead another disorder.

Also damn, 40 alters!? How do you even manage living if you keep having to switch between 40 different personalities?

important distinction is alters are not personalities, they are alternative states of identity, this *does* come with different personalities, but it is much, much more in-depth than that. as for how we hope with 40 of us- great difficulty and lots of therapy to lower dissociative barriers and improve internal communication.