Help how do you get over the guilt of leaving family behind?

[wishingonstars]

I am stuck on this. I had a moment of clarity just now, I have been trying to get better but I think I am done. I want to know how people get over the guilt of what leaving does to the people still alive? If you have close family and/or friends how do you you justify the pain you will cause? Particularly anyone who has a sibling especially younger they are close with. There are many people who I think could spiral from the result of me ctb but I have a younger sibling who is just starting college and has a very bright future and I am worried they will drop out and become depressed. I also have a few close friends who don't have great mental health and I'm worried worried I could cause them to ctb or really spiral badly. This is what I always get stuck on. The first time I made a plan I was 8 and didn't go through with it due to wanting to stay to protect my sibling and the guilt of the devastation killing myself would cause has held me back since then. There has definitely been good months or years in the time since then but it always comes back to this. I just want it to be over. I just need a way to justify the pain I am taking away being less than the pain I will cause.

 

[Leyna]

I am extremely afraid of what it'll do to my parents and is the main reason I haven't done it yet

 

[Fall_Apart]

I have the same problem. There's no way to solve it. In my case, I've decided to wait until my parents are gone; after they're gone, I'll be free to go too. Even though I can't give you a solution, I feel you.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

I remember that it doesn't matter for you because as soon as you die you are dead, if you still have emotional attachments to them faze them out go ... numb .

 

[Wanderer_Afraid]

Well, some people can sneak past that guilt by convincing themselves there's no other choice, and that there is only 1 path away from the pain they feel. This erases any guilt, as you can't feel guilt for a choice you can't make.

 

[PI3.14]

I was first suicidal in 2018, been so since then.

My mental health got worse and worse and it has completely ruined my life in every way possible.

I tried therapy and meds for 5 years, nothing worked. Eventually my psychiatrist diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression.

I also have anxiety since age 6 due to SA, also ADHD, CPTSD, BDD, and I'm autistic.

There is only so much my doctors could do to help me manage the plethora of mental illnesses/disorders I'm dealing with.

I did my part, I did seek treatment, for years, and it didn't help. What else am I supposed to do?

How does my family justify wanting me alive despite the pain I'm going through? From talking with my parents, I realized that they care more about their emotions, their image, their happiness, than they care about my suffering.

I don't want to suffer just so others don't, it's not fair. If they think my suffering is manageable with therapy and meds, then they can go ahead and seek treatment for their grief after I CTB.

 

[wishingonstars]

I have the same problem. There's no way to solve it. In my case, I've decided to wait until my parents are gone; after they're gone, I'll be free to go too. Even though I can't give you a solution, I feel you.

I wish I could do this, my mom is in her mid 40's (had me very young) so that'd be a long time to wait. I hope the time time you have to wait is too horrible and you find peace eventually.

 

[Fall_Apart]

I wish I could do this, my mom is in her mid 40's (had me very young) so that'd be a long time to wait. I hope the time time you have to wait is too horrible and you find peace eventually.

Thanks for your kind words My parents are in their 80s, which means I'm on my way. I hope you can find the best solution.

 

[metfan647]

I feel for those who have that extra burden of leaving loved ones behind.

I have a very small family with whom I barely speak. My mother tries to maintain some contact but truthfully, I just don't care enough about them to regard their feelings. She'd no doubt be distraught but I justify it with the fact that she's elderly and lived her life and there's a fair bit of unresolvable childhood trauma. My brother is a closed book. He's very stoic and barely expresses an opinion. He's a good guy but we're not so close so I can't possibly not carry this out for the sake of blood ties.

 

[wishingonstars]

I was first suicidal in 2018, been so since then.

My mental health got worse and worse and it has completely ruined my life in every way possible.

I tried therapy and meds for 5 years, nothing worked. Eventually my psychiatrist diagnosed me with treatment resistant depression.

I also have anxiety since age 6 due to SA, also ADHD, CPTSD, BDD, and I'm autistic.

There is only so much my doctors could do to help me manage the plethora of mental illnesses/disorders I'm dealing with.

I did my part, I did seek treatment, for years, and it didn't help. What else am I supposed to do?

How does my family justify wanting me alive despite the pain I'm going through? From talking with my parents, I realized that they care more about their emotions, their image, their happiness, than they care about my suffering.

I don't want to suffer just so others don't, it's not fair. If they think my suffering is manageable with therapy and meds, then they can go ahead and seek treatment for their grief after I CTB.

Your story reminds me so much of my own. Also experienced SA during my early childhood, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, autism. So many years of therapy, meds, etc. It's nice to come across someone with similar history.

I guess it's the opposite for me I think it's not fair to cause many people suffering to end my own. I'm glad you have that though, that reasoning makes a lot of sense especially with how uncaring it sounds like your parents are.

Well, some people can sneak past that guilt by convincing themselves there's no other choice, and that there is only 1 path away from the pain they feel. This erases any guilt, as you can't feel guilt for a choice you can't make.

I think this is the only way I might be able to get past it, thank you for your reply. It will take work to convince myself of that but I think I can get there. My life is beginning to fall apart so I think once I lose my job and such it will be easier because then I will become a burden to others.

 

[kopebaldy]

Ask the family to get over the guilt of keeping you suffering lol

 

[sorryimevenhere]

Just push past it, that what ive done in the past.

I wish you peace

 

[Off_Switch]

It's no different than dying from cancer or any other terminal illness. They just have to deal with it like millions of others have in the past.

 

[sorrowfullyliving]

I just convince myself that they would be better off without me, but I know that's not a one size fits all solution. It really just depends on your situation

 

[deep-sleeper]

Nowadays I don't feel much guilt tbh, but mostly because my family has shown me that they don't actually care in the first place. My friends would be sad obviously, but would move on eventually

 

[Exhausted!]

I am stuck on this. I had a moment of clarity just now, I have been trying to get better but I think I am done. I want to know how people get over the guilt of what leaving does to the people still alive? If you have close family and/or friends how do you you justify the pain you will cause? Particularly anyone who has a sibling especially younger they are close with. There are many people who I think could spiral from the result of me ctb but I have a younger sibling who is just starting college and has a very bright future and I am worried they will drop out and become depressed. I also have a few close friends who don't have great mental health and I'm worried worried I could cause them to ctb or really spiral badly. This is what I always get stuck on. The first time I made a plan I was 8 and didn't go through with it due to wanting to stay to protect my sibling and the guilt of the devastation killing myself would cause has held me back since then. There has definitely been good months or years in the time since then but it always comes back to this. I just want it to be over. I just need a way to justify the pain I am taking away being less than the pain I will cause.

I wish I could help you. But unfortunately being someone who has been put through that pain this is also where I struggle. However, like you I'm ready. I'm thinking of leaving a note telling everyone just how much pain I was in and that I'm sorry for their pain.