It's all so convoluted. Most of the time I just wanna sit on a rock somewhere and fast to death.
There's nothing wrong with being hypocritical imo, it's just a consequence of the diversity of expression existence can take on, there has to naturally arise things that, at least appear, contradictory to one another. To say hypocrisy is bad is like saying the rapid descent that a roller coaster takes after the apex is bad because it was just previously ascending. So it's good you're aware of hypocrisy, imo the only bad thing about hypocrisy is not being aware of it.
Of course I'm stretching the meaning of hypocrisy a bit (I just have such little experience with other people the social domain is mostly alien to me), in its literal definition it's to do with people holding conflicting values and putting on facades and manipulating to get these values met. Such an existence must be so terrifying, how precarious your whole identity is. I always want to be as transparent as possible so there's nothing I have to build up and then consequently defend. Tho I'm not perfect and I'll be spending the rest of my life defending my own untenable constructs until I return to the void with them.
It's almost certainly the case that my use of the word 'hypocrite' is incorrect. I don't really know the right word to describe what I was trying to get across. Hypocrisy carries in itself a negative connotation, I suppose, but what I was trying to say was something a bit more neutral, in that in my belief, such 'hypocrisy' (I'll continue to use the word for lack of knowledge of the appropriate one, with apologies) is inevitable at some point for everyone. I do think that in the more literal definition, of people claiming one value but consciously acting out another with malicious intent, it is certainly something to be held accountable for. But I really just don't think it's possible to maintain a very concrete line on any one point, based on my lived experience, a belief that you are so absolute on, that nothing can shake it, and that there are no exceptions. That's how I experience things; quite likely there are people out there who have a moral code that they manage to follow at all times, in every instance, with no self-doubt or regret.
I aim, too, to be transparent. I think that's the best we can do, for now. I aim always to be honest and sincere in the moment, at least, to those who deserve it. If I were sent back to a psychiatrist and asked if I wanted to die, I'd twist the truth to avoid being involuntary admitted once more. But at least in my interactions with my family and other people (I've come not to regard the psychiatrists I've encountered as 'people', really) in real life, as well as on this forum, if I say or write something, I do my best to make it adhere with my individual perspective, beliefs, opinions and feelings at that snapshot in time. A week later, a month later, a year later, my feelings on the matter may be different, and if possible, I will try to rectify any potential misunderstanding where I can. But I think all we can do is try to be honest at any moment, and aim for sincerity with that.
