For me ceasing to exist really is all that's positive and is just the only relief for me in this existence so futile and torturous, I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer and I suffer simply from being conscious in this existence I always saw as a mistake, for me non-existence is all that's desirable and is all I'll wish for no matter what.
I just want to never suffer ever again, to me existence really is the most dreadful, terrible abomination that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much one can suffer which is why I'll only hope and wish to be gone no matter what, all I want is an eternal dreamless sleep free from all suffering where all is finally forgotten. I'd just always prefer to not exist than be tortured in this futile existence I never would had chosen just to die in agony from old age, I find it so deeply undesirable to exist in every way.