samishii
What's the point?
- Dec 24, 2021
- 103
Idk how to start this, but fuck it-
It started when I was 6, my family and a few other close relatives of mine went on a trip to Manali (it's a hill station in Northern India). It was all great, I remember having loads of of joy especially at zipline river crossings. As a matter of fact, that is my last memory where I was truly happy
One night, I was going to my parents room at the hotel, I heard my parents talking about hating me. Those were the words which scarred me bad.
(Although I thought it was a nightmare for a long time, I still knew in the back of my head, it was true. A few years ago, I checked out the details of the hotel we stayed at, it existed, I checked out the rooms since I had like a picture stuck in my head with all the details like where everyone else was sitting, etc. The pictures matched my head. )
After a few years, when I was 8, my parents had a big fight, at that moment, my dad explicitly said the same thing to me again- "Don't come in front of me, I hate you more than anything" followed by my mum shouting at me to go away. It was never the same again, a fucking child spent most of his childhood thinking "what was my fault?", "Why am I still alive?", "My death might let my parents and sister live a happy life" etc.
It used to be bad at school too, I used to be bullied, although not physically, but everyone used to say hurtful stuff to me. I had no friends for years... literally. And by this time I had already tried to ctb (in the dumbest of ways by drinking shampoo). Things kept getting worse, at home and at school. I was hollowed out by the time I was 17, a kid who used to be confident, good at studies (I loved to study science), was now scared of everything, was opposite of confident, getting worse at studies.
Later I applied to my uni, got in, although a great uni in Germany coz I wanted to do something cars related. I was still not willing to join coz it would cost my parents a ton of money, and I didn't want to get that feeling of me owing them.
My plan was to ctb on april 14, 2021, which I failed obviously. So I had to join uni, coz I didn't have the energy to explain anything to my parents. I came here and now I feel that I no longer have control over my life, I can't ctb, and I don't want to live with worsening anxiety and depression.
https://c.tenor.com/iJ8dDvxd6isAAAAM/morning-deep-thought.gif
It started when I was 6, my family and a few other close relatives of mine went on a trip to Manali (it's a hill station in Northern India). It was all great, I remember having loads of of joy especially at zipline river crossings. As a matter of fact, that is my last memory where I was truly happy
One night, I was going to my parents room at the hotel, I heard my parents talking about hating me. Those were the words which scarred me bad.
(Although I thought it was a nightmare for a long time, I still knew in the back of my head, it was true. A few years ago, I checked out the details of the hotel we stayed at, it existed, I checked out the rooms since I had like a picture stuck in my head with all the details like where everyone else was sitting, etc. The pictures matched my head. )
After a few years, when I was 8, my parents had a big fight, at that moment, my dad explicitly said the same thing to me again- "Don't come in front of me, I hate you more than anything" followed by my mum shouting at me to go away. It was never the same again, a fucking child spent most of his childhood thinking "what was my fault?", "Why am I still alive?", "My death might let my parents and sister live a happy life" etc.
It used to be bad at school too, I used to be bullied, although not physically, but everyone used to say hurtful stuff to me. I had no friends for years... literally. And by this time I had already tried to ctb (in the dumbest of ways by drinking shampoo). Things kept getting worse, at home and at school. I was hollowed out by the time I was 17, a kid who used to be confident, good at studies (I loved to study science), was now scared of everything, was opposite of confident, getting worse at studies.
Later I applied to my uni, got in, although a great uni in Germany coz I wanted to do something cars related. I was still not willing to join coz it would cost my parents a ton of money, and I didn't want to get that feeling of me owing them.
My plan was to ctb on april 14, 2021, which I failed obviously. So I had to join uni, coz I didn't have the energy to explain anything to my parents. I came here and now I feel that I no longer have control over my life, I can't ctb, and I don't want to live with worsening anxiety and depression.
https://c.tenor.com/iJ8dDvxd6isAAAAM/morning-deep-thought.gif
