Help How to enjoy being alive?

[aaAAAaaa32]

I dunno if this is more of a Vent or Help post but this may be one of the rare occasions i write anything here (usually i am just an observer)
But today is one of the days ppl usually celebrate (Birthday). But for me it became a reoccuring thing that i cry every year on my birthday since i turned 15 or 16? since then being alive did not feel very much enjoyable and I really wish to just pass away somehow.

And i feel very guilty because i know my parents, especially mom, really try to make me happy on my birthday. Now I am often reading abt Methods, what to do and what not to etc. on this Forum. But I can't help but feel like I want to try being happy again -- in a way??
For me personally it had gone "worse" over the years. There are time periods where I enjoy being here but these usually only occur a few times in a year. Doing SH, being sad, stressed and frustrated is a way more common feeling and as far as I see it, the future is going to be even harder for me (finding a job in a field that Ai takes over). Still i can't really shake the feeling off that I want to give it a shot somehow? Anyone having any tips? As for now, I usually think about leaving permanently (multiple reasons actually) But I feel like i should try making life seem a bit more positive again before do? -- atleast before I do anything drastic

 

[hankly]

find a goal and make a plan, then follow it through and iterate.

 

[SoulCage]

I feel the same sadness on my birthday. I tell people that I don't want to celebrate, because it feels wrong to celebrate when there is no joy in existing. It makes me hate myself even more, because I have to meet the expectations of others and I don't want to.

Anyway about your "you want to give it a shot somehow". When I was at my lowest (a year ago or so) I was also still holding on to something.
Now I know what it was: I wasn't 100% if I have tried everything that the social systems have to offer. I have to fully embrace it to confidently say "nope, nobody can help me, I am just too broken" and then be able to shut up my SI. I also think that it would help me to explain my passing to the remaining 2 people in my life (who still enjoy my company for whatever reason). I can tell them that I really really tried and giving them the idea that it was my decision and that it's not their fault, because they did/suggested everything they can and there is no need to feel guilty or anything.

I am still on my recovery Journey, still got some things to try. But yea... This is just my personal reason to motivate myself, it's different for everyone.

 

[aaAAAaaa32]

I feel the same sadness on my birthday. I tell people that I don't want to celebrate, because it feels wrong to celebrate when there is no joy in existing. It makes me hate myself even more, because I have to meet the expectations of others and I don't want to.

Anyway about your "you want to give it a shot somehow". When I was at my lowest (a year ago or so) I was also still holding on to something.
Now I know what it was: I wasn't 100% if I have tried everything that the social systems have to offer. I have to fully embrace it to confidently say "nope, nobody can help me, I am just too broken" and then be able to shut up my SI. I also think that it would help me to explain my passing to the remaining 2 people in my life (who still enjoy my company for whatever reason). I can tell them that I really really tried and giving them the idea that it was my decision and that it's not their fault, because they did/suggested everything they can and there is no need to feel guilty or anything.

I am still on my recovery Journey, still got some things to try. But yea... This is just my personal reason to motivate myself, it's different for everyone.

ohh i wish you good luck on your recovery journey and thanks a lot for sharing!

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

Something I've found to be helpful is the idea of glimmers. These are micro-moments that are the opposite of triggers. The idea is to look out for the small moments when we feel good. When we come upon these moments it's suggested to allow space and time to feel and appreciate them. They came be a wide variety of things - people, places, things, or even patterns.

I started doing this when a therapist suggested it while I was in a depth where I felt I couldn't feel good anymore. I started with small moments like noticing a fluffy cloud or a small flower. The more I did this I became more open to experiencing larger moments. Don't get me wrong, it surely hasn't "fixed" me. I still wish I wasn't here and plan to leave at a time of my choosing, but these little things help me get by in the meantime.

Some common glimmers for me:
clouds, plants, animals (lately I've been enjoying crows. I like to feed them peanuts and watch their silly behavior), the feeling of wind on my skin, smells (I like incense).

When we're able to find some reoccurring glimmers for ourselves we can try to incorporate them more in your life.

I commend you for trying to find ways to make the time you have more bearable.

 

[aaAAAaaa32]

Something I've found to be helpful is the idea of glimmers. These are micro-moments that are the opposite of triggers. The idea is to look out for the small moments when we feel good. When we come upon these moments it's suggested to allow space and time to feel and appreciate them. They came be a wide variety of things - people, places, things, or even patterns.

I started doing this when a therapist suggested it while I was in a depth where I felt I couldn't feel good anymore. I started with small moments like noticing a fluffy cloud or a small flower. The more I did this I became more open to experiencing larger moments. Don't get me wrong, it surely hasn't "fixed" me. I still wish I wasn't here and plan to leave at a time of my choosing, but these little things help me get by in the meantime.

Some common glimmers for me:
clouds, plants, animals (lately I've been enjoying crows. I like to feed them peanuts and watch their silly behavior), the feeling of wind on my skin, smells (I like incense).

When we're able to find some reoccurring glimmers for ourselves we can try to incorporate them more in your life.

I commend you for trying to find ways to make the time you have more bearable.

Ohh thats certainly a very sweet way. I did this for some time too which led to me hoarding every small note or gift or anything random that I've gotten from friends or relate to them.

Saddly this hasn't really sparked in almost a year by now. It feels like the negativity is alway weighting WAY more than positive things -- therefor i get called pessimistic quite often which bothers me in a way?? Maybe I am a negative person then? but i really dont want to be that

Tho i gotta say this motivated me a bit more. especially if your Therapist suggested this too. I have my very own dog with the personality of toothless from httyd ykyk. He does spark some joy in me sometimes so maybe I'll try to focus more on that again. Tho i must say that he does seem a bit more depressed now that he is out of the Trex puberty phase. But maybe he reflects my behavior or the situation at home (i study abroad and i am not always home) but we'll see!

Thanks for your advice!

 

[Scythe]

I might not be too helpful, this "advice" is coming from the prespective of someome who don't give a shit if they're dead next year or even tomorrow.

I enjoy life, but it's under the condition that I have no future. And I want no future because it complicates things. So many uncertain factors and horrible things that may happen. Plus I have to work eventually, and I don't want that.

I also do have hobbies, and that's why I enjoy life as well. I have things I want to do.

Basically, what I'm saying is, step 1, stop worrying about the future. Pretend it doesn't exist for you. Then when you enjoy life again, worry about the future.

This advice is coming from someone who doesn't want to recover though. So take it with a grain of salt.

 

[TBONTB]

find a goal and make a plan, then follow it through and iterate.

Yes. Start with a small goal though. Maybe the first one is...invite Mom to have coffee together. Succeed, then make a new one. Maybe it's, find a class on AI prompts.

Having a big goal can be overwhelming, but many small goals can be satisfying.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I might not be too helpful, this "advice" is coming from the prespective of someome who don't give a shit if they're dead next year or even tomorrow.

I enjoy life, but it's under the condition that I have no future. And I want no future because it complicates things. So many uncertain factors and horrible things that may happen. Plus I have to work eventually, and I don't want that.

I also do have hobbies, and that's why I enjoy life as well. I have things I want to do.

Basically, what I'm saying is, step 1, stop worrying about the future. Pretend it doesn't exist for you. Then when you enjoy life again, worry about the future.

This advice is coming from someone who doesn't want to recover though. So take it with a grain of salt.

I resonate with this. I personally don't see recovery as just never ctb. For me it's more don't spontaneously attempt. I still plan to leave at a time of my choosing.

Your comment reminds me of this quote from Emily Cioran:

We dread the future only when we are not sure we can kill ourselves when we want to.

 

[moribundwhispers]

good question

 

[aaAAAaaa32]

I might not be too helpful, this "advice" is coming from the prespective of someome who don't give a shit if they're dead next year or even tomorrow.

I enjoy life, but it's under the condition that I have no future. And I want no future because it complicates things. So many uncertain factors and horrible things that may happen. Plus I have to work eventually, and I don't want that.

I also do have hobbies, and that's why I enjoy life as well. I have things I want to do.

Basically, what I'm saying is, step 1, stop worrying about the future. Pretend it doesn't exist for you. Then when you enjoy life again, worry about the future.

This advice is coming from someone who doesn't want to recover though. So take it with a grain of salt.

Oh i'll definetly take this to heart! bc i haven't thpight about that yet. I worry a lot about future..a loooot