Discussion How to just let go?

[So tired]

Hello, i discovered this website a few weeks ago and i really love how supporting this community is! I'm relieved that I finally found people whom I can talk about this with bc nobody will ever understand me. I always wished to just drop dead for a long time now but a month ago I finally started to plan and actually take action... My only available method is jumping from a 25 story building nearby so I went to the location and "practiced" numerous times but I just can't get over my damn SI. I'm not afraid of heights so even when I'm on the verge of falling I don't even flinch or anything but I guess the the oblivion of death is what scares me. It's like there's an invisible wall and my leg just won't damn budge. Screw SI. Because of circumstances I can only fall forward so I unfortunately have to push really hard to succeed. Which is not easy. I wish I had the willpower to just do it and get it over with. I tried drinking but it backfired because I got too drunk and I felt as hesitant as ever before blacking out lol. Sometimes I backed out feeling maybe things will get better but honestly it's just getting worse day by day and I'm tired of waking up terrified everyday. I think most people here are still here because of similar reasons but I just wish there was a way to shut down my SI and I wish "hope" didn't exist. Sorry for venting.

 

[toomuchgrief]

HUGS OP, I don't know how to help with the SI thing. oh, and you should really find something higher just in case.

I don't have survival instinct, my life is so fuck up that I'm better off dead.

Mine is not worry about SI, but mine is someone will see me climb and jump off a 1,000 feet bridge and pull me back and take me into custody and lost my freedom of end my life.
Or somehow I miracle survive a 1,000 feet (300 meters) bridge. yes, there someone who jump a 656 feet (200 meters) bridge and survive. So now I have doubt if 300 meters is even high enough. Last thing I want is not dead, but become vegetable paralyze.

 

[So tired]

HUGS OP, I don't know how to help with the SI thing. oh, and you should really find something higher just in case.

I don't have survival instinct, my life is so fuck up that I'm better off dead.

Mine is not worry about SI, but mine is someone will see me climb and jump off a 1,000 feet bridge and pull me back and take me into custody and lost my freedom of end my life.
Or somehow I miracle survive a 1,000 feet (300 meters) bridge. yes, there someone who jump a 656 feet (200 meters) bridge and survive. So now I have doubt if 300 meters is even high enough. Last thing I want is not dead, but become vegetable paralyze.

Aww thank you. Hugs to you too. I'm glad I have someone to talk about this with. I wish I could just destroy the part of my brain that contains SI. Sadly that's as high as I can get but I think it'd be enough to kill me as long as I don't land on my feet. (Which is what makes it even harder to get it right) Jumping off a building is a common method of suicide here so hopefully i'll be lucky to catch the bus as well... I mean i even read about people who died from a 5 story fall. I guess it's not really something to be jealous of but I really am lol. people who survive from a fall that high are extremely rare cases anyway so I try not to worry about that.

I know what you mean. That's why I always attempt at late night around 2am-ish. I also added in my suicide note to kill me in case I become vegetated or something but I'm not sure if it's considered legal in my country. Oh well it doesn't hurt to try I guess. Do you mind if I ask if you're falling backwards or forwards? I'm scared that i'll somehow land on my butt and not on my head if I fall backwards.

 

[Rachel74]

Vent away OP, that is what the forum is here for. Welcome to ss.