Story I almost succeded

[Josuyo]

So people may have seen my post from Tuesday.

It was basically a note goodbye. Only for this forum, it was the only place I felt comfortable telling people how I felt and what I hoped to achieve in dying.

Obviously I am here which means I didn't. However I was told by my family and the hospital that I almost did.

Obviously I'm not disclosing my exact method but I did overdose on a medication (prescribed to me) as I was accidentally given access to far more than I should have done.

I was dissociating at the time as well so I know that I already felt high. However I've never abused drugs before in my life so then I really starter to get high for the first time ever.

I was very cold as I was outside when I overdosed. So I wandered into an housing estate where I sat down.

By this point my vision was starring to go. I threw up completely clear liquid. And was very aware I could probably not get back up.

I was found by some residents who got a hold of my phone and contacted an ambulance and my family. I could pretty much only hear what was going on until I remembered the blue flashing of the ambulance lights.

I then blacked out completely.

I was told that I began seizing violently in the ambulance as basically my body was going into shock. My parents said I was taken into resuss but I don't remember any of this. It's very possible I stopped breathing.

The hospital experience was pretty awful. I was unable to get up at all. If I had to use the bathroom I needed to use a bedpan which was pretty embarrassing.

Plus with the COVID situation our local hospital was inundated with patients so I was there on a drip still high as a kite, my parents couldn't be there either because of the restrictions.

I know I notice a lot of people on this site wonder if there's anything after death. It's honestly something I had a fear of too. The only hope I had was perhaps to join my friend who had killed themselves a few years ago.

But in the time where I passed out to when I woke up in a hospital bed, I heard and saw and felt nothing. It wasn't even like when you close your eyes and just sit in the dark for a long time. I know it was about 7/8pm when I wandered into the neighbourhood where I was found. When I saw the time in the hospital again it was midnight, so I had lost at least 4 hours, unaccounted for.

I didn't feel any pain in my method but that may be due to the sheer amount of drugs I had access to. I imagine too little would mean someone could possibly be awake and go through the purging process which I of course was not conscious for if that is what happened.
I'm not exactly planning this a second time. I think I got off very lucky as there doesn't seem to be any permanent damage to my body I know of yet. I am nursing a swollen lip and lacerated tounge where I was seizing so bit down on them (it's hard to eat now). I was discharged incredibly early just because the health care services here are pretty awful but I'm glad I'm recovering at home as I hate all the bullshit of being attached to loads of monitors and being escorted just to pee.

I guess the moral of the story is yes overdose can be a painless method and from my experience it seems like there could very well be nothing after you pass but if you fuck up you could seriously damage your body or possibly even disable yourself. I got help in time but if I hadn't succeeded in killing myself I may have ended up with brain damage from oxygen deprivation.

So just be careful in what you do and the decisions you may make when considering this method. It would be ideal if no one felt like they had to resort to this. I was personally just tired of being bullied by people who I thought were my friends but I've come out of this very lucky to have my mind and body still intact.

I realise now that I am a far better person than any of those narssacistic jerks could ever hope to be. People have called me too kind and too nice but I'd rather be too nice than a disgusting excuse of a human who thrives off hurting others.

I know everyone on here has different problems, I've noticed a lot of us have suffered at the hands of cruel and insensitive people but being where I have and back has given me some clarity.

We are all worth far more than those who can do nothing but hurt those around them. We all cause hurt at points but if you own up to your actions and strive every day to be better and do good by yourself and others then you're one hell of an individual.

I am not cured of my depression or my anxiety or my dissociation. I'm still suicidal and am partly sad I didn't succeed because I know I'm going to have to face a lot more hardships in the future but I'm going to try and give life another go for now. I still feel very guilty about leaving my pets to go off myself so at the very least I should make it up to them.

 

[supermario]

Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm so happy to hear it seems you got off without any permanent damage. CTB is hard, and I think the takeaway for anyone planning to do this (myself included), meticulous planning must be at the top of the priority list. Regardless of how bad our lives are right now, it can always get worse if we don't plan it properly.

 

[Josuyo]

Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm so happy to hear it seems you got off without any permanent damage. CTB is hard, and I think the takeaway for anyone planning to do this (myself included), meticulous planning must be at the top of the priority list. Regardless of how bad our lives are right now, it can always get worse if we don't plan it properly.

Yeah. I mean it was spontaneous because I suffer from mad dissociation so I can lose control of myself for insane amounts of time and do shit like this ystsghkehdxgcdz

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. You are lucky that there was no damage, that is one of the things that I fear. Of course we all deserve a peaceful, reliable, exit, none of us should have to resort to these types of methods anyway. You said that you will give life another go, so I wish you the best with that. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

So this is one of those cases that mention of suicidal people entering into some sort of recovery stage after a failed attempt. I wonder if it has anything to do with the brain releasing a shit ton of chemicals to motivate existence after seeing it almost lost it. Anyways..........

Good luck on giving life a second chance, I hope is worth it and you find in life what you been missing.

 

[Josuyo]

So this is one of those cases that mention of suicidal people entering into some sort of recovery stage after a failed attempt. I wonder if it has anything to do with the brain releasing a shit ton of chemicals to motivate existence after seeing it almost lost it. Anyways..........

Good luck on giving life a second chance, I hope is worth it and you find in life what you been missing.

I mean I'm juggling a identity disorder on top of the depression. I'm still suicidal but I did feel very much pushed before. I was being harassed and bullied which seems ridiculous at my age but it can happen no matter how old you are.

But I'm here like, I did have plans in place before to try and do something with my life, for me, not anyone else, it was just a spontaneous lapse of control and its not something I could have stopped. It is very possible I may just one day suddenly off myself but that's just how my brain is. I was making the most of a truly awful situation before and I'll keep on at it for as long as I want.

Death is this reassuring option that will always be there if I truly lose all motivation but I still have good people in my life, my wee pets, a job, and my uni education waiting after I recover. If I can, I want to try and get the job I've always wanted, and a house, and maybe even be lucky enough to find someone I love and to marry. If I die any time before then tho at least I tried and at least I did what I could to try and be kind to those I meet. Even if my life isn't incredible I can at least bring love and happiness into others in the time I'm here.