Story I am back, not dead 😞

[Everydayismisery]

TLDR: I'm a bitch & couldn't drink it.

A week ago I said I'd be dead within 12 hours and I'm not. I've been too ashamed to log back in but fuck it this is the only place I have. If anyone wants to pm me and talk that would be super nice because I'm really going through the ringer.

I did receive my SN from IC that has been with customs all month yesterday so that's good and I'll use that one for my next try.

Basically what happened last week, I fasted 8-10 hours. But then started puking out the acetaminophen and propranolol as well as *nothing but saliva since I'd been fasting* maybe 20 mins before I even went to take the SN because of nerves I guess?

I still prepped the SN from DD with a scale and let me tell you that chart thing that tells you how many tablespoons or whatever is so wrong. 25 grams of SN is way more than 1 tablespoon. It's like fucking 4+. I was like holy shit this is a lot.
I grabbed my father who passed aways cross, though I'm not religious, just more symbolic, laid it on my chest, put a trash can next to my head and played some relaxing music as I laid down ready for my deadly cocktail.

Essentially, I couldn't drink it. Idk wtf is wrong with me. I'm 100% ready and it's all I think about every day yet SI kicks in for a fucking drink!! & let me tell you the overwhelming peace with the cross on my chest and music playing was beautiful. I was like yes finally. But still couldn't do it. So I'm here suffering day in and out again.

Funny enough, every day since I'm like okay today is the day. I'll have breakfast and then I have to wait till 10pm. Around 8:30-9pm my family eats dinner or a snack or something and I'm so hungry listening to them eating that I fucking cave and have a snack. Now I can't even fast….I'm such a fucking failure.

Actually now things are worse. No friends, no companion & got laid off from my job on Tuesday. I've become such a loser. Now I spend my day on a hookup app sexting women because it's a major dopamine hit with people wanting to talk to me. All I really want is this depression gone, my life back and some companionship.

Sorry I bitched out, didn't mean to lead anyone on. As I said I was ashamed.

Edit** strange offer but I fucking hate where I am and need to move asap if I can't ctb. If anyone in the US is tryna relocate, let's be homies and dip somewhere cool

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm sorry to hear what your going through, that's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

[Shivali]

There is no reason to be ashamed :Umarmung:

 

[Lost Magic]

You never mentioned any anti-sickness tablets. I hope you get some because as you know the likelihood of vomiting with SN is probable. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Just take a break for a while. You have been through a lot.

 

[27clubBRIAN]

No judgment , you don't gotta be ashamed . We all understand , SI is part of being human

 

[Everydayismisery]

You never mentioned any anti-sickness tablets. I hope you get some because as you know the likelihood of vomiting with SN is probable. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Just take a break for a while. You have been through a lot.

Thanks for the concern. I already have GI issues that cause me to vomit when I eat so I've been taking those pills so I don't throw up. I'm not worried about vomiting, that's what the second drink is for. And if that doesn't work I have a giant container of SN from DD for countless more attempts lol I just need to actually fucking do it ya know? I don't see the need for a break, the suffering is endless. I just want to be able to pull the metaphorical trigger.

 

[Lost Magic]

Thanks for the concern. I already have GI issues that cause me to vomit when I eat so I've been taking those pills so I don't throw up. I'm not worried about vomiting, that's what the second drink is for. And if that doesn't work I have a giant container of SN from DD for countless more attempts lol I just need to actually fucking do it ya know? I don't see the need for a break, the suffering is endless. I just want to be able to pull the metaphorical trigger.

Yeah, I understand the feelings you have. I'm looking forward to the end myself. You mentioned that your SI was strong. May I suggest getting some benzos or xanax. It will take the edge of somewhat. Good luck to you!

 

[Everydayismisery]

Yeah, I understand the feelings you have. I'm looking forward to the end myself. You mentioned that your SI was strong. May I suggest getting some benzos or xanax. It will take the edge of somewhat. Good luck to you!

Thank you!! SI is so hard to overcome even with benzos people on here make it out to be somewhat of a holy grail but I've taken so many klonopin, Xanax and Ativan to bypass SI with SN & hanging. It's just a downer, SI is still very relevant. The only thing I haven't tried is alcohol, which would definitely make me puke so fuck

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so frustrating how even know we want to die, we are all programmed to survive. I'm sorry that you have been through all this, I can imagine that it must be tiring. Suicide is certainly not easy. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from what you are going through as none of us should ever have to suffer. Best wishes.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Sorry I bitched out, didn't mean to lead anyone on. As I said I was ashamed.

There is no need for an apology to ANYONE. And nothing for you to be ashamed of.

 

[hellispink]

It must very difficult going through all of this. SI is indeed also my biggest fear. I have imagine myself over and over ready to do it and almost pouring it to the glass. I have also felt like a failure a lot of times for still hanging and being here. Your feelings are valid. I hope you figure things out.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I'm sorry. I understand feeling like a failure, even though you're not. Suicide isn't the "cowards way out" like the unknowing masses try to shame us with. It's hard. I'm sorry for whatever brought you to this point, it's easy to say don't beat yourself up when you're already in pain and it just makes it worse, but probably if we weren't inclined to be so hard on ourselves a lot of us wouldn't actually be on this forum.

I get it.

 

[want2dienow]

Similar; I am back and not dead, still a slug.

 

[LifeHasNoOptIn]

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. CTB is the biggest decision one can make in their life and there is never anything wrong with deciding you are not ready. SI is a massive hurdle to overcome, and there is no shame in struggling with it. No need to rush it or fulfill any schedule other than when you are absolutely sure it's time.
We are always here for you.

 

[Maríasp]

I am very happy, if you feel that the best thing is to leave your old life and start another one, try it!!

 

[Euthanza]

Suicide is not easy and short. It should be easy and short if euthanasia and assisted suicide is respected by the society and authority, but they aren't so; We have just came to the era where euthanasia and assisted suicide will be respected in some places when you're eligible to satisfy strict regulations (a lot of money and suffering is required)

 

[Everydayismisery]

Well he killed himself. I'm in this world without my older brother now. See none of you cared for him so you all just get to continue living without having any consequences. He had bipolar disorder and was at a low point again. The only difference between his older episodes and this one was this stupid fucking website. Thanks for helping kill my brother

 

[theboy]

Well he killed himself. I'm in this world without my older brother now. See none of you cared for him so you all just get to continue living without having any consequences. He had bipolar disorder and was at a low point again. The only difference between his older episodes and this one was this stupid fucking website. Thanks for helping kill my brother

I'm sorry about what happened to your brother, why do you say that no one cared about him? I understand that here we do not promote or encourage suicide but to provide information
If you want you can send me a private message to understand the situation

 

[Maríasp]

Bueno, se suicidó. Estoy en este mundo sin mi hermano mayor ahora. Vea que ninguno de ustedes se preocupó por él, por lo que todos pueden continuar viviendo sin tener ninguna consecuencia. Tenía trastorno bipolar y estaba en un punto bajo otra vez. La única diferencia entre sus episodios anteriores y este era este estúpido sitio web. Gracias por ayudar a matar

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine your pain, a very strong hug