I am extroverted but still deeply lonely and suicidal

[FireFox]

People think introverts are lonely and extroverts are not but being extroverted can be lonely too when people do not warm or click with you. I am a quirky extrovert but throughout my life I have struggled to fit in and I have gone through life not having friends there for you like other people have.

I was born naturally confident, not afraid to speak up and try new things but still throughout my life people thought I was werid. As a teenage girl I had the confidence to talk the boys I really liked but they thought I was werid and regularly builled me even my own crush cruelly humiliated me infront of their friends and the entire school. He didn't even care how upset he made me.

In my last job I made the effort to know everyone's names, genuinely cared about my colleagues and socialised but still I felt like I was never a real part of the team. My colleagues were much older and quiter while I am outspoken and liked travelling which everyone knew about. Everyone knew I was struggling with this unpleasant entilted POS customer and when I called out unpleasant customer for their ridiculous sense of entitlement the whole department gossiped about me over what I did and management had a melt down over my actions. The people who assigned me the challenging case distanceed themselves from me. I was weeks into my job and very inexperienced but still I was assigned this challenging case with no real support. When I sent an Christmas card to everyone at work none of my colleagues and boss said thank you. My colleagues were never honest with me about anything and went behind my back to my boss to whine how slow I am in handling cases no one ever gave me feedback to grow. My colleagues excluded me at work too.

I am enjoying university right now but I still feel so isolated. I am so lonely right now. I attend a large university with one of the best law programmes in the UK but still I feel isolated than ever even though I mix with the student population. The university I attend has a high population of students from overseas especially from China, India, USA and other countries across Europe even in my classes I am either the only Brit or belong to a small group of British students. A lot of students from overseas stick together with people from who come from the same country as them and they bond with each other with no real interest with mixing with other people ( NOT ALL). It can be hard to make friends . It shows a lot in where people sit next to each other in class and hang out around campus.

The university organises loads of events and outings which I do attend that is how I meet people but it lasts for a short while. I talk to people but it fizzles out after a while so I am lonely again. My socal skills a very high but finding people who reciprocate is difficult. In my law classes I have classmates who are practicing lawyers in their home nations or have impressive career histories. One of my American classmates she had a job working in human rights in New York. In my tax law classes I have classmates who are qualified lawyers in tax. I do feel like the odd one out sometimes.

I talk to the guys in my class and i can't click with them and they don't click with me either. Honestly this is why I can't over the the stoner militant athiest Norwegian guy I hanged out with all summer until he rejected me. The stoner guy and i we had the most fun conversations ever but guys at university it's not like that. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone fun like him ever. It's hurts so much because I really wanted him and we clicked with each other in someways

 

[treestumpbootsneo]

I'm sorry , it sounds like you do the right thing, but it doesn't work out.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do feel bad for you when you are clearly putting in so much effort. All I would say is the whole: 'I'll never meet someone I can get along with again' isn't necessarily true. Following the older guy in that housing firm you worked for, you truly believed you wouldn't meet someone else- but then- you did meet the Norweigen guy. It's a real shame things didn't work out at you had hoped and sadly, that is a risk in trying to form close friendships/ relationships. Sure- they won't be exactly the same. Still- there's the possibility/ hope that the next person could be even better and more compatible. There are an awful lot of people in this world.

Where I do admire you but also feel bad for you is the enormous amount of effort it takes to meet them and the strain it has if things don't work out.

I was actually massively lucky because, I met a best friend at uni. But you see- even there- they have their own family now. We're barely even friends now. So yeah, I also understamd why you feel so pessimistic about it all. I hope you do find people you click with soon.

 

[tss fss]

Being extroverted does not necessarily mean you are able to display socially normal and acceptable behavior. It seems that there is a part of your way of communication that is not compatible with the social norms or that your are still carrying visible scars of a past trauma that keep making you look socially awkward.

Also I would hesitate to call you an extrovert since you seem to go out of your way to look caring and socially acceptable , you seem too self aware for an extrovert.

So there might be a part of you that you are still not aware of. So try to be more observant of your behavior and don't hesitate to go visit a psychiatrist to get the right diagnosis if necessary.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

There's so much more to personalities than just introversion-extraversion. Highly recommend looking into MBTI and seeking out people of your own type to chat about your struggles and also people of specific types for friendships and romantic engagements. Certain types are just more prone to experiencing what you're experiencing.

 

[divinemistress36]

Maybe you would have better luck dating a guy in his mid to late 30s

 

[FireFox]

There's so much more to personalities than just introversion-extraversion. Highly recommend looking into MBTI and seeking out people of your own type to chat about your struggles and also people of specific types for friendships and romantic engagements. Certain types are just more prone to experiencing what you're experiencing.

@nihilistic_dragon What is MBTI I have never heard it before?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

@nihilistic_dragon What is MBTI I have never heard it before?

It's bullshit. It's a personality test that was designed by two random women with no background in psychology and is based on Carl Jung's work, not actual empirical evidence. There are many design flaws with the test and its reliability and validity isn't great. This is why if you have ever read any studies looking at personality you likely won't find researchers using this test.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

@nihilistic_dragon What is MBTI I have never heard it before?

Meyers-Briggs personality typing theory. If you want to dig even deeper, besides cognitive functions you can also read some Carl Jung or look into the work of the contemporary MBTI enthusiasts like Dario Nardi (the brain cap is pretty neat), Linda Berens, etc.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Meyers-Briggs personality typing theory. If you want to dig even deeper, besides cognitive functions you can also read some Carl Jung or look into the work of the contemporary MBTI enthusiasts like Dario Nardi (the brain cap is pretty neat), Linda Berens, etc.

You know, it's interesting that Dario seems to refer to himself as a "neuroscience expert". Someone with a background in neuroscience would usually refer to themselves as a neuroscientist, not a neuroscience expert. Also, isn't it funny how this Dario Nardi guy doesn't ever seem to mention having any background in psychology or neuroscience? He is fine with mentioning how he used to teach computing and anthropology at UCLA, suggesting that he has a background in those fields. He also supposedly did his undergrad degree in aerospace engineering. But he never talks about having any sort of background in neuroscience.
Also, I'm not a brain expert but this is giving Franz Joseph Gall:

I am especially weirded out by this mapping for a few reasons, one of them being that this was supposedly based on studies using EEG. EEG has great temporal resolution (it can measure brain activity by the millisecond) but it is well-known for also having poor spatial resolution (refers to the ability of a neuroimaging method to accurately distinguish and locate activity in different regions of the brain). Also, what the fuck is this shit? Like, you have one part of the brain that is responsible for excelling at team sports? Is that what this is implying? What does that even mean? "Sorry guys, the excel at team sports part of my brain is very tiny. I only do well in non-team sports endeavours".

I also can't find any studies by him that were published in any of the major science journals. Instead, a lot of his work seems to be published by Telos Publication, which was coincidentally started by Linda Berens (the other person you mentioned).


Meanwhile, Linda Berens seems to be a marriage, family, and child therapist and an educational psychologist. She has a background in school psychology, counselling, and MFT. She doesn't mention having a background in something, like personality psychology. Reading a bit of this article by her makes her come off as kind of sketchy. It seems like both her and Dario are just grifters, tbh. None of their work seems to be published in any major journals, with a lot of it being self-published. They also seem to sell courses or something? Which is also really sketchy.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

@nihilistic_dragon What is MBTI I have never heard it before?

Don't be too scared off by the MBTI naysayers, it can be a genuinely helpful tool to understand yourself and the people around you, especially how you make decisions. I'd recommend starting off with this test, which measures cognitive functions and gives you a couple different options/explanations for your final result. Another personality typing system I find helpful is the Enneagram, which is best for understanding what motivates you.

It's certainly not "scientific," but that's because personality itself is not and cannot be a scientific concept; there is no such thing as a scientific personality system (no, not even the "Big Five"/OCEAN model). Also, all self-evaluations are inherently flawed, so replicability will always be a problem when it comes to the tests themselves (which is why it's better to read the descriptions of each type and decide for yourself which one aligns best).

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Don't be too scared off by the MBTI naysayers, it can be a genuinely helpful tool to understand yourself and the people around you, especially how you make decisions. I'd recommend starting off with this test, which measures cognitive functions and gives you a couple different options/explanations for your final result. Another personality typing system I find helpful is the Enneagram, which is best for understanding what motivates you.

It's certainly not "scientific," but that's because personality itself is not and cannot be a scientific concept; there is no such thing as a scientific personality system (no, not even the "Big Five"/OCEAN model). Also, all self-evaluations are inherently flawed, so replicability will always be a problem when it comes to the tests themselves (which is why it's better to read the descriptions of each type and decide for yourself which one aligns best).

Dude I think Dario Nardi pretty much busted the opinion that it's not scientific. You can literally see the same patterns in the brains of people with the same personalities, it's quite fascinating. His work is still not very well-known unfortunately so yeah like you said a lot of people still think that MBTI is basically astrology lol.

What's your type?

Also, all self-evaluations are inherently flawed, so replicability will always be a problem when it comes to the tests themselves (which is why it's better to read the descriptions of each type and decide for yourself which one aligns best).

Can also pay someone to type you.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Dude I think Dario Nardi pretty much busted the opinion that it's not scientific. You can literally see the same patterns in the brains of people with the same personalities, it's quite fascinating. His work is still not very well-known unfortunately so yeah like you said a lot of people still think that MBTI is basically astrology lol.

I haven't looked into his work so I can't comment on that specifically, but what I mean when I say it's not "scientific" is that there is no part of the brain that codes for ISTJ or ENTP, or even Ni or Te or what-have-you; it's just a manmade category that can at best approximately map onto a collection of traits.

What's your type?

INTJ, you?

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I haven't looked into his work so I can't comment on that specifically, but what I mean when I say it's not "scientific" is that there is no part of the brain that codes for ISTJ or ENTP, or even Ni or Te or what-have-you; it's just a manmade category that can at best approximately map onto a collection of traits.


INTJ, you?

INTJ also.

Well yeah actually his work does kind of show that. He has a set of questions that he asks people and he can see the same areas light up in people with the same personality types. It's pretty cool.

 

[Amarajoy]

I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I have been there. I found out I am autistic so that explained a lot of the social awkwardness and missed cues, etc.

Maybe try finding some neurodivergent groups to hang with and see if they are more relatable or welcoming. The neurotypical world is very unforgiving.