Insomniac
𝔄 𝔲 𝔱 𝔦 𝔰 𝔪
- May 21, 2021
- 1,357
about 8 weeks ago, I severely beat my dad while he was drunk. He showed up at our house completely drunk and that was it for me.i was going to kill him.
I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.
My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.
my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.
I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.
I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.
My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..
After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.
Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.
the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.
my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.
My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.
my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.
I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.
I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.
My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..
After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.
Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.
the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.
my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
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