hikaru13
memento mori
- Jul 4, 2024
- 25
A little background about myself:
I'm currently 19 and we're both classmates at my university.
So, we met last year in August and became close friends in an instant since we shared a lot of things in common. Fast forward, to this year in January where I started sitting next to him in class since my friend wasn't enrolled yet and he was all alone too so why not keep my friend company? It all started when I asked to hold his hand — but not in an interlocked way— of doing so because I was feeling really cold that time. Well, he agreed and that's where all the clinginess started. He started to slowly move his hand next to mine and hold it, at that time I didn't mind it much knowing me and my friends do that a lot. He has also recently dealing with a tough breakup so I get that he's badly touch deprived. But things kept escalating to the point that he'd hold my waist and thighs in class.
We had this overnight event at school that we attended back in January that changed everything for me. He slept on my lap during the event and we were really close during the event. While we were going back to his place (I had to get my other belongings in there), he held my hand while he slept. I thought to myself "huh, this doesn't feel right", but I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he's my closest friend in that school. We lied in bed together, he was asleep while I was playing a game on his laptop. After I finished playing I went to get some naps too, but then suddenly he woke up and grabbed me by the waist while his face was smothered on my chest. I didn't know what to do that time — I just froze and tried to slowly push him away from me— but when I did that, he only got closer to me. Mind you it's my first time being that close with a guy so I really just tried my best to keep myself sane. I could still remember the way he breathe and held my waist as he slept, while I tried to just sleep because it was overwhelming.
I remember waking up feeling ashamed of myself— being touched by my closest friend that way— so all I wanted was to leave and I did. A few days after that I confronted him about that and we didn't talk for three days. It all felt new and uncomfortable for me, that I'm not together with my friend and that I have no longer anybody to share my stories with. I don't know why but I felt jealous and hurt seeing him with the other friend group hanging out together, and that he left the room without me. I cried that day and I just wanted to fix things with him since it has kept me up for nights. So, in a desperate move we started talking again and my attachment towards him got worse after that.
I went to his place again to finish some school project; we stayed at the rooftop to finish the work there. We started to get close again and then he suddenly placed his hand on my thigh while asking me "is this okay for me to do?" and I didn't know what to say since I'm scared that I'd let him go again so I just let him. The second time I went there, it slowly escalated with him getting closer to that specific point in my body. I felt confused, disgusted, and desperate that I just let him do all of those to me. He knew I was still in a relationship at that time but we were not in good terms and so he was there to comfort me. We started doing things friends don't do, and I think that's where all my attachment roots from.
Now that I'm no longer with my boyfriend, my friend and I began acting like a couple and now I've become obsessed with him but get hurt when he does things that hurts me. We had a lot of fights, one that happened just a few hours ago through text —wanting to let him go — but in the end I still couldn't. I feel like I've gone insane now.
Sorry for the long paragraphs I really need people that could understand me, not just ones that kept blaming me for being stupid.
I'm currently 19 and we're both classmates at my university.
So, we met last year in August and became close friends in an instant since we shared a lot of things in common. Fast forward, to this year in January where I started sitting next to him in class since my friend wasn't enrolled yet and he was all alone too so why not keep my friend company? It all started when I asked to hold his hand — but not in an interlocked way— of doing so because I was feeling really cold that time. Well, he agreed and that's where all the clinginess started. He started to slowly move his hand next to mine and hold it, at that time I didn't mind it much knowing me and my friends do that a lot. He has also recently dealing with a tough breakup so I get that he's badly touch deprived. But things kept escalating to the point that he'd hold my waist and thighs in class.
We had this overnight event at school that we attended back in January that changed everything for me. He slept on my lap during the event and we were really close during the event. While we were going back to his place (I had to get my other belongings in there), he held my hand while he slept. I thought to myself "huh, this doesn't feel right", but I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he's my closest friend in that school. We lied in bed together, he was asleep while I was playing a game on his laptop. After I finished playing I went to get some naps too, but then suddenly he woke up and grabbed me by the waist while his face was smothered on my chest. I didn't know what to do that time — I just froze and tried to slowly push him away from me— but when I did that, he only got closer to me. Mind you it's my first time being that close with a guy so I really just tried my best to keep myself sane. I could still remember the way he breathe and held my waist as he slept, while I tried to just sleep because it was overwhelming.
I remember waking up feeling ashamed of myself— being touched by my closest friend that way— so all I wanted was to leave and I did. A few days after that I confronted him about that and we didn't talk for three days. It all felt new and uncomfortable for me, that I'm not together with my friend and that I have no longer anybody to share my stories with. I don't know why but I felt jealous and hurt seeing him with the other friend group hanging out together, and that he left the room without me. I cried that day and I just wanted to fix things with him since it has kept me up for nights. So, in a desperate move we started talking again and my attachment towards him got worse after that.
I went to his place again to finish some school project; we stayed at the rooftop to finish the work there. We started to get close again and then he suddenly placed his hand on my thigh while asking me "is this okay for me to do?" and I didn't know what to say since I'm scared that I'd let him go again so I just let him. The second time I went there, it slowly escalated with him getting closer to that specific point in my body. I felt confused, disgusted, and desperate that I just let him do all of those to me. He knew I was still in a relationship at that time but we were not in good terms and so he was there to comfort me. We started doing things friends don't do, and I think that's where all my attachment roots from.
Now that I'm no longer with my boyfriend, my friend and I began acting like a couple and now I've become obsessed with him but get hurt when he does things that hurts me. We had a lot of fights, one that happened just a few hours ago through text —wanting to let him go — but in the end I still couldn't. I feel like I've gone insane now.
Sorry for the long paragraphs I really need people that could understand me, not just ones that kept blaming me for being stupid.
