Venting I can't let go of the guilt of leaving others

[Breadbfra]

Hi everyone,

I posted a couple of times in the previous weeks. So, basically, I have decided to CTB definitely. My life is a whole mess and not even IV ketamine treatments (550€ per treatment, to be clear) are doing anything. It's just a cycle of depression and failure after all and I'm tired of living like this.
This Is the First time in 26 years I've really lost all interest to keeping myself alive.
What Is burdening me though is the thought of leaving people around me. I'm an only child and my parents dedicated their whole lives to me and leaving them would destroy their soul. My girlfriend (both girls) believes in suicide as a selfish act and, when we were talking abt suicide two or three months ago, she told me that If I died She wouldn't be able to live again.
I've got also living two loving cousins, Friends, three dogs and even a horse I bought 4 months ago.
You know what makes me suffer? This shit. The thought of leaving all of them, the thought of how they're going to do after.
This Is literally the only thing that's """stopping""" me from ctb'ing.
Any advice?

 

[SecretDissociation]

I know how it feels. I just dropped my therapy 'treatment' today because it made me feel worse, and I swear some therapists lack remorse, but anyway. Just thought I'd try and relate.

I'm in the same boat as you. I think, I almost know that I'm going to ctb soon. Hopefully very soon. But then I think of my rats, and the funeral costs, and the lack of money I'll leave behind (I'll actually end up costing them more).

I think there is no set of advice to help with the guilt of leaving these things behind. But one thing I think is how nothing will matter when I die. I won't think of these things ever again. I will have no guilt when I die, I will have no remorse for my death and the sadness I have caused others, and that helps me. I think, why self-harm? It makes people worried, but then, if they mattered, if things mattered, i wouldn't be this miserable to the point of thinking death, and so, does it actually matter to have these thoughts that guilt me? No, not really, it's just the brain trying to live, your SI kicking in because of our pre-programmed desire to survive.

 

[moya117]

Hi everyone,

I posted a couple of times in the previous weeks. So, basically, I have decided to CTB definitely. My life is a whole mess and not even IV ketamine treatments (550€ per treatment, to be clear) are doing anything. It's just a cycle of depression and failure after all and I'm tired of living like this.
This Is the First time in 26 years I've really lost all interest to keeping myself alive.
What Is burdening me though is the thought of leaving people around me. I'm an only child and my parents dedicated their whole lives to me and leaving them would destroy their soul. My girlfriend (both girls) believes in suicide as a selfish act and, when we were talking abt suicide two or three months ago, she told me that If I died She wouldn't be able to live again.
I've got also living two loving cousins, Friends, three dogs and even a horse I bought 4 months ago.
You know what makes me suffer? This shit. The thought of leaving all of them, the thought of how they're going to do after.
This Is literally the only thing that's """stopping""" me from ctb'ing.
Any advice?

i can relate to you heavily, this is why im still alive right now.

 

[Roadrunner]

I've suffered through the loss of people I've loved dearly. I know it's awful, but time does heal. So the people who will be saddened by my CTB I know will get over it in time. Its the circle of life. Honestly my most guilty is knowing how much my dog will miss me.

 

[Zyntkalla]

I really don't have much guilt of leaving people behind. I have more guilt leaving certain material things that I love behind. I do feel sad about leaving some people behind. Kinda got close to some people at work. My family, i've never been really close to them.I felt close to them. That's why it won't really bother me, leaving them behind.

 

[divinemistress36]

I've suffered through the loss of people I've loved dearly. I know it's awful, but time does heal. So the people who will be saddened by my CTB I know will get over it in time. Its the circle of life. Honestly my most guilty is knowing how much my dog will miss me.

Thats how I feel Im more concerned about my dog than anyone else

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I think of it like this: When I'm dead I won't know or care anymore. Death ends any worries or guilt. It all goes away. Yes, others would still be alive, but... I. Will. Not. Even. Know. It's like, let's bring that shadow of death a little bit forward in time, and there's nothing to it. It scared me a little how it felt like the ground disappeared under my feet and there was nothing to hold me back. I have a switch in my head now that I can flip to remove any prepaid guilt. I think someday... whoosh.

 

[Breadbfra]

Thanks everyone. Well I should behave the same way. I'm starting to warn my girlfriend in hope she would stay away from me a bit more and I stopped hiding my depression. Seeing me like this would probably help her understand more.
My parents are already devastated. I'll Need a strong ego boost to go on