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ChiseHatori

ChiseHatori

Student
Mar 2, 2023
100
My current closest friend confessed he REALLY loved me today and I just... I can't. My BF has been my rock and everything for five years plus. Also my best friend but like elevated you know? Hard to describe but the issue is I have major feelings about both and I can't fucking do anything about it, I'm so fucking selfish. I want to just dissappear forever, CTB or at the very least go off the grid forever but I would feel like such an ass I can't ghost or block people let alone... that.

I don't understand why anyone likes me!! I am annoying, disabled, autistic, trauma filled to the brim... you name it I got it!! I've always been a fucking burden I just wish I wasn't so good at hiding it with humor and my art etc. My friend didn't even realize I could be suicidal until I admitted it even though it looked so obvious to me, guess that's how it is... anyway...

I've just been shaking and panicking and I feel like such a privileged idiot, everyone here on this site deserves this love so so so so so much more than me. God. God! I hope I can somehow channel it out of me and into one of you when I die! Fuck! Help me!!
 
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pinstripe

Member
Jul 31, 2025
25
Polyamory out of the question?

Either way you have a wonderful amount of love to give and that's nice to see
 
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ChiseHatori

ChiseHatori

Student
Mar 2, 2023
100
Polyamory out of the question?

Either way you have a wonderful amount of love to give and that's nice to see
I tried that once and everyone but me got jeleous of each other. I can't do it again and I know at least my bf would not be willing. I can't force that and I wouldn't want to. I think they all deserve better than whatever they're getting from me but thank you for the nice comment.
 
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Dejected 55

Dejected 55

Warlock
May 7, 2025
753
I can't even imagine what it is like to have one person like me a little, much less have one or more people profess love for me. I'm not saying that might not come with difficulties... but I can't even fathom the fortune of being loved at all, much less having a choice of people who love me.
 
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pinstripe

Member
Jul 31, 2025
25
I can't even imagine what it is like to have one person like me a little, much less have one or more people profess love for me. I'm not saying that might not come with difficulties... but I can't even fathom the fortune of being loved at all, much less having a choice of people who love me.
Different issues and both are very valid.

I tried that once and everyone but me got jeleous of each other. I can't do it again and I know at least my bf would not be willing. I can't force that and I wouldn't want to. I think they all deserve better than whatever they're getting from me but thank you for the nice comment.
Yeah polyamory need a lot of communication and the ideal of everyone being a team can be odd to manifest. The dream would be each pair of people want to team up together and do something nice for the 3rd person.

Either way I'm sorry it's so rough in your brain with all this.
 
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derpyderpins

derpyderpins

missing everybody
Sep 19, 2023
2,114
I don't understand why anyone likes me!! I am annoying, disabled, autistic, trauma filled to the brim... you name it I got it!! I've always been a fucking burden I just wish I wasn't so good at hiding it with humor and my art etc. My friend didn't even realize I could be suicidal until I admitted it even though it looked so obvious to me, guess that's how it is... anyway...
A regular discussion topic I have with my wife is that - even putting self-esteem aside - women often have a disconnect with men in terms of what the man is looking for. Find a girl cute? Seeing her smile makes you happy? Then she's not annoying; and trauma, disability, and autism are just character that make her special. The girl we like being a burden isn't something that could cross our minds, we'd probably love if they put more weight on our shoulders.

___________________

Onto your actual issue. The real talk is that the best outcome is going to be one of them having their hearts broken. You killing yourself or running off to the woods just breaks two hearts and also deeply traumatizes them.

I don't know your age, but you've been in a romantic relationship with your boyfriend for 5 years. Having a friend that close who is the opposite sex wasn't a good idea in the first place for the sake of your relationship. Think about what love is. Your friend says he loves you . . . you haven't even been on a date. He has a crush on you, perhaps a major crush, which I can relate to, but thinking it's the same as deeply forged love is wearing his naivety on his sleeve.

Movies are lies. If your relationship with your boyfriend is good and you left it for the friend, that is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on that new relationship, that you left something so established to be with someone who gets butterflies thinking about you but hasn't done any of the foundational building of getting to know your relationship self. The proper thing for him to do was not put this burden on you. If you and your boyfriend broke up at some point, maybe it could have worked, but essentially asking you to break up for him is asking for trouble.

Makes me think of what I often say when it comes to "nice" guys: niceness is not automatically goodness. Him being "nice" to you and becoming your close friend while you were in a relationship with another man for so many years was not goodness. [And if he knew you before the boyfriend relationship started, the proper time to confess was right then or earlier, otherwise step aside and let you try to secure happiness.]
 
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dialogos

dialogos

Experienced
Jul 5, 2023
277
you're blessed! you just can't face the fact you have to tell one of them that you're already committed to another. you know what? it would hurt the other guy more if you don't say the truth. I know you don't like hurting people but speaking from experience, that person will respect you and i don't think your friendship will be destroyed at all. your besty might need time to recover but would still enjoy your company as a friend rather than lose you. this has happened a million times already in human history, it's one of the oldest stories of time. majority turned out well. don't lose hope
 
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monetpompo

monetpompo

૮ • ﻌ - ა
Apr 21, 2025
357
you're blessed! you just can't face the fact you have to tell one of them that you're already committed to another. you know what? it would hurt the other guy more if you don't say the truth. I know you don't like hurting people but speaking from experience, that person will respect you and i don't think your friendship will be destroyed at all. your besty might need time to recover but would still enjoy your company as a friend rather than lose you. this has happened a million times already in human history, it's one of the oldest stories of time. majority turned out well. don't lose hope
hard agree. chise is going to have to turn down her friend. it's the only thing to do. i don't think that it's fair that her best friend confessed at all when it would only end in him getting rejected, since they can't all be in a relationship. i think that she should distance herself from her friend if he has romantic feelings towards her, since he's only going to keep holding his feelings if they stay close.

as someone who was in a pining position for someone that had no romantic feelings for me, it just hurts more to keep being friends with them.
 
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cat_enjoyer22

cat_enjoyer22

Member
Jul 3, 2025
13
I think the best choice would be to decide quickly and be honest with yourself, just my opinion.

I'm glad you're receiving some love at least!!
 
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ChiseHatori

ChiseHatori

Student
Mar 2, 2023
100
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. Truthfully, I know I'm being selfish with wanting to run away but that's just my default... I'm not built to handle pressure, and I can't reject people, I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb anyway so it's just that last straw sort of thing... another reason I don't get why anyone would put up with me, I'm super unstable!

So is CTB selfish? It almost always hurts people and breaks their hearts. I don't really have family so I would honestly be hurting less people than the average person who does it.

I know it's all up to personal opinions but the way I'm feeling right now and with everything else in my life I just don't see the point of continuing any relationships at all when I would rather just skip to the end of it all. When it causes this much pain and grief and guilt especially. My one comfort was my friends and when that gets lost to complicated feelings and people being jealous of each other it's all just... I don't know.
 
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calebzz1

calebzz1

What is it like to see single and clearly?
Jan 6, 2024
92
I can't even imagine what it is like to have one person like me a little, much less have one or more people profess love for me. I'm not saying that might not come with difficulties... but I can't even fathom the fortune of being loved at all, much less having a choice of people who love me.
Off-topic but I really like your profile picture, seems super surreal.
 

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