Venting I can't stop crying

[w1ngedpearl]

Mom went for a walk. I'm completely alone rn for the first time after these shitty days. Caught a cold, it somehow works like distraction from my terrible thoughts, lol. Anyway, still feel extremely ashamed of myself, especially when I told my mom "Do you think I was joking when I called grandma crying and saying I wanna end my life?". I feel like I'm crazy, hate that feeling. I preferred wearing a mask of a normie in front of everyone, at least it didn't felt like I'm "strange" or insane. I need to distract more and watch youtube. I love to talk to myself when I'm alone - It helps me to process different feelings and events. Now I wanna stay silent - I'm so disgusted by myself, don't want to hear my own voice. I'm a bit anxious about flying to my birth city, because I have no idea how things will go. I know for sure that I'll feel like a stranger and an outcast - not only because I'm not used to being there but because I did so much shit and am ashamed of my body, voice, personality, presence, existence, everything. My brother will 100% make some toxic comments about me. Grandma told that she gifted him 12000$ for graduating with honors. Believe it or not, I'm not envious. I didn't feel anything at all. He deserved. I would waste these money anyway - I would spend them left and right on the stupidiest shit like a new phone, computer, clothes, my favorite food - something useless for entertainment.

I've talked to my boyfriend an hour ago. He makes me feel like I'm in heaven, lol. My mood is always a bit better when i'm with him. Life is still shit but I must distract as much as I can. What else do I have except the ability to dream? Right, nothing.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

upd. We will drive to the airport in 30 minutes. SN stayed here, I put the package in one of my bags. :) Very glad my mom didn't see it. It's very cheap and easy to get in my country but I like it to be here just in case. Hope I can easy return when I need it because CTB is obviously impossible when I'm at my mom's house. If anyone reads this shit, wish me luck because I'm very nervous.

 

[themindian]

upd. If anyone remembers, I cut and threw away almost all of my documents except the international passport (it's a part of my life's best period when I traveled a lot thanks to my mom). Now my grandma called my mom, I heard how she asked about my citizen passport - what did I do to it, if I cut it or smth. Mom refused to talk about it, changed the topic. I felt ashamed. I don't want to talk about this shit and that terrible day. I know my grandma will ask more but I feel it's so shameful to deal with it. They will discuss it with my mom more (already discussed 100%, lol) but I refuse to participate in the conversation. For them, it was an idiotic and stupic act - for me, it was an attempt to cut all ties to prepare for suicide. I want to forget it. I would never want to show myself that way. I want to have a normie mask again, I want to appear a normal human to them, to feel that I worth something (the feeling would be fake but Idgaf). I don't want to be treated as a sick person. I don't want to be myself.

upd. I don't give a shit about therapy. I care only about being able to not worry about money, sit in my room and do nothing. Guess I will never mention my wish to commit suicide in future. I don't trust psychiatrists. They will easily tell my darkest thoughts to relatives - the law allows it. Fuck them all and everything else.

Hey I just wanted to validate the fact that just because you're human, you deserve happiness, because being human and being alive is just reason enough alone to have happiness. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I mean I actually struggle a lot with happiness too but I come from a whole different battlefield than you. You clearly don't have a lot of money or resources or friends or anything like that, see I do have those things and I think I know how you feel when you say that you just wanted to either play video games or commit suicide because, I think the problem is that our core, we just don't think we deserve happiness and maybe it would be good to have someone validate that for you, like what I'm trying to do for you here.

You 100% deserve all the happiness in the world just for being human. No weird strings attached, no weird obligations, just you sir or ma'am are good enough to be as joyful as if you were dancing in the forest freely to the most beautiful music in the world haha.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I've arrived at my childhood home. Obviously, I feel like an outcast. My brother didn't say a single word to me. Hope he won't make any toxic comments later. He 100% dislikes me and feels ashamed to have such sister as me. No idea how much I'll stay here, maybe for a month or more. I don't know what I want and what my future will be like. I don't want to "fix" anything. Everything here reminds me of the time I was worth something. I want to become a ghost and disappear. I don't want to be here. I hear my mom and brother talking and feel like a stranger even more. They are so... alive? My brother is casually speaking about his studying and his life. I feel like shit. I feel like a stray dog who was allowed to stay out of pity. I wish I was brave enough to end my life the day I planned before. I hate myself. I'm tired of being a burden. I've always dreamt of being someone else. I want to eat but I feel ashamed even to breathe because I just waste food and money for no reason. I'm gonna stay in a bed in my room.

upd. I'm sure they won't leave me alone. Yeah, maybe first days will be easy because I "need to rest after the flight", "get used to the place" and so on but later... They will judge me for staying in my room and doing nothing except using my phone and computer. My mom probably thinks that one psychotherapy session and prescribed meds will fix me, then I'll feel happy and go to work immediately, lol. Why am I such a failure? Sometimes I feel everything that happens to me isn't real. I shouldn't have come here.

upd. I love to do manicure, I've been doing it for 5 years. It's the only entertainment I have. Nails is the prettiest part of me. Now I feel that I don't give a shit. This week I should redo my manicure. Firstly, Idk how I should ask my mom. I've told her before and she said "I know it's important for you" but I'm extremely ashamed. I feel like I'm not allowed to ask anything. Secondly, it's waste of money anyway. I'm still ugly and don't deserve it. I'm so much tired.

upd. I used to dream of becoming rich to pay my debts, buy whatever I want and travel. Now I dream of becoming rich to give money to my mom and then CTB.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

My brother went to the university. He locked his room but probably doesn't understand it can be opened easily from outside with a firm thin object like a card, lol. I think he locked it because I'm at home. I lurked into his room. I know it's "bad" to do but I don't care, I didn't steal anything and just checked a few things and left everything like it's untouched. He has so many certificates and achievements, he graduated from university with honors. It killed me again. I have fucking nothing. I worth nothing. I know, I do nothing but keep whining and wallowing in self-pity but I don't give a shit. I hate myself so much. It was a mistake coming here. I don't want to do anything or see anyone.

upd. Never expected to admit it but I miss those days when me and my brother spent time together, when he told me something about his interests or favorite games. I miss being a child when all I had to worry about was eating well, playing enough and sleeping. I want to stay alone, not just in my room but completely alone. I failed being an adult, failed my life, just let me rot completely and CTB.

 

[w1ngedpearl]

Wish I was never born.
I don't want to be here, it sucks to be dependent. My mom is 60 years old (don't worry, she is a businesswoman and earns enough money, lol) and here I am being a burden on her in my 20s. I wish I had money to leave. Everything in the world is about money. Idk how I'm supposed to act. Maybe I should stop feeling so "shy", just admit "Yeah I'm insane and a failure, fuck you all" and behave as I want? I can't. It's hard to pose as "someone cool who doesn't give a fuck" when your "coolness" ends with mom's money.
I feel even more lonely here than in my previous city. This kind of loneliness is the worst — I feel like I'm "that strange guy" and an outcast. I hate hearing how they talk, how alive they are. I should've stayed (or just ended my life, it's better).

 

[w1ngedpearl]

I'm tired of crying. I don't want to be here. I feel so ashamed to talk, to eat, to breathe, to exist, to be myself. Why didn't I just end my pathetic life? It's so suffocating to be a burden. I don't want to leave my room.