ready 2 go
done with life
- Apr 16, 2020
- 50
In September 2016, (a year and a half after I first developed depression + 3 months after my first suicide attempt + hospitalization) I walked 40 minutes after school to an abandoned car park. It was 15 stories high and I was so sure that this was it. When I got within sight of it, I could see that the ground floor was bordered up with construction cardboard, but nobody had been working on it in years. I began worrying how I was going to get in. I got to the building and walked around it twice looking for an entrance. There was a gap I could slip through at the side. But there was a man and his son playing football by it. I didn't want to interrupt and push past them, as it would raise suspicions.
Knowing I didn't have much time before my parents wondered where I was, (I said I was going for a walk) I panicked and speed walked home. My mom was concerned and picked me up at the top of the road near our house. She was like "Where'd you really go?" Drenched in sweat and completely disassociated, I didn't speak a word to her. I never told anyone where I went, or what I was planning on doing that day. I went into school the next day. Like always stayed quiet and pretended that nothing was wrong. 3 months later I was sectioned for another pathetic overdose. And then again in July 2018.
It wasn't until about 2 years later I came to the realization that I could have just waited until the man and the boy were gone. I could have just pushed passed them. I was so angry at myself. The building's still there to this day. All 15 stories. But I live an hours drive away from there now. I don't have a driver's license. There's a 3 story bridge 5 minutes walk from by house. By that won't kill me and I'll just end up paralyzed. I've decided on hanging, but I'll always prefer to go by jumping.
Feel free to talk about your attempts if you'd like
Knowing I didn't have much time before my parents wondered where I was, (I said I was going for a walk) I panicked and speed walked home. My mom was concerned and picked me up at the top of the road near our house. She was like "Where'd you really go?" Drenched in sweat and completely disassociated, I didn't speak a word to her. I never told anyone where I went, or what I was planning on doing that day. I went into school the next day. Like always stayed quiet and pretended that nothing was wrong. 3 months later I was sectioned for another pathetic overdose. And then again in July 2018.
It wasn't until about 2 years later I came to the realization that I could have just waited until the man and the boy were gone. I could have just pushed passed them. I was so angry at myself. The building's still there to this day. All 15 stories. But I live an hours drive away from there now. I don't have a driver's license. There's a 3 story bridge 5 minutes walk from by house. By that won't kill me and I'll just end up paralyzed. I've decided on hanging, but I'll always prefer to go by jumping.
Feel free to talk about your attempts if you'd like
