Venting I dislike my mother

[d-tea]

I don't think I even remember ever liking my mother. It's not that she did this horrible thing and abused me or anything, she's just an insufferable and disgusting person in my opinion. Here's a list to explain!

She doesn't wash her hands after going to the toilet
She's loud and talks while eating, and gets upset when I tell her that it bothers me; no ability to sense others discomfort aswell, when she's being loud and obnoxious in a public place.
She has always barged into my room without knocking.
I have never had any issue with people being fat but for some reason it disgusts me that she is chubby. I have never felt that way about someone's weight before.
I also have something like misophobia when I hear her chewing or breathing very loudly, it makes me panic, want to get out of the situation or destroy the source behind the sound (wild overreaction on my part but that's how it is idk).
She can't be wrong, she stands her ground and gets louder even if someone is actively disproving her and if she realizes they are not backing down and are clearly right she seems irritated and agrees to disagree.
She smokes a lot. In the car. With other people in the car. In the house. With other people in the house. With the dogs in the house. At least she waits until after everyone has finished eating to smoke. You can't talk to her about it, she'll get upset at even the mention of her smoking habits. When I get upset about her smoking in my face and create distance, she also gets upset and says that it never used to bother me... like... as a child...
Great.
She always cooks for herself, even tho she could reasonably cook for all of us. She uses my dad being pescetarian(veggie + eating fish) as an excuse, and just doesn't cook for me idk.
She works 20h a week when my dad is working his ass off to pay off the house they bought. She could work a 40h week with no issue, she's healthy; just doesn't want to. And then she goes on weekend trips alone and spends tons of money on temu packages....
Doesn't contribute, no chores. Maybe she sweeps the floor and does the dishes every once in a while. She DOES put effort into the garden, to be fair. But my dad does the laundry, usually the dishes, the cleaning. I'm not home often but I could also do more... anyways.
She also lies. We had an agreement that she'd walk the dogs in the morning, she agreed to do it, then later changed ger mind and argued we agreed only during the week, not on weekends... fine. If only she'd actually do it. I tie a knot into the leashes in the evening just to get home from work the next day and realise it's still there. I ask her about the dogs poop and behaviour during the walk and she makes up some shit. She actually walks them maybe once or twice a week...
We have huskies. They need at least a little walk in the morning. Just the garden isn't enough.
And then she complains that I should be doing more with the dog and all her behavioural issues would be corrected. On the other hand, she talks about our younger dog like she's the most well behaved dog when SHE walks her. Like SHE doesn't have that issue with our dog, the dog never pulls on the leash when SHE walks her....
Sure. How can someone be so delusional? It's like if she repeats something often enough, it's true.
She also had no understanding of mental illness and suffering. In her mind, the only "real" depressed people are completely non functioning, the others are just pretending. She called Chester Bennington when he caught the bus "selfish" because he had a family. Like he wasn't clearly sick and suffering?
When I was 11, the police came by for a welfare check bc of some stuff I'd said online (scariest experience of my life lol). My mother actually went to the kitchen and laughed her ass off because she CANNOT imagine me having any issues and being depressed because I come across as very happy and functional. Managed to convince the police it was just an online role play taken too seriously (LOL) but yeah.
I don't really like my mom.

 

[gothbird]

Reading this, I can't help but wonder if your mum is unwell in some way. Not necessarily in the obvious "bed ridden and fragile" sense, but the patterns you describe with the smoking despite everyone's discomfort, the defensiveness, the strange stubbornness, the poor hygiene, the withdrawal from cooking and chores...those can be signs of someone struggling with health issues, physical or mental.

Sometimes people who are sick don't present as sympathetic. They can come off as selfish, detached, or "insufferable" as you put it, because illness makes them self absorbed, tired, irritable, and less able to care for others. I know I suffer with that sometimes. Even the denial can itself be a symptom of someone unwilling or unable to face their own decline.

That doesn't erase the frustration you feel. You've had to live with her behaviour and it sounds exhausting. But from the outside it almost reads less like a list of personality flaws and more like someone who is unwell and possibly has been for a long time.

 

[princexhhn]

These sound like valid reasons to dislike someone, no?

 

[TBONTB]

I don't think I even remember ever liking my mother. It's not that she did this horrible thing and abused me or anything, she's just an insufferable and disgusting person in my opinion. Here's a list to explain!

She doesn't wash her hands after going to the toilet
She's loud and talks while eating, and gets upset when I tell her that it bothers me; no ability to sense others discomfort aswell, when she's being loud and obnoxious in a public place.
She has always barged into my room without knocking.
I have never had any issue with people being fat but for some reason it disgusts me that she is chubby. I have never felt that way about someone's weight before.
I also have something like misophobia when I hear her chewing or breathing very loudly, it makes me panic, want to get out of the situation or destroy the source behind the sound (wild overreaction on my part but that's how it is idk).
She can't be wrong, she stands her ground and gets louder even if someone is actively disproving her and if she realizes they are not backing down and are clearly right she seems irritated and agrees to disagree.
She smokes a lot. In the car. With other people in the car. In the house. With other people in the house. With the dogs in the house. At least she waits until after everyone has finished eating to smoke. You can't talk to her about it, she'll get upset at even the mention of her smoking habits. When I get upset about her smoking in my face and create distance, she also gets upset and says that it never used to bother me... like... as a child...
Great.
She always cooks for herself, even tho she could reasonably cook for all of us. She uses my dad being pescetarian(veggie + eating fish) as an excuse, and just doesn't cook for me idk.
She works 20h a week when my dad is working his ass off to pay off the house they bought. She could work a 40h week with no issue, she's healthy; just doesn't want to. And then she goes on weekend trips alone and spends tons of money on temu packages....
Doesn't contribute, no chores. Maybe she sweeps the floor and does the dishes every once in a while. She DOES put effort into the garden, to be fair. But my dad does the laundry, usually the dishes, the cleaning. I'm not home often but I could also do more... anyways.
She also lies. We had an agreement that she'd walk the dogs in the morning, she agreed to do it, then later changed ger mind and argued we agreed only during the week, not on weekends... fine. If only she'd actually do it. I tie a knot into the leashes in the evening just to get home from work the next day and realise it's still there. I ask her about the dogs poop and behaviour during the walk and she makes up some shit. She actually walks them maybe once or twice a week...
We have huskies. They need at least a little walk in the morning. Just the garden isn't enough.
And then she complains that I should be doing more with the dog and all her behavioural issues would be corrected. On the other hand, she talks about our younger dog like she's the most well behaved dog when SHE walks her. Like SHE doesn't have that issue with our dog, the dog never pulls on the leash when SHE walks her....
Sure. How can someone be so delusional? It's like if she repeats something often enough, it's true.
She also had no understanding of mental illness and suffering. In her mind, the only "real" depressed people are completely non functioning, the others are just pretending. She called Chester Bennington when he caught the bus "selfish" because he had a family. Like he wasn't clearly sick and suffering?
When I was 11, the police came by for a welfare check bc of some stuff I'd said online (scariest experience of my life lol). My mother actually went to the kitchen and laughed her ass off because she CANNOT imagine me having any issues and being depressed because I come across as very happy and functional. Managed to convince the police it was just an online role play taken too seriously (LOL) but yeah.
I don't really like my mom.

You make a pretty compelling case for not liking your Mom. Sorry for that.

 

[d-tea]

Reading this, I can't help but wonder if your mum is unwell in some way. Not necessarily in the obvious "bed ridden and fragile" sense, but the patterns you describe with the smoking despite everyone's discomfort, the defensiveness, the strange stubbornness, the poor hygiene, the withdrawal from cooking and chores...those can be signs of someone struggling with health issues, physical or mental.

Sometimes people who are sick don't present as sympathetic. They can come off as selfish, detached, or "insufferable" as you put it, because illness makes them self absorbed, tired, irritable, and less able to care for others. I know I suffer with that sometimes. Even the denial can itself be a symptom of someone unwilling or unable to face their own decline.

That doesn't erase the frustration you feel. You've had to live with her behaviour and it sounds exhausting. But from the outside it almost reads less like a list of personality flaws and more like someone who is unwell and possibly has been for a long time.

Maybe, but I honestly do believe she ist just a very self centered, egotistical person and gets away with it because my dad lets her. I don't think she is mentally ill, even tho she clearly has some issues and is delusional (I think by choice, ignorance is bliss) about some stuff. She is fairly intelligent and does offer good advice when it comes to, for example, taxes and such. She gets to live the good life, go on vacation alone or with her friends, buys stuff she doesn't need, tends to her garden, all while barely giving anything back. She does brush her teeth and shower and change her clothes, just doesn't care to wash her hands after doing her business. She cooks for herself just fine, I think she just doesn't care to do anything for others if she doesn't have to.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with a mom that you dislike like that~ :( The whole thing about her refusal to do chores while she works half as much as your dad sounds ridiculous to me~ >_< It's not like she's even taking good care of you or an elderly family member from what it sounds like either~ >_<

 

[gothbird]

Maybe, but I honestly do believe she ist just a very self centered, egotistical person and gets away with it because my dad lets her. I don't think she is mentally ill, even tho she clearly has some issues and is delusional (I think by choice, ignorance is bliss) about some stuff. She is fairly intelligent and does offer good advice when it comes to, for example, taxes and such. She gets to live the good life, go on vacation alone or with her friends, buys stuff she doesn't need, tends to her garden, all while barely giving anything back. She does brush her teeth and shower and change her clothes, just doesn't care to wash her hands after doing her business. She cooks for herself just fine, I think she just doesn't care to do anything for others if she doesn't have to.

I get what you're saying. I've carried a lot of hatred towards my own mother too, and I don't speak to her anymore. So I understand that feeling of just not seeing anything redeemable, not being able to excuse it. Some people are simply selfish (even if they are sick).

Whether it's illness or choice, the effect on us is the same: we grow up feeling invisible, unheard, and unwanted. And after years of that, sometimes the healthiest thing is just to walk away. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[Rockman]

Full blown narcissism at its peak. Run forest run.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, I'd recommend getting some distance, you're feeling beholden and it's the goofier stuff like not walking the dogs that rubs in the irritability, been there done that..

But in this economy?

Also, expect even seemingly okay people to take advantage and attempt to replicate that role. In fairness that's "just fucking around" while the parents are alive, but it gets real opportunistic when people smell grief, and anything you might do to imagine or roleplay a 'huh, it's easy to not be so dysfunctional' family fantasy will sting when you're in regrets about what couldn't be done for the real thing.


Also kind of upvoting the 'they probably have health stuff too,' but if it's health stuff you can't participate in alleviating, I don't know. Smoking is a real mixed bag, so with tobacco keep in mind it's basically medication, but it does stink so been on both sides of that myself.

Anyway, in a functioning world there should be a healthy way to allow yourself some distance and in this one, good luck.

I'll also throw in, poor sleep, poor nutrition, anything that increases norepinephrine.. feeds that irritability and misophonia and so on. I'm real find of sharing that if vegetarian really start taking chlorella advice, because that fed mine in a similar scenario.. but bad time to get too strung out on SNRIs or ADD meds.

Edit: Seeing the 'run' advice in the other comments, *some* distance will let you decide if you need to run, or just need your own personal time and space and can then do what you can but not feel imposed on by proximity 24/7. The gaslighting is concerning but, if it's a "mild cognitive impairment" something can be done for, I don't know what the chances of that are.