Venting I dont know how much i can take anymore

[Wilt-On-High]

My parents are arguing again.
They've been at it since I was like 5?
Well today my Father has decided to move out again.
(He always says he's gonna move out then packs up his stuff and then he gets back together with mother and he unpacks his stuff again or he packs his stuff up and leaves but then after a few days he makes up with Mother and he comes back.

I'm fucking sick of this
I'm suffering under his Mainly Narcissistic abuse. He accuses me of taking things (when it was him, he just forgets) and shouts at me for it.
My Maths exams are coming up (Cause I failed them in school so im retaking them) And I don't think I'm going to pass... People say "OH it's okay if you don't pass your maths!" DON'T BELIEVE THEM. Maths and English determines your life. I've passed my English exam (I was very tired when I did them the first time that's why I didn't pass) but I keep failing my maths and if i don't pass them I don't see what's the point in living anymore.

My dream job as a train driver?
GONE. just like that.
I'll probably be Homeless or relying on drugs to get me by whilst everyone surpasses me like they are doing right now.

Mother told me this morning that I failed all stages of school in my life (Reception, primary school, secondary school)
And she said that I'll be dropped by everyone (not like that but everyone is whizzing past me in terms of, knowing what they want to do in their lives whilst I'm going to be left behind.)

I wish I wasn't autistic
I wish I didn't have a learning disability
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was tall
I wish I wasn't ugly
I wish I never had to rely on cutting
I wish I wasn't a scared little mess
I wish I was talented
I wish I was liked
I wish I passed all of my GCSEs
I wish I wasn't a failure
I wish I could be loved
I wish I could be a perfect child
I wish I was a boy (not in a trans way)
I wish I wasn't me
I wish I wasn't born

17:25pm
MY FUCKING DAD JUST CALLED ME A LIAR AND SAID I COVERED MY LITTLE SIBLINGS MOUTH TO SHUT HER UP EHEN THIS NEVER HAPPEND AND CALLED ME A LITTLE STUPID FUCKI G BITXH

FUCK.

 

[wantingdignity]

I hope that the situation you are in ends soon. Whatever you can do to separate yourself from your dad, do it. If you can't leave the house, do everything you can to create boundaries. I know toxic people are not great at following boundaries, but do whatever you can.

Give yourself some grace. It is very difficult to focus on studying when there's fighting in the home. Your dad coming and going like that is very stressful and is literally raising the levels of stress hormones in your brain. Constant negative criticism does that too. My parent's fighting and eventual divorce messed with me for a while. I now have a good relationship with my mom. My dad is someone I have to keep at a distance.

Are there any accomodations that you can get for your exams? My older brother has autism and they let him take his tests in a separate room.

I hope that things improve for you! Being a train driver would be a really cool job.

 

[Wilt-On-High]

I hope that the situation you are in ends soon. Whatever you can do to separate yourself from your dad, do it. If you can't leave the house, do everything you can to create boundaries. I know toxic people are not great at following boundaries, but do whatever you can.

Give yourself some grace. It is very difficult to focus on studying when there's fighting in the home. Your dad coming and going like that is very stressful and is literally raising the levels of stress hormones in your brain. Constant negative criticism does that too. My parent's fighting and eventual divorce messed with me for a while. I now have a good relationship with my mom. My dad is someone I have to keep at a distance.

Are there any accomodations that you can get for your exams? My older brother has autism and they let him take his tests in a separate room.

I hope that things improve for you! Being a train driver would be a really cool job.

FIRSTLY THANK YOU :33
I really do hope I become a train driver someday...


secondly I usually get 25% Extra time and I sit in a smaller room rather than the sports hall.

And not only my father...
It's also my mother too.
She can sometimes come off as a bully
And the stuff that she has said to me (called me a devil in disguise, said me and my father are going to burn in hell, called me stupid, dumb, said how she wouldn't care if I killed myself TWICE! + my Father said that too! And so much other shit)

Thanks for understanding though!
I appreciate it

 

[wantingdignity]

That sounds like it's exhausting, coming from both parents. I hope you know that it's completely normal to not want to be in that environment and for your mind to want a way out of it. You are playing life on hard mode right now, so don't beat yourself up when you see people getting ahead of you while on easy mode.

Have you seen Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Safety and security is right at the bottom of the pyramid. If you don't feel safe at home (a family member threatening to leave, abuse, neglect, etc), it makes sense that your body and mind want to focus on it.

I have loved ones that failed high school. Both were able to eventually get their GEDs (it's the US's adult general education certificate). Both of them are employed. One of them is a final candidate at their dream job and will hopefully get it.

Worse case scenario, you fail and you can't become a train driver now. That doesn't affect your value as a human being. That doesn't mean that you'll be stuck forever. It would just mean that you need to find a way to get the help you need to pass next time, or find something else to do for now. I really wanted to become a teacher, but I had a mental breakdown as a young adult and couldn't finish college. I had to drop out, go in patient twice, do an outpatient program, and start my life over. I lived nearly ten good years after that. I'm only back here because of a traumatic event and experiencing relationship abuse. I know now that it's time to start over again. It's my worst case scenario, but I'm learning how to handle it.

If you do find a way to get out of the abuse, i would take it. I don't know if you have other trusted adults that would let you stay with them, or if there are any resources where you are to help. I don't know what you need to do, but please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and mutual respect. I'm so sorry that that's not what you're receiving

 

[AmataBlank]

sorry if I was your situation i will ctb as fast of possible like my family doesn't really argue with me because they know I will die next day lol

 

[Wilt-On-High]

sorry if I was your situation i will ctb as fast of possible like my family doesn't really argue with me because they know I will die next day lol

Understandable...

That sounds like it's exhausting, coming from both parents. I hope you know that it's completely normal to not want to be in that environment and for your mind to want a way out of it. You are playing life on hard mode right now, so don't beat yourself up when you see people getting ahead of you while on easy mode.

Have you seen Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Safety and security is right at the bottom of the pyramid. If you don't feel safe at home (a family member threatening to leave, abuse, neglect, etc), it makes sense that your body and mind want to focus on it.

I have loved ones that failed high school. Both were able to eventually get their GEDs (it's the US's adult general education certificate). Both of them are employed. One of them is a final candidate at their dream job and will hopefully get it.

Worse case scenario, you fail and you can't become a train driver now. That doesn't affect your value as a human being. That doesn't mean that you'll be stuck forever. It would just mean that you need to find a way to get the help you need to pass next time, or find something else to do for now. I really wanted to become a teacher, but I had a mental breakdown as a young adult and couldn't finish college. I had to drop out, go in patient twice, do an outpatient program, and start my life over. I lived nearly ten good years after that. I'm only back here because of a traumatic event and experiencing relationship abuse. I know now that it's time to start over again. It's my worst case scenario, but I'm learning how to handle it.

If you do find a way to get out of the abuse, i would take it. I don't know if you have other trusted adults that would let you stay with them, or if there are any resources where you are to help. I don't know what you need to do, but please be kind to yourself. You deserve to be treated with kindness and mutual respect. I'm so sorry that that's not what you're receiving

Thank you so much for listening :)
But my mind is just fixated on CTB that I'm sure that I'm not going to make it to my 20s (or past it)
I'm just scared of failing and ending up in a worse state and/or dying and never being able to do anything ever again.

(The reason for the slash is because its either both of the reasons stopping me from CTB or just one of them)

You deserve to be treated with kindness as well! Thank you so much!