Help I don't know what to do....

[cookiencream]

I really need help. I've been planning to ctb for a while and now that everything is finally in place....I'm too scared to do it. Now before you say "wrong forum" the reason I came here is because this happened last time and I told my parents and friends in hopes maybe I can try recovery to get better. But I feel like because I'm only trying to get better because I'm scared to die or because I have nothing better to do. I always circle back to suicide. I want to know if anyone else has dealt with this and if there's a way for me to break this cycle. Perhaps without me dying.
I'm wondering if I should try antidepressants. Brute forcing and therapy aren't working for me

 

[Eriktf]

hope you get better

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[getoutgirl]

Not the wrong forum, probably the good one to deal with this.
And yeah I totally get that, I have no easy solutions tho :( rather get that out of the way. I've also wasted the past years of my life circling back to suicidality after meagre attempts at recovery. With hope that fades and it's unclear and directionless anyways most of the time, while the underlaying suicidality is always there, it just gets to a point on how good you can get at ignoring it while you manage the rest. And yeah... if you are suicidally depressed there's only so much you can ask of your brain to suddenly give you life motivations or worthy reasons to stay. It will gravitate to depression.

I'm sorry you had an attempt for so soon, and that you are also living with a lot of fear rn due to it. It might mean it's not best for you to die right now. I don't think you really "want to". But I also know how staying in that limbo of not wanting to die, but also not wanting to live, feels so awful and aimless.
Truth is it's hard work to break the cycle, very posible for most people, but hard to manage to get there without dying first.

Sucks therapy isn't working for you rn. Don't know how long you've been in it but the resource page has a lot of alternatives for when some don't work. Everyone has their own needs and nothing works for everyone.
brute forcing hasn't worked for me at all too lol. I wish. You kinda have to use some to get by, but it can be all.
and antidepressants... might aswell try yeah imo. They work for a lot of people, make it easier at least which is something I'm pretty sure we'd be grateful for.
If you wanna give those a try, can't promise but if the alternative is just dying, then yeah I don't see why you shouldn't.
+ this forum has great resources. Some have helped me more that some professionals. So check them out in time if u want too.

but for now just take it easy if you can. You don't seem to be doing or feeling too good rn. take some time out if you need it, do whatever makes you feel a bit better. at least for now.
also if u ever wanna talk or vent here and you think that might help, please do.
again sorry ur going through this, big hugs <3

 

[ElTopo]

But I feel like because I'm only trying to get better because I'm scared to die

That's a good enough reason, lol.
I feel like we tend to jump start to dying as a solution, because it deletes everything, it flattens the asperities of our lives in a way, recovery is trickier and that's why it isn't our first option, but it should be.
Why do you want to die?

 

[cookiencream]

That's a good enough reason, lol.
I feel like we tend to jump start to dying as a solution, because it deletes everything, it flattens the asperities of our lives in a way, recovery is trickier and that's why it isn't our first option, but it should be.
Why do you want to die?

It's...a lot of reasons.

Not the wrong forum, probably the good one to deal with this.
And yeah I totally get that, I have no easy solutions tho :( rather get that out of the way. I've also wasted the past years of my life circling back to suicidality after meagre attempts at recovery. With hope that fades and it's unclear and directionless anyways most of the time, while the underlaying suicidality is always there, it just gets to a point on how good you can get at ignoring it while you manage the rest. And yeah... if you are suicidally depressed there's only so much you can ask of your brain to suddenly give you life motivations or worthy reasons to stay. It will gravitate to depression.

I'm sorry you had an attempt for so soon, and that you are also living with a lot of fear rn due to it. It might mean it's not best for you to die right now. I don't think you really "want to". But I also know how staying in that limbo of not wanting to die, but also not wanting to live, feels so awful and aimless.
Truth is it's hard work to break the cycle, very posible for most people, but hard to manage to get there without dying first.

Sucks therapy isn't working for you rn. Don't know how long you've been in it but the resource page has a lot of alternatives for when some don't work. Everyone has their own needs and nothing works for everyone.
brute forcing hasn't worked for me at all too lol. I wish. You kinda have to use some to get by, but it can be all.
and antidepressants... might aswell try yeah imo. They work for a lot of people, make it easier at least which is something I'm pretty sure we'd be grateful for.
If you wanna give those a try, can't promise but if the alternative is just dying, then yeah I don't see why you shouldn't.
+ this forum has great resources. Some have helped me more that some professionals. So check them out in time if u want too.

but for now just take it easy if you can. You don't seem to be doing or feeling too good rn. take some time out if you need it, do whatever makes you feel a bit better. at least for now.
also if u ever wanna talk or vent here and you think that might help, please do.
again sorry ur going through this, big hugs <3

Everyone here is so kind...regardless of if you want to get better or ctb. It makes me feel a little less alone yk

That's a good enough reason, lol.
I feel like we tend to jump start to dying as a solution, because it deletes everything, it flattens the asperities of our lives in a way, recovery is trickier and that's why it isn't our first option, but it should be.
Why do you want to die?

I'll try to answer as best as I can. This is probably only one of the reasons but I feel like I have a defective brain or something. Like my mind is made up of two different people. One that's basically my biology and the one that I tend to actually consider to be myself. It's weird but the best way I can explain it is using eating. If I could choose not to get hungry or to eat I wouldn't. If I could choose what I like to eat I would choose cheaper stuff ig? But I can't choose, and that frustrates me a bit because it feels like again, there's two different people inside me always fighting for their wants. Now apply this to everything in life, especially human interaction. I don't want it, if I could choose to be happy on my own without anyone else I would. Because that's what I genuinely want, but because humans are social animals I have this other part of me that doesn't necessarily want friends or romance but it doesn't want to not have that stuff if that makes sense? And the weirdest thing is that despite this I have friends I care deeply about and I even had a romantic partner at one point. I simultaneously hate them all for various different things but I'd do anything to keep them. I hate my best friend for not really taking me seriously until she realized it was THAT bad but if she told me to stab myself to make her happy I'd still do it. What makes it worse is that on the outside I'm "normal". I do extremely well in school, am polite and quiet and even though my thoughts borderline on a weird self sacrificial kind of love it's like I have enough lucidity to keep it underwraps? Now it feels like there's three people up there...but yeah idk. I just wanna escape from this weird defective brain of mine. Idek if it's defective or if this is all just normal. If it is then I might actually have to kms because I can't. I feel so jealous of others, they can just leave me and don't have to deal with me anymore but the only way for me to leave myself is dying. Wow, this was long and kinda weird. And this is one of many reasons ngl.....

That's a good enough reason, lol.
I feel like we tend to jump start to dying as a solution, because it deletes everything, it flattens the asperities of our lives in a way, recovery is trickier and that's why it isn't our first option, but it should be.
Why do you want to die?

But yeah based on all that how would I even recover? I don't even know if I think life is worth recovering for. It kinda sucks.

 

[TBONTB]

I think what you are saying is that you would like to live without constantly being pulled into a cycle of thinking about suicide and you don't know how. Which is super fair, and does seem hard

You wondered if you should try anti-depressants. That seems pretty easy...if you haven't tried them, give it a shot. They will either help or they won't, but not much harm in trying

The second thought is harder. Your brain is conditioned to think about suicide all the time. How can you get it to stop. That's cognitive training, I think. So maybe some meditation. Continuing with therapy? This isn't easy, but guessing your brain isn't your friend here.

Good luck. And disregard any of this that's off-base.