Venting i don’t want to be a woman

[spiritualvirgin]

i'm an afab person and almost everyone in my surroundings sees me as "a woman" as for myself i feel like being seen as a woman only caused bad things, i was sexually assaulted as a 11/12 year old and developed an ed afterwards, i was so young and immature when it happend, that i based my selfworth around my sexual attractiveness afterwards which i (on a rational level) always really disrespected myself for cause i come from a feminist mother and grandmother and progressive family in general and i always knew that objective attractiveness is a concept established by a capitalist patriarchal society to opress (especially) woman. i fetishized my own abuse to cope with it, thats a thing about me that always really disgusted me, but i got a lot confirmation for by men (who i never even was attracted to in my whole life, i'm a lesbian) many men love a woman that fetishizes abuse and violence cause they get off to this sick shit. i feel like in my worst moments i was closest to the woman society wants me to be. to me being a woman meant being a victim of abuse and forgiving your abuser. traits of myself that i like are that i'm very critical and opinionated and also unapologetically vocal about it especially when i sense injustice, this trait was always encouraged by my loving mother but i got rejected for it (mostly by white men) because "it's not a feminine trait" and they often felt their unjustified position of power attaced by a young "wOmAn" correcting them on their shitty behavior. i like about myself that i have strong interests in some things and that ,due to that i am, very educated in them but still i always felt that i will never have as much credibility to many people as a random white men, even if he is less educated. i always loved being educated by other people on topics they care about, but white men (as a group, not every single one, stop crying) won't let anyone do that to them that isn't another white men.

ofc i love and respect all the people who are self identifying woman who are defining womanhood for themselves and claim this term proudly, but for myself, being a woman just can't be a part of me, it feels wrong. i did a lot of healing and most of the behaviors people forced on me by making me a woman are at least partially overcome and i feel better and more like a version of myself that is authentic and that i could like one day, being called a woman feels like this process is invalidated (even tho they do it unconsciously).

most people in my life (exept my mom and my gf) adresses me with she/her pronouns and i don't even feel like i can say anything about it cause i dress 'feminine'. i wear a headscarf that covers almost all of my hair and only ankle long and wide dresses, the way i dress comforts me sensorily and mentally, i've always struggled with sensory overload when exposed to stressful situations (and a lot of situations stress me tf out) but the clothing i wear right now is as close to sensory comfort as it can get (except for the socks but you can't have everything ig) i also like that people can't see any outlines of my body because it prevents them from sexualizing or judging it. i like that i moved away from revealing clothing that i actually hated to wear for compliments that actually made me uncomfortable and were undoubtedly inappropriate. changing the way i dress made me realize how i actually felt about these comments and showed me that i actually feel way more comfortable without them. no disrespect goes to the people who like to wear revealing clothing, especially the ones who wanna fight for the right to show their bodies WITHOUT them being nonconsensually sexualized, cause this is obv how it should be, i'm only speaking for myself. but what does that leave me with? i don't know how to make people not see me as a woman (or a man) or how to gain the confidence to tell them. because if i tell them and they don't respect it, it will just show me how much they see me as a woman and then it will hurt even more. if anyone wants to share their experience or give me advice how to cope, it's very welcome

 

[Melly]

Find some people in your life who are LGBT+ friendly. Try asking them what they think about non-binary people for example; then ask more questions as necessary. If you feel like they're a safe person, do come out to them, tell them about your complicated relationship with gender; that you hate being perceived as a woman or man, regardless of your clothes and fashion choices. Having a few people in your life who address you correctly already makes a huge difference for your mental health. If nobody who is already in your life seems safe enough, try to make queer friends (though I can't really give you advice on where to find them because I don't know your situation.)

Keep in mind that even the most supportive people might slip up or misgender you in the beginning, especially if they've known you for a while; it doesn't necessarily mean they still see you as the wrong gender, it can be a force of habit. Keep reminding them, tell them it's important. However, if they don't respect you, keep your distance for your sanity. If they're willing to try, it's worth the discomfort from the early awkward stages of coming out, and imo finding some people who will respect you is worth losing people who won't, but this really depends on your situation and how LGBT+ friendly your social circles are. Ideally everyone would respect you... In practice even a few makes a world of a difference.

Good luck, you're brave. Keep fighting for better circumstances.

 

[spiritualvirgin]

Find some people in your life who are LGBT+ friendly. Try asking them what they think about non-binary people for example; then ask more questions as necessary. If you feel like they're a safe person, do come out to them, tell them about your complicated relationship with gender; that you hate being perceived as a woman or man, regardless of your clothes and fashion choices. Having a few people in your life who address you correctly already makes a huge difference for your mental health. If nobody who is already in your life seems safe enough, try to make queer friends (though I can't really give you advice on where to find them because I don't know your situation.)

Keep in mind that even the most supportive people might slip up or misgender you in the beginning, especially if they've known you for a while; it doesn't necessarily mean they still see you as the wrong gender, it can be a force of habit. Keep reminding them, tell them it's important. However, if they don't respect you, keep your distance for your sanity. If they're willing to try, it's worth the discomfort from the early awkward stages of coming out, and imo finding some people who will respect you is worth losing people who won't, but this really depends on your situation and how LGBT+ friendly your social circles are. Ideally everyone would respect you... In practice even a few makes a world of a difference.

Good luck, you're brave. Keep fighting for better circumstances.

yes you're totally right. my friends are actually very queer friendly and most of them are queer themselves , but when i told them how i feel about being perceived as a woman and they didn't ask me if i wanted to be referred to as a woman/she/her which kinda made me feel weird. i will tell my best friend again though and this time explicitly and then mabye the others will join in. thank you for your reply <3

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm so sorry for your suffering, you went through such a horrible experience at such a young age... that is it's own type of torture.

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking that perhaps it's not being a woman that is the problem. Is the fact that you associated all these bad things to being a woman so now you're feeling that if you erase your womanhood, you'll be healed.

You also have some thoughts around what is feminine and what is not and what men like or don't like that sound very stereotypical. You don't need to be stereotypical to be a woman, I think that's what makes it beautiful. You being outspoken and self assured, that is so nice and I'm very sorry if you've had a life experience opposite to that. The people around us and the culture can shape a lot of these ideas, I know that, just don't want you to reject yourself as a woman just because you have traits that are not "traditionally feminine".

I'm not a psychologist and will never claim to be one but your post sounds so full of suffering and trauma and I feel like, if these things are explored in therapy with a competent therapist, you may be able to separate the trauma from being a woman.

Just thought I should give this perspective as I'm thinking that your desire to distance yourself from womanhood may be a side effect of your trauma and not the cure.

I'm curious to know what you think of this. I'm so sorry again for what you've been through

 

[spiritualvirgin]

I'm so sorry for your suffering, you went through such a horrible experience at such a young age... that is it's own type of torture.

As I was reading your post, I kept thinking that perhaps it's not being a woman that is the problem. Is the fact that you associated all these bad things to being a woman so now you're feeling that if you erase your womanhood, you'll be healed.

You also have some thoughts around what is feminine and what is not and what men like or don't like that sound very stereotypical. You don't need to be stereotypical to be a woman, I think that's what makes it beautiful. You being outspoken and self assured, that is so nice and I'm very sorry if you've had a life experience opposite to that. The people around us and the culture can shape a lot of these ideas, I know that, just don't want you to reject yourself as a woman just because you have traits that are not "traditionally feminine".

I'm not a psychologist and will never claim to be one but your post sounds so full of suffering and trauma and I feel like, if these things are explored in therapy with a competent therapist, you may be able to separate the trauma from being a woman.

Just thought I should give this perspective as I'm thinking that your desire to distance yourself from womanhood may be a side effect of your trauma and not the cure.

I'm curious to know what you think of this. I'm so sorry again for what you've been through

hey first of all thank you for your reply ^^ . i think i know what you're saying but i actually have women in my life ,like for example some friends of mine and also my mom, who are not stereotypical women, i have nothing but respect for the people who reclaim this term and thereby broaden the definition of womanhood. to me the trauma and being a woman is not separable. besides that i feel like even if i define my own version of womanhood it'd at best make me comfortable calling myself a woman. as for other people would still have the same expectation of how a woman should be and that puts me a under a kind of pressure, that i'm very sensitive to for multible reasons. for example i don't want people to even think about asking me when or if i'm planning to have children, i wanna be allowed to be ugly and loud and i don't want my behavior and appearance to be compared to the behavior and appearance of "other" women and i feel like these are things people just can't stop doing to, who they perceive as women. i hope that when ppl know i identity as non-binary that these people just won't talk to me anymore. other than that i don't really belive in the concept of gender, but if i analyze the constuct historically the role of the woman is to be property of a man so i can't identify strongly with the term anyways even if i accept it. also i have been in therapy for a few years, i have AuDHD and have been in therapy from age 6-15, after that i have been trying to find a new therapist but it's really hard to find one sadly. i think the AuDHD also has something to do with me being very sensitive about terms which have a certain connotation regarding behavior, being used in reference to me. i don't think not being perceived a woman will heal my trauma, to be honest i think nothing will ever heal it completely, but i have been getting better and better and when i'm being called a woman it always kinda throws me back a little, cause it'll always feels like people are trying to make me someone they want me to be but i'm just not.
TL;DR my traumatic experience isn't the only reason why i don't feel like and don't want to be perceived as a woman.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

hey first of all thank you for your reply ^^ . i think i know what you're saying but i actually have women in my life ,like for example some friends of mine and also my mom, who are not stereotypical women, i have nothing but respect for the people who reclaim this term and thereby broaden the definition of womanhood. to me the trauma and being a woman is not separable. besides that i feel like even if i define my own version of womanhood it'd at best make me comfortable calling myself a woman. as for other people would still have the same expectation of how a woman should be and that puts me a under a kind of pressure, that i'm very sensitive to for multible reasons. for example i don't want people to even think about asking me when or if i'm planning to have children, i wanna be allowed to be ugly and loud and i don't want my behavior and appearance to be compared to the behavior and appearance of "other" women and i feel like these are things people just can't stop doing to, who they perceive as women. i hope that when ppl know i identity as non-binary that these people just won't talk to me anymore. other than that i don't really belive in the concept of gender, but if i analyze the constuct historically the role of the woman is to be property of a man so i can't identify strongly with the term anyways even if i accept it. also i have been in therapy for a few years, i have AuDHD and have been in therapy from age 6-15, after that i have been trying to find a new therapist but it's really hard to find one sadly. i think the AuDHD also has something to do with me being very sensitive about terms which have a certain connotation regarding behavior, being used in reference to me. i don't think not being perceived a woman will heal my trauma, to be honest i think nothing will ever heal it completely, but i have been getting better and better and when i'm being called a woman it always kinda throws me back a little, cause it'll always feels like people are trying to make me someone they want me to be but i'm just not.
TL;DR my traumatic experience isn't the only reason why i don't feel like and don't want to be perceived as a woman.

Thank you for explaining, I'm glad you have that insight as sometimes it can be easy to fall into something that may not be the cure to our problems.

I understand not wanting others to ask us about having children, although I feel like that will happen no matter if you're a woman or a man. My boyfriend always has that pressure because of how his family works, I don't have it simply because my family don't care enough about me. We can't control others but at least we can control our boundaries with others and let them know we don't like those sorts of questions. If they don't respect it, then we can leave, it's what I do at least.

You've been in therapy for so long then, good on you!

In my view, it sucks that one even has to identify as non binary to feel free from those shackles you mentioned. Society should treat people as individuals with their own unique thoughts and perceptions of the world, not see someone and put on them pressures associated with their gender.

I wish you all the best, no matter what you choose. Keep being insightful like you are, introspective, trying to understand yourself. I hope you can feel more comfortable with yourself