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Venting I don't want to be saved

Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
I am fed up with carrying this shell of a body around with me,it just needs to be disposed of.
I Wish our body was like a jump suit and we could just pull the zip down and get out leaving it behind.
I am fed up of this drowning feeling and the prospect that things will not get better.I feel the frustrations personally of those who have attempted and failed like me.
I was under the social services radar which has now increased due to several things that have gone on this week.They think ,like everyone else,that I should be in hospital - but unfortunately my 9 year old will not fit in my pocket.! I have a mum who believes that i have put on a good performance! When I have a crisis and she also believes a stint in foster care would do my boy good.!what the F! It just goes to show ,that to really understand situations and desperation we have to have experienced them ourselves.As a person brought up in care,I know the shit that goes with it.
I have to go and be with my bloody mum all weekend because we are not allowed to be on our own.All I want is to die.i do not want to take antidepressants or do anything conducive to life.why can I not go.?
I feel so desperate.I am not looking for a partner just a quick and esay way out.
 
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G

goggleboxers

Student
May 24, 2018
144
Sounds tragic but don't you want to live for your boy ?
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
I would love to live for my boy but have accepted the reality that it will not happen.
 
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
I would truly love to know that answer.
I guess I am just in the grips of servere depresson and see no other way to resolve my pain and agnony of loosing my huboy of 25 + years.I wish it was different.
 
C

creatureoflight

Mage
Jul 27, 2018
529
Lara Francis said:
I would truly love to know that answer.
I guess I am just in the grips of servere depresson and see no other way to resolve my pain and agnony of loosing my huboy of 25 + years.I wish it was different.
Click to expand...

very relatable.
So jealous of you to have a child though. I have wanted one for two years and my husband is completely against and now I am so sick I probably cannot have one
 
G

goggleboxers

Student
May 24, 2018
144
I feel your pain in the middle of a severe mental torture and there's nothing for my condition that anyone can do it sent me into a spiral of depression - do you think you could ever kill yoursejf or is it more just fantasy as in you want to but it's so hard to do
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,348
creatureoflight said:
He means why can't you live for your boy
Click to expand...
It would be very hard on your son :( but I don't know the entire situation. I always assumed if I had kids that would be enough reason to not try to end my life prematurely. I guess when u are in this state even they don't matter.
 
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G

goggleboxers

Student
May 24, 2018
144
Lara Francis said:
I would truly love to know that answer.
I guess I am just in the grips of servere depresson and see no other way to resolve my pain and agnony of loosing my huboy of 25 + years.I wish it was different.
Click to expand...
So you think if you didn't loose your hubby your life would be fine ? It's bad isn't it how life has a habit of fucking up things and creating cruelty and people say there is a God we'll fuck you jesus
 
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C

creatureoflight

Mage
Jul 27, 2018
529
Lara Francis said:
I would truly love to know that answer.
I guess I am just in the grips of servere depresson and see no other way to resolve my pain and agnony of loosing my huboy of 25 + years.I wish it was different.
Click to expand...

would it be somehow possible for you to wait until your kid is at least a bit older or over 18?
that was kind of the same dilemma for me: I have wanted to kill myself my whole life, but if you have kids, you can't really, and so the struggle gets real. I always hoped I would have a son and then kill myself around 60-70 (he would be around 30-40, so old enough to cope)
 
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Jerryman

Jerryman

Member
Jul 19, 2018
93
Final Escape said:
It would be very hard on your son :( but I don't know the entire situation. I always assumed if I had kids that would be enough reason to not try to end my life prematurely. I guess when u are in this state even they don't matter.
Click to expand...
When you have a kid it's worse, you feel guilty for not being in a good frame of mind for them. You also feel like it's going to be a long slog bringing them up whilst you're depressed. On your own you only have yourself to worry about so just need to get by only responsible for yourself.
 
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C

creatureoflight

Mage
Jul 27, 2018
529
Jerryman said:
When you have a kid it's worse, you feel guilty for not being in a good frame of mind for them. You also feel like it's going to be a long slog bringing them up whilst you're depressed. On your own you only have yourself to worry about so just need to get by only responsible for yourself.
Click to expand...

I am probably not having kids then :D
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
creatureoflight said:
very relatable.
So jealous of you to have a child though. I have wanted one for two years and my husband is completely against and now I am so sick I probably cannot have one
Click to expand...
I don't deserve to have him.I am sorry to hear your struggles
 
T

Tiburcio

Guest
Jerryman said:
When you have a kid it's worse, you feel guilty for not being in a good frame of mind for them. You also feel like it's going to be a long slog bringing them up whilst you're depressed. On your own you only have yourself to worry about so just need to get by only responsible for yourself.
Click to expand...
I agree.

Final Escape said:
It would be very hard on your son :( but I don't know the entire situation. I always assumed if I had kids that would be enough reason to not try to end my life prematurely. I guess when u are in this state even they don't matter.
Click to expand...
Trust me, my parents used to think like it, they had me and they ruined my life.

Children unnerve a lot and I don't think they would be good for you, they require a lot of work and time. A LOT.

Also, I don't think having children in such sutuation would be good for them.

It would be harmful for both you and the son.
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
Final Escape said:
It would be very hard on your son :( but I don't know the entire situation. I always assumed if I had kids that would be enough reason to not try to end my life prematurely. I guess when u are in this state even they don't matter.
Click to expand...
I am truly unwell
 
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wanttodie

wanttodie

Enlightened
Apr 19, 2018
1,806
me to i don,t want to be saved
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
goggleboxers said:
So you think if you didn't loose your hubby your life would be fine ? It's bad isn't it how life has a habit of fucking up things and creating cruelty and people say there is a God we'll fuck you jesus
Click to expand...
My life was great and I was so happy.life can change at a moment notice and there is nothing you can do about it.
 
Laggy

Laggy

Member
Jul 20, 2018
45
I have kids too. It doesn't make you any healthier or any better able to cope with life. It just makes you feel guiltier about how desperately you want to commit suicide.

To anyone here who doesn't yet have kids, I highly advise you not to have any.
 
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Jerryman

Jerryman

Member
Jul 19, 2018
93
Laggy said:
I have kids too. It doesn't make you any healthier or any better able to cope with life. It just makes you feel guiltier about how desperately you want to commit suicide.

To anyone here who doesn't yet have kids, I highly advise you not to have any.
Click to expand...
I won't be having any more
 
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M

musicislife

Student
Jun 15, 2018
159
Do you think you'd be able to overcome doing it with a little boy ? That easy be so hard for you have you tried before or would it be a first time ?
 
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G

goggleboxers

Student
May 24, 2018
144
Lara Francis said:
I would truly love to know that answer.
I guess I am just in the grips of servere depresson and see no other way to resolve my pain and agnony of loosing my huboy of 25 + years.I wish it was different.
Click to expand...
Have you tried counselling? Won't work for everyone I guess
 
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
musicislife said:
Do you think you'd be able to overcome doing it with a little boy ? That easy be so hard for you have you tried before or would it be a first time ?
Click to expand...
Idk.I have attempted by myself before.
 
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,627
goggleboxers said:
Have you tried counselling? Won't work for everyone I guess
Click to expand...
Yes I have tried counselling.people are trying desperately to get me back onto a programme but time is running out and as I have said before, sometimes there are no more words to hear.
 
K

Karenbaker

Member
Jun 17, 2018
63
Lara Francis said:
Yes I have tried counselling.people are trying desperately to get me back onto a programme but time is running out and as I have said before, sometimes there are no more words to hear.
Click to expand...
Time is running out does that mean your going to try sooon
 
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