I don't want to offend you over your beliefs... but I sincerely doubt that there is a heaven or a hell. It's a human construct largely meant to control the masses. I'll grant you, though, that some people sincerely believe and gain from their belief... but it doesn't sound like your faith is actually benefiting you. I mean, it doesn't seem to be helping you feel better about where you are in life, and fear of what might happen after death is harming you.
I had a supposed friend last year who when I started being open about my problems, he said he "knew" what would help me... he tried hard to convert me to his religion. Except, besides my own misgivings and lack of belief in it anyway... I had observed him look down on others... for instance... he was complaining about some woman not doing her job and always being in the hall on her phone speaking spanish. Except, I had talked to that woman before and she was nice to me... and I doubt he ever heard her speaking spanish on the phone as much as he claimed, because she from India. I only ever heard her speaking Indian, presumably to family. I mean, maybe she also spoke spanish, I don't know... but it felt more like his racism creeping in and seeing a brown person and assuming. He also had treated some close family in ways I didn't care for... his close family that is... and he told me stories of before he "found God" and some of what he told me was kind of bad, but he felt absolved of the bad now that he was religious.
Anyway, after I turned him down, politely, several times... he just stopped contacting me at all. Basically it was fuck me and my problems unless I would let him indoctrinate me in his religion.
But anyway... I hope you find something that helps you feel better OR you otherwise find peace in your life. I go to sleep most nights hoping for death and waking to disappointment of consciousness. I'm going to have to do it myself soon.
