Story I feel like I became desensitized to everything

[a_dead_mess]

I used to enjoy programming a lot. back when I wasn't mentally ill, I used to start up my pc, open the code editor and start writing code all day long. I was really good at it to the point that I was so close to reaching a level that would land me a job. it's one of the very few things I used to enjoy in life and felt satisfied when doing it. I made some plans to get myself out of my depression so I'd at least say I've tried making the most of what I have but it's not working out. I programmed a bit yesterday and it felt more like a chore than an enjoyable activity. I don't cry very often but I cried a lot yesterday while I'm programming. I went for a walk afterward and it just distracted me from my feelings for a while.

when I try to explain to concerned people around me what I'm going through, they seem like they don't get how that's possible. I wish I knew what hit me, but I really don't. I can't genuinely smile anymore, I have a somewhat face of death on me. I hate my current self a lot and I understand why others feel the same as well. SN is going to take some time to arrive and I don't want to admit it but if I don't get myself out of this state quickly then life is going to treat me much worse in the future. the sad part is that I'm almost certain my death is going to be impulsive and that's scary. I just want to feel peace again.

thanks for reading my rant, hope you're having a good day

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I used to enjoy programming a lot. back when I wasn't mentally ill, I used to start up my pc, open the code editor and start writing code all day long. I was really good at it to the point that I was so close to reaching a level that would land me a job. it's one of the very few things I used to enjoy in life and felt satisfied when doing it. I made some plans to get myself out of my depression so I'd at least say I've tried making the most of what I have but it's not working out. I programmed a bit yesterday and it felt more like a chore than an enjoyable activity. I don't cry very often but I cried a lot yesterday while I'm programming. I went for a walk afterward and it just distracted me from my feelings for a while. when I try to explain to concerned people around me what I'm going through, they seem like they don't get how that's possible. I wish I knew what hit me, but I really don't. I can't genuinely smile anymore, I have a somewhat face of death on me. I hate my current self a lot and I understand why others feel the same as well. SN is going to take some time to arrive and I don't want to admit it but if I don't get myself out of this state quickly then life is going to treat me much worse in the future. the sad part is that I'm almost certain my death is going to be impulsive and that's scary. I just want to feel peace again.

thanks for reading my rant, hope you're having a good day

You are probably suffering from anhedonia ….

 

[Darkover]

i've been programming for 10 years between 18 and 28, never really achive my goal of becoming a independent game devloper now i have a brain injury and have to ctb hopefully before the end of this year heres some of my work

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't see existence as being enjoyable at all personally and could never do. I hope that you find relief from your suffering as none of us here should ever have to endure such misery.

 

[a_dead_mess]

i've been programming for 10 years between 18 and 28, never really achive my goal of becoming a independent game devloper now i have a brain injury and have to ctb hopefully before the end of this year heres some of my work

I've always held a lot of respect for AI & game developers. these 2 programming fields have the highest entry barrier.

 

[Darkover]

I've always held a lot of respect for AI & game developers. these 2 programming fields have the highest entry barrier.

Ai is where it is at deep learning neural networks deep mind alphago, alphafold, blue brain project, i love mathematics and computer programming writen over 250,000 lines of code over 10 years