I feel like I’m forced to kill myself

[Aiyuxiao]

I'm killing myself so I will no longer live in physical chronic pain 24/7 and chronic illnesses.

I'm in no rush and hurry to kill myself. And I'm currently looking for locations to do it (I don't have money for a hotel and don't have a car so I can't drive myself to the mountains like I wanted to).

But, I feel like I'm being forced to kill myself because my body is too painful to just exist and survive in. Everyday is really hard for me.

And I honestly feel like a bad person because of the few people I will hurt. And I know they won't understand because they're not feeling what I'm feeling in my body.

I'm sorry, I'm crying typing this.

 

[whywere]

My heart and soul go out to you, as I also have 24/7 chronic pain and truly know the darn nightmare that it is.

I REALLY want you to know that I care about you deeply, as we are together in this always.

I go to a pain clinic, and I am on 2 different types of opioids, and if I may ask if you have had the opportunity to seek out medical help. It has helped me so much.

I NEVER EVER want you to feel like you are a bad person NEVER! You are a wonderfully kind and ever so caring soul who has chronic pain that zaps so much out of a person, it does to me each and every day.

My wish for you is hopefully you can find some medical care and to remember that YOU are VERY important to me as a good friend.

HUGS and caring thoughts to/for you always.

Walter

 

[Aiyuxiao]

My heart and soul go out to you, as I also have 24/7 chronic pain and truly know the darn nightmare that it is.

I REALLY want you to know that I care about you deeply, as we are together in this always.

I go to a pain clinic, and I am on 2 different types of opioids, and if I may ask if you have had the opportunity to seek out medical help. It has helped me so much.

I NEVER EVER want you to feel like you are a bad person NEVER! You are a wonderfully kind and ever so caring soul who has chronic pain that zaps so much out of a person, it does to me each and every day.

My wish for you is hopefully you can find some medical care and to remember that YOU are VERY important to me as a good friend.

HUGS and caring thoughts to/for you always.

Walter

Thank you for your kindness Walter. I appreciate your comment. I go to a pain clinic and have been quite a couple of them. They all refuse to give me opioid medication to help. I have tried procedures and other medications they have prescribed and they do nothing for my pains. I've also tried PT, OT, exercise, diet, vitamins/supplements, topical, THC, CBD, injections, surgery, therapy, etc. Nothing is working. I'm only in my early 30's. I don't want to live like this for the next 10 -50+ years for the rest of my life. :(

 

[overload]

i feel you man, same situation for me

 

[Alexandra0]

I understand your feelings. And I am very sorry that you have to suffer like this every day. My body is tormenting me very much. I want to commit suicide too. And I am determined to do it. May luck be with us

 

[Aiyuxiao]

I understand your feelings. And I am very sorry that you have to suffer like this every day. My body is tormenting me very much. I want to commit suicide too. And I am determined to do it. May luck be with us

Sending you love and peace Alex. I'm sorry you have to suffer like this everyday too because of your body :( Nobody understands this torment unless they go through it.

i feel you man, same situation for me

I'm sorry you're going through the same man :( it sucks

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so unbearably, it's all just so cruel and dreadful to me, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, I wish you the best.

 

[polm]

My heart breaks for you I truly understand what you're going through and the feelings that go with. Unrelenting untreatable pain. I wish I could hug you right now. We need a break and the opportunity to go out on our own terms. Society is cruel. I'm hugging you and all those trapped. For now we have each other

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Thank you for your kindness Walter. I appreciate your comment. I go to a pain clinic and have been quite a couple of them. They all refuse to give me opioid medication to help. I have tried procedures and other medications they have prescribed and they do nothing for my pains. I've also tried PT, OT, exercise, diet, vitamins/supplements, topical, THC, CBD, injections, surgery, therapy, etc. Nothing is working. I'm only in my early 30's. I don't want to live like this for the next 10 -50+ years for the rest of my life. :(

I don't know where you are located but in the US, there is currently a war on drugs and a war on chronic pain patients. You, unfortunately, are a drafted warrior, and guess what, I don't believe in the draft. I hope you stay and fight a battle that's worth fighting, and win, because it is possible. But none of us can fight the system alone and we eventually fall. We don't shame those who fall in battle. We carry on for them.

 

[openBottomJeans]

I relate to you. Nobody deserves to go through constant suffering, especially when it comes to physical pain. I'm sorry it feels forced. That is how my ctb feels. But I know in my heart this is the only way. Eventually, those we leave behind will understand and be at peace, knowing we no longer are suffering.

 

[eupdplishlp]

I'm sorry you've had to bear so much tourmeant and pain. You deserve comfort, peace and love. I pray contentment comes to you through your decision.no words can describe how inhumane what you've had to bear is I truly am sorry for what life has made you go through.

 

[overload]

I relate to you. Nobody deserves to go through constant suffering, especially when it comes to physical pain. I'm sorry it feels forced. That is how my ctb feels. But I know in my heart this is the only way. Eventually, those we leave behind will understand and be at peace, knowing we no longer are suffering.

same exact thing for me, totally agree

 

[Aiyuxiao]

I don't know where you are located but in the US, there is currently a war on drugs and a war on chronic pain patients. You, unfortunately, are a drafted warrior, and guess what, I don't believe in the draft. I hope you stay and fight a battle that's worth fighting, and win, because it is possible. But none of us can fight the system alone and we eventually fall. We don't shame those who fall in battle. We carry on for them.

Yeah, you're right. I didn't sign up for this. :( I'm told to keep fighting but idk how long I can keep the fight in me. Thanks for your kindness

I relate to you. Nobody deserves to go through constant suffering, especially when it comes to physical pain. I'm sorry it feels forced. That is how my ctb feels. But I know in my heart this is the only way. Eventually, those we leave behind will understand and be at peace, knowing we no longer are suffering.

I'm sorry you're in the same boat. Yeah, like you I feel like my ctb is forced. Like, live a life of pain all over my body for the rest of my life or end everything as a mercy so I'm no longer suffering and in pain.

I cry alot because I'm sad for the people I hurt. I don't think they will forgive me and they will be angry :( idk what to do. But again they're not in my body

 

[hippiedeath]

I think you have a very good reason to want to ctb. I understand you don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm alone and damaged inside. When the pain outweighs the guilt I'll see. Best to you in an existence without pain.

 

[Aiyuxiao]

My heart breaks for you I truly understand what you're going through and the feelings that go with. Unrelenting untreatable pain. I wish I could hug you right now. We need a break and the opportunity to go out on our own terms. Society is cruel. I'm hugging you and all those trapped. For now we have each other

Thank you for your comment! Are you going through the same? Every treatment I tried that I can afford, has not and is not working for me. And I have a lot of issues. I'm hugging you too! You're right! We have each other

I think you have a very good reason to want to ctb. I understand you don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I'm alone and damaged inside. When the pain outweighs the guilt I'll see. Best to you in an existence without pain.

Thank you so much for your understanding and kindness. Tbh, if it weren't for this chronic pain 24/7 and illnesses, I would still try with life even if I'm depressed. But, pain and illnesses just makes being in this body unbearable. Existing and surviving is unbearable, it's hard to find enjoyment now because I'm always in pain all over my body :(

 

[whywere]

Thank you for your kindness Walter. I appreciate your comment. I go to a pain clinic and have been quite a couple of them. They all refuse to give me opioid medication to help. I have tried procedures and other medications they have prescribed and they do nothing for my pains. I've also tried PT, OT, exercise, diet, vitamins/supplements, topical, THC, CBD, injections, surgery, therapy, etc. Nothing is working. I'm only in my early 30's. I don't want to live like this for the next 10 -50+ years for the rest of my life. :(

I live in the U.S. and after the car crash, I went to 3 different pain clinics and on the 4th one, I found a very intelligent AND empathetic doctor who right off the bat wrote me a prescription for Hydromorphone. Without the opioid medication I 100% would have ctb, as too/for me life is quality NEVER EVER quantity.

I told the pain doctor this the 1st time I saw him, and he completely agreed with me. He is the BEST doctor on the planet, so smart AND heartwarmingly kind and caring.

I hope and wish the very best for you, as you being family to/for me, I want the very best for you always.

Walter

 

[polm]

Thank you for your comment! Are you going through the same? Every treatment I tried that I can afford, has not and is not working for me. And I have a lot of issues. I'm hugging you too! You're right! We have each other

Yes I've been to 3 pain clinics. Tried every med available and I can't tolerate opioids even at low dose. I know the damage is irreversible. I wish society would recognise people with chronic illness and give us choice over our lives. I'm med injured. Damaged by the medical system but I can't get easy access to leave peacefully and end the torture.

 

[unluckysadness]

i feel pain everyday too with a cruel disease which made me disabled since years. i'm so tired. my only outings are to see the doctors / psychologist

 

[quietwoods]

I live in the U.S. and after the car crash, I went to 3 different pain clinics and on the 4th one, I found a very intelligent AND empathetic doctor who right off the bat wrote me a prescription for Hydromorphone. Without the opioid medication I 100% would have ctb, as too/for me life is quality NEVER EVER quantity.

I told the pain doctor this the 1st time I saw him, and he completely agreed with me. He is the BEST doctor on the planet, so smart AND heartwarmingly kind and caring.

I hope and wish the very best for you, as you being family to/for me, I want the very best for you always.

Walter

Wish there were more doctors like this. Just got back from my 5th specialist yesterday and got stared at for an hour by a doctor who clearly thought everything was in my head and tried to blame pain in almost every single joint and many muscles in my body on a singular hiking injury 3 years ago.

Refused to explore any alternatives as to what it could be and sent me off for my millionth set of xrays. Probably going to get cancer from all these xrays before I figure out what's going on.

Like I wasn't even asking for pain meds. I just wanted them to listen and help me figure out why they heck my body is falling apart at age 30.

 

[Clearly Canadian]

i feel pain everyday too with a cruel disease which made me disabled since years. i'm so tired. my only outings are to see the doctors / psychologist

You and me in the same boat. Plus my beloved husband died, and left me all alone in this shit-hole world. I've had severe chronic pain for over 25 years. I also suffer from short term memory loss. That's not all. I say this because I understand how you feel.

 

[orcapythia]

I know sadly many people don't want to leave they just want their circumstances to be different. I really hope you find something to ease your pain.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

i relate to this

i really wanted to experience life, fall in love, have a good career, and be happy. i had one particular medical issue that makes it sort of all pointless to try to find love. and the result of this knowledge makes me extraordinarily sad. the depression has impacted my career, and i have just worked doing what i can.

and then with my sadness, it is very hard to live life in any sort of normal way. which makes it hard to connect with people in any normal way, especially when i expect suicide to be the likely outcome of my life. how do i meet new people? "want to hang out? by the way, my life is awful, i have medical injuries you can't see that make me bitter, and i'm most likely going to be dead within the next 5 years, if not this next year... "

so i feel like existence has given me a choice between a terrible lonely pathetic existence... or to preserve some dignity by ending it... the life I have now is terrible...

it is not the same as your situation. horrendous pain is like nothing else. you of all people have a good reason to be here. some people in your situation, in chronic horrible pain, turn to heroin. the difficulty with heroin is that it's illegal, so if you use it to manage pain, and get arrested due to buying it, at some point you could wind up detoxing in jail in chronic pain, which is a hell not worth enduring

so in a sense, society is killing you, yes, forcing you to choose between excruciating pain or death... when there are options available.

i would think you could try to go to a country with different laws on drugs and pain medications and then you could get pain medications there and also heroin if needed. it sounds like that would be financially impossible. Portugal does not go hard on drugs users, same with the Czech republic. You could go there, live there, and buy heroin from the dark web, and if you are caught you wouldn't be jailed if for a small amount. you could try to become a citizen there. doing that would result in a lifetime of heroin addiction, but that may be better that suicide.

you could also try chronic pain forums and see if anyone will refer you to a doctor that prescribes opiates.

but either of these options sucks... costs money... is hard...