BitterlyAlive
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- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,634
I laid in bed all day until I had to get up for therapy. My therapist was asking me questions like...
T: what do you do? Watch tv? Draw? Cook? Read?
Me: (to everything) no. I don't really do anything. I just lay in bed.
T: what goals do you have?
Me: i don't really have any. I don't want anything. Everything seems too exhausting or overwhelming.
Other than that, I just couldn't bring myself to speak. I felt like a real jerk. The therapist was clearly uncomfortable with my crap answers and was probably wondering why I bothered to show up.
Afterwards I went out with a couple of friends. They wanted to treat me to dinner. It was so nice of them; they didn't have to do that. Then we went to a park and hung out in a storm, and then drove around for a few hours. We stayed out until like 2am. I feel so guilty because I was struggling to engage. I wanted to cancel and just lay in bed some more, but worked hard to make it today because going out is "good for me".
All day I've been so exhausted and have been having really dumb urges: take a bunch of meds and overdose, cut yourself really deep, drink until you black out. The urges have gotten a bit stronger as the day has gone on. I'm back home and just feeling awful, but at least I'm too tired to hurt myself. I wonder if these thoughts will progress to actual suicidal urges like when I was on Lexapro. So far my experience with Paxil has been pretty similar. Feel better for a day or two, grow numb and apathetic, have urges to hurt myself, feel the urges worsen.
The next plan is to add Lamictal if the Paxil isn't working. I'm so tired of meds. I wish I could just stop taking them.
T: what do you do? Watch tv? Draw? Cook? Read?
Me: (to everything) no. I don't really do anything. I just lay in bed.
T: what goals do you have?
Me: i don't really have any. I don't want anything. Everything seems too exhausting or overwhelming.
Other than that, I just couldn't bring myself to speak. I felt like a real jerk. The therapist was clearly uncomfortable with my crap answers and was probably wondering why I bothered to show up.
Afterwards I went out with a couple of friends. They wanted to treat me to dinner. It was so nice of them; they didn't have to do that. Then we went to a park and hung out in a storm, and then drove around for a few hours. We stayed out until like 2am. I feel so guilty because I was struggling to engage. I wanted to cancel and just lay in bed some more, but worked hard to make it today because going out is "good for me".
All day I've been so exhausted and have been having really dumb urges: take a bunch of meds and overdose, cut yourself really deep, drink until you black out. The urges have gotten a bit stronger as the day has gone on. I'm back home and just feeling awful, but at least I'm too tired to hurt myself. I wonder if these thoughts will progress to actual suicidal urges like when I was on Lexapro. So far my experience with Paxil has been pretty similar. Feel better for a day or two, grow numb and apathetic, have urges to hurt myself, feel the urges worsen.
The next plan is to add Lamictal if the Paxil isn't working. I'm so tired of meds. I wish I could just stop taking them.
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