I guess I'm really fucked up!

[Heart Shards]

I'm in a hell of a predicament. Apart of me really wants to believe that I'm worth saving. the other part of me tells me otherwise. A part of me does want to keep living, but on the other hand I want to sincerely die. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me at this point. How do everyday people find the will to keep living? I don't get it. Do they think life is some grand journey or some shit? anyways I know I am getting off topic with my ranting.
I Have a loaded Nine milimeter and today might be my lucky day. I'm tired of arguing and rationalizing with multiple parts of myself. Can anyone relate? thanks for lending an ear, Willow.

 

[chrijo]

I guess, people doesnt think about that. People go through their pointless lifes and ignore all the facts, especially the death.

 

[Retched]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I too have sat with a loaded gun. My way of living for a long time was sometimes daily. Or hourly. I'd say "I'll kill myself tomorrow." This is after a failed attempt and then a few more. Once the gun was involved, I could no longer take it anymore. So I thought. People here on the site helped me through that rough patch. I could not pull the trigger.

I still have to frame myself with getting through the next hour, the next day. I've had some good things happen, which were unexpected, but that doesn't magically make me 100% better. I don't know if this helps. But if you have even a tiny thread of hope, hang onto it, even if it's frayed and about to break.

I look around at all the well adjusted folk and know I am missing something they have. It's very bad at my job. I'm the weird quiet one. I'm jealous of their ability to live life.

My point is, nothing's wrong with you. You've gone into dark places that others don't know, except for here. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but no one can promise that. I can tell you that you're not alone & im glad you're venting.