I hate them because I love them so much

[woofwag]

Yes, contradictory, I know. But it makes sense in a way too. My ex FWB, or weird situationship, or just plain ex, whatever, messaged me recently. After three months of nothing, not even reading my messages, they chose to reply when I was finally healing from what they did to me. It's complicated to explain, but they were abusive in many ways. I did not react well to it at all. I wouldn't say I was necessarily abusive back, but I absolutely pushed boundaries and did things I regret, things I know traumatized them. But I was traumatized by them, too.

They told me they were thinking of me and that they still loved me. They have been very supportive through all of the abuse too, and did help me change for the better in many ways while simultaneously doing things that traumatized me. I can't stand it that I still love them back. I can't stand it that I have been thinking about them as much as I was trying not to.

For the past few months, I have been trying so hard to be self-destructive that it has somehow backfired and given me so many new friends and experiences. Going out to club as a way to see if someone would drug me and take advantage of me just got me friends because I was trying to charm people into wanting me so bad they would do anything to get me. Trying to get a job to save money to buy a way to CTB has just set me up to make a list of other things I want to get first, giving me some level of hope to keep going for a bit longer. Trying new drugs hasn't got me addicted to anything yet, just given me some fun highs. I was doing well. I mean, I wasn't, I was still suicidal and hoping any one of these would truly hurt me, but it was going better than anticipated. And now, just because they messaged me, I feel it all unraveling again. I actually got on here just because of those messages. I didn't expect it to hurt me like this. But being reminded of the reasons I'm really doing these things and the trauma they caused me made it all come apart once again.

I hate that they did this to me. I hate how they changed me. I hate how much hope they've given me just as much as I hate how much despair and misery they've given me. I hate them, and I can't stop loving them. I have never met anyone so unique as them, and I know I never will again. I love all of my friends, but they specifically have a way of knowing what to say that no one else ever does, and so many fascinating hobbies and philosophies that entranced me. I want to die so bad. I've always wanted it, and now that they've reached out it's only put me back on that track once again. Maybe I should thank them for that? Having hope to die is still something to hope for. But I don't think it truly is anything to thank them for considering all of the shit they put me through.

I'm sorry I write so much. One time they told me I was quite verbose. I know it and I hate even more that they're right and I still can't seem to stop.

 

[noreason.toexist]

Hey, while I obviously cant relate 1:1 to your situation, I have gone through something very similar.

Don't wanna go too deep into it, unless its something you'd like to talk about. All I'll say for now is that I've also been involved in a really abusive and toxic relationship. And I also can't keep them off my mind. I've had times where I thought I moved on, just to be reminded of them again somehow and spiraling down again like I've never made any progress. I get how frustrating and soul crushing this must be for you.

How did they reach out? I can only really give advice on it being through online means / messages.

I've had the problem where I'd keep unblocking them, hoping for a message or something. That's a really bad mistake to make.

I'd say try to cut them off entirely. Not just blocking them, removing them, you have to somehow go out of your way to make sure they can never gain control over you like this again. I dont expect you to go this far, but my last resort was just completely throwing away my online persona and restart. Fresh accounts with no ties to your old self. If you feel like the only way for them not to reach out again would be that, I really recommend it.

I dont see any issue with you writing this much, keep being yourself.

I'm incredibly sorry this happened to you, I'd wish this on no one. I hope you could find even a little solace in my words.

 

[woofwag]

Hey, while I obviously cant relate 1:1 to your situation, I have gone through something very similar.

Don't wanna go too deep into it, unless its something you'd like to talk about. All I'll say for now is that I've also been involved in a really abusive and toxic relationship. And I also can't keep them off my mind. I've had times where I thought I moved on, just to be reminded of them again somehow and spiraling down again like I've never made any progress. I get how frustrating and soul crushing this must be for you.

How did they reach out? I can only really give advice on it being through online means / messages.

I've had the problem where I'd keep unblocking them, hoping for a message or something. That's a really bad mistake to make.

I'd say try to cut them off entirely. Not just blocking them, removing them, you have to somehow go out of your way to make sure they can never gain control over you like this again. I dont expect you to go this far, but my last resort was just completely throwing away my online persona and restart. Fresh accounts with no ties to your old self. If you feel like the only way for them not to reach out again would be that, I really recommend it.

I dont see any issue with you writing this much, keep being yourself.

I'm incredibly sorry this happened to you, I'd wish this on no one. I hope you could find even a little solace in my words.

Thank you for replying. I do find some solace in it <3

I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. It really is a horrible thing to be traumatized by someone you love like that. It hurts to get those messages, but it also hurts not to, so I relate to hoping for one.

They reached out via text. I haven't had them blocked, and I don't have the strength to block/remove them. At the very least, I can't delete their number. There's just too much history in there, and even if I were to never talk to them again, I like to have logs of those sorts of things due to my horrible memory.

I would like someday to reconnect with them. I had known previously they wanted space and to not talk for a bit, but I didn't realize how much I needed that too now that they've reached out. We left on good terms when I last saw them. They stayed with me for a bit to support me through graduation and my mom being there, which was very helpful considering how my mom has traumatized me, so I think they may have been under the impression that I would appreciate them reaching out or something, I don't know. I promised them I would call them before I CTB, so there is at least that much contact I'll end up having. Worst part is that I've been daydreaming about doing that for a while. They are one of the last barriers to me going through with it, which doesn't help now that they've messaged me again.

I plan to ignore them as long as I can, hopefully until I CTB. I wish I could block them, I really do. But in a way I think I also find some power in having them message me while I stay ignoring them. It feels like some kind of mildly petty way for me to exact revenge, or just to have some control over the situation without fully cutting ties.

Thank you for your words again. I very much appreciate it. If you want, we could share more details of our experiences through DM's, although that's up to you.

 

[noreason.toexist]

Thank you for replying. I do find some solace in it <3

I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. It really is a horrible thing to be traumatized by someone you love like that. It hurts to get those messages, but it also hurts not to, so I relate to hoping for one.

They reached out via text. I haven't had them blocked, and I don't have the strength to block/remove them. At the very least, I can't delete their number. There's just too much history in there, and even if I were to never talk to them again, I like to have logs of those sorts of things due to my horrible memory.

I would like someday to reconnect with them. I had known previously they wanted space and to not talk for a bit, but I didn't realize how much I needed that too now that they've reached out. We left on good terms when I last saw them. They stayed with me for a bit to support me through graduation and my mom being there, which was very helpful considering how my mom has traumatized me, so I think they may have been under the impression that I would appreciate them reaching out or something, I don't know. I promised them I would call them before I CTB, so there is at least that much contact I'll end up having. Worst part is that I've been daydreaming about doing that for a while. They are one of the last barriers to me going through with it, which doesn't help now that they've messaged me again.

I plan to ignore them as long as I can, hopefully until I CTB. I wish I could block them, I really do. But in a way I think I also find some power in having them message me while I stay ignoring them. It feels like some kind of mildly petty way for me to exact revenge, or just to have some control over the situation without fully cutting ties.

Thank you for your words again. I very much appreciate it. If you want, we could share more details of our experiences through DM's, although that's up to you.

I see. I have also kept their number, but "locked away" so to speak, so I can't do anything impulsively. It's really hard for me to let things go that have had a big role in my life. So I deeply relate to the "history" part. What I did is save an archive of our texts, saved some of our pictures as well as written down their number, and saved it onto a USB drive that I put away in a seperate place that I'd have to travel to to access it. This way I don't lose the memories once I am completely over them, but I also can't do anything out of impulse. Maybe ask a friend to leave it at their place, a family member, you name it.

I know you are hurting for them, but if they were truly this abusive, you'll have to try to come to terms with them not being good for you. Even if they give you momentary relief or make you feel happy at times.

I've gotten back with my person a lot of times, on and off, abuse, forgiveness, reunion, brief bliss, repeat. It's like an addiction. A horrible cycle. A rollercoaster of emotions going up and down. It really makes you go crazy. I don't want you to have to go through something like that.

I am glad your decision is to ignore them for now.

I understand the little "revenge" part. I don't see anything wrong with it. You can at least pat yourself on the back for knowing you aren't giving in to your thoughts of wanting to reconnect. That alone shows you have the ability to move on from this. I am proud of you.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting my experiences too much on your case, and ultimately, it's your choice. I cannot and don't want to make the decision for you. Just know that I went through this thing that might or might not relate to your situation, and my honest advice is to try to stay away from the people that hurt you, at any cost, and try to spend more time with people that can genuinely make you feel better, not just a brief moment of bliss.

Your plan is already to CTB, don't make the road to it even harder for yourself.

 

[woofwag]

I see. I have also kept their number, but "locked away" so to speak, so I can't do anything impulsively. It's really hard for me to let things go that have had a big role in my life. So I deeply relate to the "history" part. What I did is save an archive of our texts, saved some of our pictures as well as written down their number, and saved it onto a USB drive that I put away in a seperate place that I'd have to travel to to access it. This way I don't lose the memories once I am completely over them, but I also can't do anything out of impulse. Maybe ask a friend to leave it at their place, a family member, you name it.

I know you are hurting for them, but if they were truly this abusive, you'll have to try to come to terms with them not being good for you. Even if they give you momentary relief or make you feel happy at times.

I've gotten back with my person a lot of times, on and off, abuse, forgiveness, reunion, brief bliss, repeat. It's like an addiction. A horrible cycle. A rollercoaster of emotions going up and down. It really makes you go crazy. I don't want you to have to go through something like that.

I am glad your decision is to ignore them for now.

I understand the little "revenge" part. I don't see anything wrong with it. You can at least pat yourself on the back for knowing you aren't giving in to your thoughts of wanting to reconnect. That alone shows you have the ability to move on from this. I am proud of you.

I'm not sure if I'm projecting my experiences too much on your case, and ultimately, it's your choice. I cannot and don't want to make the decision for you. Just know that I went through this thing that might or might not relate to your situation, and my honest advice is to try to stay away from the people that hurt you, at any cost, and try to spend more time with people that can genuinely make you feel better, not just a brief moment of bliss.

Your plan is already to CTB, don't make the road to it even harder for yourself.

I think that's smart. When I'm ready to, I'll try and do that.

I worry maybe I'm exaggerating how bad it really was... it's hard because I don't remember a lot of it. I won't get into a crazy amount of specifics, but it wasn't like domestic violence or anything that serious. I do also know I have a tendency to undermine my experiences so I can't speak for the reality of how bad it was. There are things I know were really bad, and things I'm still not sure about. To me, it's enough that I can forgive them for it. They haven't replicated any of those behaviors ever since our first bout of not talking about a year ago. Well, there were some shitty things that happened, but I wouldn't say it was really abusive. More like them just generally fucking up, but they apologized for it.

The addiction part is so true. When it was at its worst, that's how I felt. I would hurt myself anytime I was in close contact with them. But they felt like my whole world, and it took them leaving for me to finally admit to myself how bad it had been. But thankfully I'm not there anymore. Part of why I'm trying to meet other people, so that this doesn't happen again. But thank you, it feels nice to hear that someone is proud of me, even if I know I'm not coping with this very well.

There's one other thing that makes it especially hard, and that's that they are the only person who has ever been supportive of me dying, at a couple points even offering to get me poison (although later saying they couldn't because they wouldn't be able to handle the guilt). They said they wouldn't snitch when I called them, and I believe them. Idk how to feel about it still. But there's too much of me that feels like I at least owe them a call before I go. Besides, I never go back on my promises, even if it makes my life (or end of it) harder to do so.