I have messed up so badly and I hate myself so much

[FireFox]

I have already shared on here how I having been struggling to get over a guy I really liked i known him throughout this year and over the summer we began to bond more til it feel apart. Ever since starting university I miss even more as the months go by. He is such a cool guy and he had things I want in a man ie travels a lot, funny, intelligent and I can have long and interesting conversations about politics and all kinds of things and we bonded over our love of CBD products. The guy is in his 30s. More and more I feel like I am never going to click with another man. I really wanted him so much. The guy has a lot of issues and insecurities, and have toxic behaviours ie Slient treatment, poor communication skills, over analysing my actions and words, I felt like I was being profiled at times. It wasn't healthy at times
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...nt-win-anymore-with-guys.183907/#post-2722555

Summer with him was really great until it all went wrong ( Long story). We parted ways amicably and I decided to stop visiting the CBD store he works in and area he lives because that's were we met and had our fun over the summer. I have been going to university events, talking to guys at the university law postgradute school but still I can't click with anyone the way I clicked with him and guys at university don't click with me either. Evenings have been hard because I missed all our evening conversations we had with him.

I have been off university for this week due to university half term break and these feelings intensified even more yesterday Tuesday I left my house and decided to the CBD shop to see him. He looked so happy to see me and I thanked him because meeting him helped me get over the 55 year old man I was in love with and back to my old self which is true.

I did a stupid thing. I took a random picture of him, he saw and I denied it. I ended it up deleting the picture as I regretted taking it. He messages me later that evening asking why I took it. I just said it was a random thing i wasn't thinking properly and told him I deleted it because I regretted taking it.

We spoke about why things went wrong. The man said my religious beliefs where the reason I am not compatible with him. He is Anti Thiest whereas I am practicing Catholic but I am very respectful of people's beliefs. The man told me he finds me attractive and doesn't want me to "feel bad". I asked him does he feel bad for rejecting me he answered
" feel a bit bad because I don't want you to think I rejected you ." I told him he did reject me because I wanted to take things further but he didn't want too. I learnt the man insecure all the times I told him I found him attractive he didn't believe me because he doesn't see himself as attractive.

I then fucked up telling him the truth the next day. I said I took tne random photo for 2 reasons. My grandmother always wondered what he looked like and couldn't understand why I am struggling to get over him and part of me is afraid of forgetting him so when I was in the shop I just took picture really without thinking,

I told him what my grandmother thinks of him. My grandmother thinks "he needs to shave and doesn't wash himself " and can't understand why I am upset over a man who "sells CBD, doesn't like people going to church and doesn't shave"

He loses his temper with me and accuses me of "insulting his appearance" and "trying to score brownie points". I told him I love his appearance my family don't and I defended him to my family. He just lost his temperature even I told him I just showec my grandmother in person the picture and deleted it minutes later.

He now fucking hates me. Had I stuck to my non contact rules none of this would have happened. I know i have fucked up major time, its all my fault and I am stupid
I have really fucked up I just can't stop crying. I hate having anxiety I feel like it's the end of world . I am the worst person ever.

 

[FireFox]

I have fucked up major time, its all my fault and I am stupid
I have really fucked up I just can't stop crying. I hate having anxiety I feel like it's the end of world . I am the worst person ever.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Honestly, good riddenance. Based on what you have said before about the guy, there were a lot of red flags waving all around him. I understand that you are upset about this and that you've been having trouble with connecting with other guys but I'm sure that you'll find someone else who is good for you. It takes time to find people you happen to click with and sometimes it can come about unexpectedly. At the end of the day, someone who gets this mad at you for something you aren't even guilty of is the type of person you don't want in your life.

 

[FireFox]

Honestly, good riddenance. Based on what you have said before about the guy, there were a lot of red flags waving all around him. I understand that you are upset about this and that you've been having trouble with connecting with other guys but I'm sure that you'll find someone else who is good for you. It takes time to find people you happen to click with and sometimes it can come about unexpectedly. At the end of the day, someone who gets this mad at you for something you aren't even guilty of is the type of person you don't want in your life.

@EvisceratedJester it's so werid because in person he is softly spoken and calm when we interact so i find it hard at times to see him as toxic and troubled. I have never seen a man like him behave this way. I am used to men being directly rude to me but he is just different in how he behaves.

He complains I am hard to read but with him I find him a mystery, someone I can't figure you out. After he did the silent treatment which caused me to beg him for forgiveness I now realise he knew I was going to come running back to him. He was so calm and relaxed seeing me breaking down infront of them due to distress he caused me. Only rescently I pieced it together.

Meeting him on Wednesday after a long time not much in his life has not changed he is still single and unsuccessful with women and living the same life.

● I told him i wish his more honest when he said he doesnt find me dominant the evidence was there he was not being honest. He said to my face he finds doesn't find me dominant but believes I am "pushy". I did apologise to him for being too much in organising potential future dates during the summer we had till it went wrong and I apologised for not making him feel like a "real man"

When we started messaging in the evening he said " you send mixed signals I don't know whether you are looking at me in administration or want to have sex with me with a laughing emoji.

I confronted him over the comments he made about my height because I was so hurt. He said it was never intended to "offend me" and he was just worried when it came to sex him being a bigger man things would be awkward in the bedroom.. I used the evening night to explain all the things he did to hurt me during the summer we had.

He kept acting like he didn't even reject me even though he did that was the most disturbing part .

There is something about him sometimes he a mix of arrogance, benevolence, humour and I just can't tell. I feel like I am always in the wrong. My grandmother thinks he is a POS who would have gone on to abuse me had things progressed between us.

 

[wren-briar]

My grandmother thinks "he needs to shave and doesn't wash himself " and can't understand why I am upset over a man who "sells CBD, doesn't like people going to church and doesn't shave"

Some people find men with stubble or a beard attractive, so there's nothing inherently bad about that.

I'm a wee bit curious why, based solely on a photo, she thought he needed to wash himself.

So, I can't say that I really agree with your grandmother on these points.

Someone who is an atheist or agnostic may -and it sounds like, in y'alls case, did- have a problem dating someone who goes to church. If you wanted to continue going to church, and he was okay with that, I would still expect that mismatch alone would likely cause problems.

So, I can't say that I really disagree with your grandmother on this point.

My grandmother thinks he is a POS who would have gone on to abuse me had things progressed between us.

Based on the way you described his reaction to the photo, I'm with your grandmother on this!

 

[FireFox]

Some people find men with stubble or a beard attractive, so there's nothing inherently bad about that.

I'm a wee bit curious why, based solely on a photo, she thought he needed to wash himself.

So, I can't say that I really agree with your grandmother on these points.

Someone who is an atheist or agnostic may -and it sounds like, in y'alls case, did- have a problem dating someone who goes to church. If you wanted to continue going to church, and he was okay with that, I would still expect that mismatch alone would likely cause problems.

So, I can't say that I really disagree with your grandmother on this point.




Based on the way you described his reaction to the photo, I'm with your grandmother on this!

@wren-briar I made clear to him that my religion is part of my life but I will NEVER force my beliefs on him. I am very tolerant and respectful of other people's beliefs. I accepted him for who he is but he can't accept for I am. He is a militant athiest, my Catholicism is a problem for him. This is the one of the reasons why he rejected me.

I have never met a guy like this. He complains I am "difficult to read" but when it comes to him he feels like a mystery, I am always trying to figure him out but I just can't. His mysterious personality I find alluring.

He has unhealthy behaviors. I find it disturbing he doesn't even acknowledge he was the one who rejected me.

 

[wren-briar]

he can't accept for I am. ... This is the one of the reasons why he rejected me.

I understand it can be hard to accept, but he's very clearly set his own boundaries. Regardless of your willingness to be flexible on this, "no" means "no" and (a) you need to respect such a clear boundary and (b) you should try to respect him for being honest and forthright about such a boundary (it's not uncommon for religious mismatches to cause problems down the line for many couples, especially if a wedding or children enter the picture.)

His mysterious personality I find alluring.

I think most of us can empathize with this, but he's made it clear that regardless of how you feel about him he isn't going to reciprocate.

Such situations hurt, they can hurt so very much, but a relationship requires an active partnership, and he's not even on the field, let alone interested in a partnership.

Pining for him won't change this fundamental state.

He has unhealthy behaviors. I find it disturbing he doesn't even acknowledge he was the one who rejected me.

Fuck him!

You clearly have a lot of love to share with someone, and he clearly is not deserving of that love!

Many of us have been where you are. And it honestly sucks to be where you are right now! But, based on what you've shared -in your heart of hearts- you know that you'll never have a real, ongoing relationship with him, so why are you letting yourself waste time, and energy, and frankly this part of your life on a relationship which you know won't happen?

Why not spend this time, this energy, and this part of your life just meeting lots of new people and learning (or diving deeper into) a hobby or two? (You never know, you just might meet someone else who is even more alluring and who is also interested in spending their time and their energy having a relationship with you.)

 

[FireFox]

I understand it can be hard to accept, but he's very clearly set his own boundaries. Regardless of your willingness to be flexible on this, "no" means "no" and (a) you need to respect such a clear boundary and (b) you should try to respect him for being honest and forthright about such a boundary (it's not uncommon for religious mismatches to cause problems down the line for many couples, especially if a wedding or children enter the picture.)



I think most of us can empathize with this, but he's made it clear that regardless of how you feel about him he isn't going to reciprocate.

Such situations hurt, they can hurt so very much, but a relationship requires an active partnership, and he's not even on the field, let alone interested in a partnership.

Pining for him won't change this fundamental state.



Fuck him!

You clearly have a lot of love to share with someone, and he clearly is not deserving of that love!

Many of us have been where you are. And it honestly sucks to be where you are right now! But, based on what you've shared -in your heart of hearts- you know that you'll never have a real, ongoing relationship with him, so why are you letting yourself waste time, and energy, and frankly this part of your life on a relationship which you know won't happen?

Why not spend this time, this energy, and this part of your life just meeting lots of new people and learning (or diving deeper into) a hobby or two? (You never know, you just might meet someone else who is even more alluring and who is also interested in spending their time and their energy having a relationship with you.)

@wren-briar The loneliness in my current life makes me miss him so much even more. I go university events and make the effort to talk to guys and get to know them but still I click with no one and guys don't click with either its always another woman they find or want but it's never me. I am lonely in so many ways. My family don't listen, I have no friends to socialise with because everyone is busy with university work and their jobs when not studying.

I feel like I will never met another fun and exciting like him and made me feel things again.

He has a long list of toxic behaviours, I am still shaken over the long slient treatment he subjected me to. He acted like the whole thing never happened making it even more disturbing.

 

[Quotable2793]

He sounds like kind of an asshole and he obviously has anger issues and lashes out at you. You don't want to be with a guy like that. Not to mention the fact that he seems to dislike your religion. If your religion is important to you at all, you guys wouldn't be compatible. Anti-theist means he actively hates theistic religions. Christianity/Catholicism is a monotheistic religion.

 

[FireFox]

He sounds like kind of an asshole and he obviously has anger issues and lashes out at you. You don't want to be with a guy like that. Not to mention the fact that he seems to dislike your religion. If your religion is important to you at all, you guys wouldn't be compatible. Anti-theist means he actively hates theistic religions. Christianity/Catholicism is a monotheistic religion.

@Quotable2793 Him rejecting me for being a Catholic is what hurts the most. If he didn't find me attractive or wanted another woman I would have coped better as this is what I have always gone through.

I respect everyone right to believe in whatever deity or no God/deity and I accepted him for who he is but he couldn't even do the same for me. I don't force my beliefs on people.

It's no matter what i do I am never enough for a man it's always something wrong with me. I can't stop crying about it. I know I will get over him but it's a matter of when.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I respect everyone right to believe in whatever deity or no God/deity and I accepted him for who he is but he couldn't even do the same for me. I don't force my beliefs on people.

I mean, I feel like most anti-theists aren't going to want to date someone religious. It isn't about whether or not you are accepting of other beliefs, it's about the fact that you are engaging in something that he is completely against. My bf is kind of religious (he believes in Jesus and goes to church, though I do not know if he considers himself to be a Christian or just spiritual) and I'm an anti-theist. There is something a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing, especially since it feels like I have to walk on glass whenever the topic of religion comes up, even though he is accepting of me being an atheist. As a result, I can see why he wouldn't want to date you due to your faith. It's not you as a person who is the problem, it's the fact that you are engaging in something that he is against that's the problem.

 

[FireFox]

I mean, I feel like most anti-theists aren't going to want to date someone religious. It isn't about whether or not you are accepting of other beliefs, it's about the fact that you are engaging in something that he is completely against. My bf is kind of religious (he believes in Jesus and goes to church, though I do not know if he considers himself to be a Christian or just spiritual) and I'm an anti-theist. There is something a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing, especially since it feels like I have to walk on glass whenever the topic of religion comes up, even though he is accepting of me being an atheist. As a result, I can see why he wouldn't want to date you due to your faith. It's not you as a person who is the problem, it's the fact that you are engaging in something that he is against that's the problem.

@EvisceratedJester Every time a guy rejects me I feel like I am imperfect and there is something wrong with me. My own father didn't want me he left my mum when she was pregnant with me for another woman to start a new family with. Learning the truth as a teenager I questioned what is so good about this woman that our family wasn't good enough for him ?

why can't someone choose me for once ? This is the rejection that has pretty much driven over the edge. I talk to loads of guys but none of them are him. I really wanted him he so much

 

[EvisceratedJester]

@EvisceratedJester Every time a guy rejects me I feel like I am imperfect and there is something wrong with me. My own father didn't want me he left my mum when she was pregnant with me for another woman to start a new family with. Learning the truth as a teenager I questioned what is so good about this woman that our family wasn't good enough for him ?

why can't someone choose me for once ? This is the rejection that has pretty much driven over the edge. I talk to loads of guys but none of them are him. I really wanted him he so much

I mean, you are imperfect. Everyone is. Your father leaving you isn't your fault. You weren't even born yet. You shouldn't base your self-worth on what you think worthless dumbasses who abandon their kids think. Their opinion means nothing.

I feel like part of the problem is that you haven't moved on yet. None of those other guys are going to be him and you shouldn't compare them to him. You might be able to connect with them but it may not be in the same way you connect with him and if you keep on comparing them to him then you may not see the connection that is right there in front of you.

I'm sorry if this reply comes off as rushed. I'm in class right now, lol.