DeathWillComeSoon
New Member
- Nov 1, 2021
- 4
I don't know what to do anymore to be honest. I've been dealing with mental health issues my whole life it seems. I had a pretty traumatic childhood till I was 14 and lived through the foster system since I was 14 and aged out on my 19th birthday which was August 31st 2021, so not long ago. I started with smoking marijuana and drinking 3 days before my 18th birthday and would drink and smoke weed occasionally afterwards and I thought nothing of it at the time since weed and alcohol was legal where I lived at the age of 19.
On February 16th of this year I was asked out by this guy that I decided to drunk call randomly from a stupid dating app. We clicked ever since, even though he lived in Alberta and I lived in British Colombia. We had a very healthy relationship, I got a job at my local grocery store to help save up so he could come down to see me, which he did on July 2nd. He stayed till July 18th, which were the happiest days of my life to this day, and I don't have many happy times..these moments were just very special for me. When I aged out of care with the ministry, I stayed at a motel, which was only supposed to last a few weeks, till I moved to Edmonton, Alberta to be with my boyfriend. We had a place paid for and everything, furniture purchased..it was supposed to be my start into adulthood. But on September 13th, 5 days before my flight left for Alberta, I decided to smoke some weed, even though I knew the consequences. I lit the motel bed on fire that night (don't ask why, I was crazy). That night I got pulled off from the side of the bridge, as I was about to jump off, I climbed over the railings.
My boyfriend broke up with me, I was arrested for arson the next day after staying in the hospital ER the night before, and I was living in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks, dealing with my first heartbreak during it all. This, however isn't where I wanted to ctb. I cried every night for the first week. And then I got covid, which meant I had to self isolate in a shitty motel, but this was honestly an upgrade in my circumstances. On October 1st, I went to stay at a place called the Friendship Lodge which is an apartment-like building that provides low income housing for people at risk of being homeless. I made a bad decision a couple weeks ago, met up with some older guy, did things that I get into, and ate shrooms. This was at 3am on a Monday, and the start of my deep depression that I have fallen into and don't know how to get out of, or if I even want to at this point, I'm just so tired of being alive. Well, anyways, we were both crazy due to the drugs, he had scary anger issues, I guess I didn't sleep because the trip was so bad, the next morning I wanted to leave but couldn't because I was just so out of it at this point, and he hurt me. He strangled me, pulled me along the floor from room to room, kicked me in the face which gave me a black eye, kicked me in the ribs, and pressed his cigarette against my face and body. During all of this, I felt broken moments of pain, wasn't too sure of if it was real or not, and most of it, I was completely numb, not feeling anything physically. Nobody would understand unless they have done shrooms before or other drugs that have similar affects. I left, forgetting my phone and glasses, ended up getting arrested, I cried and had a mental breakdown in the cell after I sobered up, wondering if i would get my phone and glasses back (I didn't), and heavily contemplated suicide. It started out not being so severe, and I don't think it's at it's full strength either seeing as it has only been a couple months or so of everything piling up.
I cut every 2 or 3 days, I barely enjoy doing anything anymore, everything is a struggle. I don't know if anyone can relate but I don't shower, brush my teeth, I barely eat and when I do, it's just junk, not real food. I stopped taking my antidepressants about a week ago because I want to stock up for a few more weeks until I have enough to hopefully end my life. I take 20mg prozac a day and 300mg quetiapine a day, getting 7 days worth every Thursday. I've done my research and found that people have died from very small amounts of these 2 drugs and people have lived after consuming over 30,000mg, ending up a vegetable. It is dependent on several factors it seems. So hopefully I succeed. I know there are other ways of doing this properly to guarantee death, but I have access to my antidepressants and nothing else. I just hope that if I do end up being a vegetable, that they kill me through assisted suicide, I will clarify that in my suicide note.
Maybe I can meet some cool people on here before I make my decision, let me know if any of you want to chat, I have snapchat, FB, here. I'm just very lonely, and I don't want my last days to be in complete misery you know? Maybe I can help someone else on here with my story or my support, I'm not sure. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, I appreciate it.
On February 16th of this year I was asked out by this guy that I decided to drunk call randomly from a stupid dating app. We clicked ever since, even though he lived in Alberta and I lived in British Colombia. We had a very healthy relationship, I got a job at my local grocery store to help save up so he could come down to see me, which he did on July 2nd. He stayed till July 18th, which were the happiest days of my life to this day, and I don't have many happy times..these moments were just very special for me. When I aged out of care with the ministry, I stayed at a motel, which was only supposed to last a few weeks, till I moved to Edmonton, Alberta to be with my boyfriend. We had a place paid for and everything, furniture purchased..it was supposed to be my start into adulthood. But on September 13th, 5 days before my flight left for Alberta, I decided to smoke some weed, even though I knew the consequences. I lit the motel bed on fire that night (don't ask why, I was crazy). That night I got pulled off from the side of the bridge, as I was about to jump off, I climbed over the railings.
My boyfriend broke up with me, I was arrested for arson the next day after staying in the hospital ER the night before, and I was living in a homeless shelter for a couple weeks, dealing with my first heartbreak during it all. This, however isn't where I wanted to ctb. I cried every night for the first week. And then I got covid, which meant I had to self isolate in a shitty motel, but this was honestly an upgrade in my circumstances. On October 1st, I went to stay at a place called the Friendship Lodge which is an apartment-like building that provides low income housing for people at risk of being homeless. I made a bad decision a couple weeks ago, met up with some older guy, did things that I get into, and ate shrooms. This was at 3am on a Monday, and the start of my deep depression that I have fallen into and don't know how to get out of, or if I even want to at this point, I'm just so tired of being alive. Well, anyways, we were both crazy due to the drugs, he had scary anger issues, I guess I didn't sleep because the trip was so bad, the next morning I wanted to leave but couldn't because I was just so out of it at this point, and he hurt me. He strangled me, pulled me along the floor from room to room, kicked me in the face which gave me a black eye, kicked me in the ribs, and pressed his cigarette against my face and body. During all of this, I felt broken moments of pain, wasn't too sure of if it was real or not, and most of it, I was completely numb, not feeling anything physically. Nobody would understand unless they have done shrooms before or other drugs that have similar affects. I left, forgetting my phone and glasses, ended up getting arrested, I cried and had a mental breakdown in the cell after I sobered up, wondering if i would get my phone and glasses back (I didn't), and heavily contemplated suicide. It started out not being so severe, and I don't think it's at it's full strength either seeing as it has only been a couple months or so of everything piling up.
I cut every 2 or 3 days, I barely enjoy doing anything anymore, everything is a struggle. I don't know if anyone can relate but I don't shower, brush my teeth, I barely eat and when I do, it's just junk, not real food. I stopped taking my antidepressants about a week ago because I want to stock up for a few more weeks until I have enough to hopefully end my life. I take 20mg prozac a day and 300mg quetiapine a day, getting 7 days worth every Thursday. I've done my research and found that people have died from very small amounts of these 2 drugs and people have lived after consuming over 30,000mg, ending up a vegetable. It is dependent on several factors it seems. So hopefully I succeed. I know there are other ways of doing this properly to guarantee death, but I have access to my antidepressants and nothing else. I just hope that if I do end up being a vegetable, that they kill me through assisted suicide, I will clarify that in my suicide note.
Maybe I can meet some cool people on here before I make my decision, let me know if any of you want to chat, I have snapchat, FB, here. I'm just very lonely, and I don't want my last days to be in complete misery you know? Maybe I can help someone else on here with my story or my support, I'm not sure. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, I appreciate it.
