I might actually try to finally live

[beyondthestars]

Hey all!
I joined this site about 2 years ago after 40 years of intense suffering. Despite some good months here and there, much of the last 3 decades were filled with regular and intense suicidal thoughts. A few times I passed through the eye of the needle, I've no idea how I'm even still alive to write this, but alive I am. I still have my research about suicide methods and my preferred way of dying, but it seems I've got some hope again and won't need to go through with it after all.

Somehow I came back here after 1,5 years absence to share this. I'd be so happy if even one person reads it.
I tried to find help in so many places and with so many so-called professionals, they were all a bunch of useless assholes.

After so much struggling and countless dead-ends, I surprisingly only recently learned that:
* My childhood was EXTREMELY traumatizing, what I'm really dealing with is CPTSD. Due to this I've got no chance to even function remotely normally in this crazy world
* Even though there's a lot of research and many books on this topic, the medical system is still woefully unprepared in correctly diagnosing and treating this. (It's only been recognised by the World Health Organisation last year in ICD-11)

What gives me hope, are some processes I've been doing by myself that finally brought some relief and progress in the last 6 months:
1) MDMA theraphy
2) Meditation
3) Integral Family Systems work

I'm sure the road ahead is bumpy, with often 5 steps forwards and 4 steps backwards. But at least I've got hope again, and nobody can take that away from me.

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

Love you all!

 

[codedarchaeologist]

I'm so glad to be reading this! I've read up on CPTSD in the past, and yeah, it's so poorly diagnosed and treated. It's not even fully established as a thing yet.

I haven't heard of MDMA therapy before! Would you like to expand on what that entails?

 

[toro]

Hey all!
I joined this site about 2 years ago after 40 years of intense suffering. Despite some good months here and there, much of the last 3 decades were filled with regular and intense suicidal thoughts. A few times I passed through the eye of the needle, I've no idea how I'm even still alive to write this, but alive I am. I still have my research about suicide methods and my preferred way of dying, but it seems I've got some hope again and won't need to go through with it after all.

Somehow I came back here after 1,5 years absence to share this. I'd be so happy if even one person reads it.
I tried to find help in so many places and with so many so-called professionals, they were all a bunch of useless assholes.

After so much struggling and countless dead-ends, I surprisingly only recently learned that:
* My childhood was EXTREMELY traumatizing, what I'm really dealing with is CPTSD. Due to this I've got no chance to even function remotely normally in this crazy world
* Even though there's a lot of research and many books on this topic, the medical system is still woefully unprepared in correctly diagnosing and treating this. (It's only been recognised by the World Health Organisation last year in ICD-11)

What gives me hope, are some processes I've been doing by myself that finally brought some relief and progress in the last 6 months:
1) MDMA theraphy
2) Meditation
3) Integral Family Systems work

I'm sure the road ahead is bumpy, with often 5 steps forwards and 4 steps backwards. But at least I've got hope again, and nobody can take that away from me.

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

Love you all!

IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! goodluck in recovery, youll always have us cheering you on in the background :D well wishes!

 

[beyondthestars]

I'm so glad to be reading this! I've read up on CPTSD in the past, and yeah, it's so poorly diagnosed and treated. It's not even fully established as a thing yet.

Thank you!!!
Nowadays the WHO has recognised it!
"CODE 6B41 Complex post traumatic stress disorder"
Warning, here's some very formal language ahead:

ICD-11 for Mortality and Morbidity Statistics

I haven't heard of MDMA therapy before! Would you like to expand on what that entails?

MDMA has been used by psychologists and psychiatrists since the 1970's to treat trauma. Partly underground, as it became a forbidden substance for a while.
By using MDMA in a peaceful therapeutic setting a lot of internal blockades fall away so you can access and heal yourself. You get flooded with serotonin and other feel-good chemicals so anxiety and other defenses quiet down for a while. A lot of healing is happening by itself, although it's good to take the weeks afterwards for integrating. The weeks afterward both beautiful experiences surface as well as sometimes painfull memories that need some time to get processed.

The first time I did MDMA I felt happiness for the first time in many many months. The two weeks after the session I regularly entered a space of deep silent meditation and deep inner peace. I would just sit quietly for hours and hours, entirely at peace!

MAPS is a medical organisation testing MDMA for PTSD and trying to get it legalised:

MDMA-Assisted Therapy for PTSD – Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies – MAPS

maps.org

Reddit has a friendly forum dedicated to discussing therapeutic MDMA:

Reddit - Dive into anything

www.reddit.com

Australia just now legalised MDMA for therapeutic use:

Australia has legalised MDMA to treat mental health. Is Europe next?

It is now legal in Austria to prescribe MDMA and psilocybin to treat some mental health issues. Are other countries likely to follow suit?

www.euronews.com

And then google has a bunch of articles about it as well:
link

IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! goodluck in recovery, youll always have us cheering you on in the background :D well wishes!

Thank you so much Toro! :D

 

[codedarchaeologist]

Omggg thank you for such a thorough response! You've got links and sources and everything. I'll definitely read up on them, thanks!

 

[jodes2]

Congratulations!

 

[PrisonBreak]

All the best with your recovery!

 

[imnotokay]

Thank you for sharing!

 

[Regen]

It is wonderful to read your hopeful, powerful text. Stay in your power. Remember your path when you're about to take four steps backwards, and then look forward to taking five steps forward again. Progress is also slow. And when you look back after a while, you suddenly see how far you've come. And you look around and think that the landscape is much nicer here.

 

[blackwidow]

Well done you!! I wish you love and luck.. How can anyone not be happy for you..!! After all... Noone here wants to feel the way they do.. So this is just lovely to hear! You got this! Have a happy life lovely!

 

[Eleni.Forest]

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

I really hope I can feel this way in the future. Thank you for this! It was very helpful. More than you know.

 

[hxppythxught]

Congratulations! Happy for you!

 

[beyondthestars]

I really hope I can feel this way in the future. Thank you for this! It was very helpful. More than you know.

I'm so happy to hear that! We're rooting for you!

Right now I'm just reading a bit in this book about healing past trauma, maybe, just maybe it's something you'd like as well :-)

Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy by Jay Earley - PDF Drive

www.pdfdrive.com

Either way, wish you all the best! Hugs from an internet friend

 

[metalpi]

MDMA therapy has truly helped me. I'm lucky to find a therapist who'd be willing to not tell and participate under the table so to say.

i still don't want to be alive but it makes life a bit easier with revelations but it doesn't get rid of the unfair and depressing truths that no one can stop suffering and you don't always have the means to deal with that suffering but it creates a path and I am forever thankful

 

[LocalAngel]

Good luck, i'm glad you feel this way! Recovery is something that people can do, and i really hope it goes well for you. ^^

 

[cassxtho]

Good luck!! I recommend stoicism, it helps me deal with my emotions more than anything.

 

[Source Energy]

Hey all!
I joined this site about 2 years ago after 40 years of intense suffering. Despite some good months here and there, much of the last 3 decades were filled with regular and intense suicidal thoughts. A few times I passed through the eye of the needle, I've no idea how I'm even still alive to write this, but alive I am. I still have my research about suicide methods and my preferred way of dying, but it seems I've got some hope again and won't need to go through with it after all.

Somehow I came back here after 1,5 years absence to share this. I'd be so happy if even one person reads it.
I tried to find help in so many places and with so many so-called professionals, they were all a bunch of useless assholes.

After so much struggling and countless dead-ends, I surprisingly only recently learned that:
* My childhood was EXTREMELY traumatizing, what I'm really dealing with is CPTSD. Due to this I've got no chance to even function remotely normally in this crazy world
* Even though there's a lot of research and many books on this topic, the medical system is still woefully unprepared in correctly diagnosing and treating this. (It's only been recognised by the World Health Organisation last year in ICD-11)

What gives me hope, are some processes I've been doing by myself that finally brought some relief and progress in the last 6 months:
1) MDMA theraphy
2) Meditation
3) Integral Family Systems work

I'm sure the road ahead is bumpy, with often 5 steps forwards and 4 steps backwards. But at least I've got hope again, and nobody can take that away from me.

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

Love you all!

I'm happy for you, and I envy you all the same.
Me too, same story -30 decades of being suicidal on and off. Got to the end of the rope lately. I wish it got better for me too, but idk :(
Good luck

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Genuinely happy for you

 

[irie]

Happy for you! I wish you the best of luck with recovery, you deserve good things

 

[Hitakiri]

Remember, even with 5 steps forward and 4 steps backwards, you're always one step ahead from where you were. Slowly, but surely, you've got this.

 

[nozomu]

Can you

Hey all!
I joined this site about 2 years ago after 40 years of intense suffering. Despite some good months here and there, much of the last 3 decades were filled with regular and intense suicidal thoughts. A few times I passed through the eye of the needle, I've no idea how I'm even still alive to write this, but alive I am. I still have my research about suicide methods and my preferred way of dying, but it seems I've got some hope again and won't need to go through with it after all.

Somehow I came back here after 1,5 years absence to share this. I'd be so happy if even one person reads it.
I tried to find help in so many places and with so many so-called professionals, they were all a bunch of useless assholes.

After so much struggling and countless dead-ends, I surprisingly only recently learned that:
* My childhood was EXTREMELY traumatizing, what I'm really dealing with is CPTSD. Due to this I've got no chance to even function remotely normally in this crazy world
* Even though there's a lot of research and many books on this topic, the medical system is still woefully unprepared in correctly diagnosing and treating this. (It's only been recognised by the World Health Organisation last year in ICD-11)

What gives me hope, are some processes I've been doing by myself that finally brought some relief and progress in the last 6 months:
1) MDMA theraphy
2) Meditation
3) Integral Family Systems work

I'm sure the road ahead is bumpy, with often 5 steps forwards and 4 steps backwards. But at least I've got hope again, and nobody can take that away from me.

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

Love you all!

Can you explain the MDMA therapy you do? I am considering trying to do MDMA as a last ditch effort to try to avoid CTB.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Hey, I'm sorry I missed your thread before. How's the recovery going? Still good I hope. MDMA therapy sounds incredible but I've never heard of it before.

 

[beyondthestars]

Good luck!! I recommend stoicism, it helps me deal with my emotions more than anything.

Thanks! It's been 8-9 months since I was on this site. I'm not sure if I read your comment back then. But I'm reading it now, and reading an introductory to stoicism and it seems really helpful.

I'm happy for you, and I envy you all the same.
Me too, same story -30 decades of being suicidal on and off. Got to the end of the rope lately. I wish it got better for me too, but idk :(
Good luck

So sorry to see your name crossed out here. Moves me to tears. Sending you endless hugs and love, to wherever you might be now. I hope you're at rest.

Remember, even with 5 steps forward and 4 steps backwards, you're always one step ahead from where you were. Slowly, but surely, you've got this.

You wrote a short sentence and a kind word many months ago. Yet it touches me deeply and I'm very grateful for what you wrote here. I needed this in a tough moment.

Much love.

Can you

Can you explain the MDMA therapy you do? I am considering trying to do MDMA as a last ditch effort to try to avoid CTB.

Lost in a dream asked the same question. I'll explain a bit below. Even if it's a long time since you asked this question, I hope at some point in the future you'll read this reply and it will be of some use to you.

Hey, I'm sorry I missed your thread before. How's the recovery going? Still good I hope. MDMA therapy sounds incredible but I've never heard of it before.

Thanks to all of you for this question! I'm happy to answer :-)
I'd tell you that's never too late for a reply. I definitely feel this about your reply that came 1,5 month later. Even if I'm highly doubtful that this reply is useful or read by anyone, I hope that even my reply of 9 months later is useful to someone, including you. I would have messaged you directly, but for some reason I can't open people's profiles.

I hope this reply is readable enough. I didn't prove read, and I know I'm prone to skipping words and sentences.

On too mdma theraphy.
Mdma theraphy has been something that's been done for over 50 years. Psychologists and psychiatrists were using in in the 60's with great result. MAPS is one organisation using mdmatheraphy on patients for healing. It's used for CPTSD for example.

At the end of 2021 I discovered I had cptsd, and this was were all my life problems started.
In the autumn of 2022 I started with mdma theraphy, as well as psilocybin & 2f-ketamine. I tried other medicine too, but they're not relevant.

Mdma seems almost to have a wisdom of it's own. I feel every session brings me what I need, as long as I"m open. It floods me with love, and sometimes I stay long time in these feelings of love. Other times it brings up intense pain from the past, which I can know process due the background of the strong love that I'm feeling.
It's now december 2023 so it's been now been about 15 months of me taking mdma about once every 6-8 weeks. I've done close to 10 sessions by now.
In a nutshell MDMA can give you the following things if used respectfully:
1. Overwhelming feeling of love & happiness, as a strong reference point of what's possible.
2. Working on past traumatic events. Thanks to the flood of positive hormones you can work on traumatic experiences that are normally to overwhelming. One can access traumatic experiences that might be entirely surpressed and unconcious.
3. Get a big kick to get out of your depressive swamp.

Other things that are possible:
4. Deep meditative states, hearing or reading words of spiritual teachers on a whole other level
5. Deep connection with other people. (Taking it with good friends is a whole other level).
6. Deep sensual times. (Can be great, but can also be a distraction.)

Theraphy with an experienced guide is probably invaluable. I've gone very deep with this medicine and feel I could go a lot deeper still. HOWEVER, I've had only the opportunity to use it solo, with a partner who has limited respect for therapeutic setting, and in small groups of up to 8 people were people had different intentions and desires. I'd love to try it with an experienced theraphist. In the meantime, the sessions with my partner were most valuable, after that the solo sessions.

There are a few things that are very important:
Substance & right dosage (mdma I've take 80 to 150mg, the sweet spot is 80-120 for me)
Set & Setting
* Set is the surroundings. A clean, peaceful, meditative ambience is great. People you trust and are comfortable with. A 5+ hour playlist with relaxing beautiful music. Alone or together, we usually meditate or lie down and for the first 2-3 hours we stay by ourselves, unless someone needs support.
* Setting is your own mental, physical, emotional state. Although mdma is quite forgiving I wouldn't use it again after a breakup for example. It was 6 hours of bliss, but the clifff and pain afterwards was that much more intense.
Integration: the 1,5 -3 months afterwards are for integrating your experience. After my first session I regularly and spontaneously entered into a deep harmonious meditative state. Other reactions are possible too, traumatic experiences might need integrating. Feelings of intense loneliness have also come up.

This is just a short intro on mdma. On reddit one could go to /r/mdmatheraphy. There many other resources too.

Other things that have been very helpful in this past year of healing:
* psilocybin (magic mushrooms)
* 2f-ketamine

I'm happy to share more if anyone still reads this.

I so much appreciate all your replies and kind words. Much love to all. Especially

Source Energy

,

irie

,

LocalAngel

. Did you really pass on, dear ones? I'm so sorry we didn't get another chance to exchange love and hugs here.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Rooting for you! Nice that you figured out a name for your condition and found treatments.

 

[beyondthestars]

I'm just rereading my own year old post. I've to say that recovery is fucking hard
I did so much healing in the last year and still have so much longer to go. It's absolutely insane.

It is wonderful to read your hopeful, powerful text. Stay in your power. Remember your path when you're about to take four steps backwards, and then look forward to taking five steps forward again. Progress is also slow. And when you look back after a while, you suddenly see how far you've come. And you look around and think that the landscape is much nicer here.

I just reread this. One year later those words are still helpful

I'll guess I'll take your advice and remember those words. Just took four steps back just now. Onwards we go... just another step.

 

[26mmmm]

Hey all!
I joined this site about 2 years ago after 40 years of intense suffering. Despite some good months here and there, much of the last 3 decades were filled with regular and intense suicidal thoughts. A few times I passed through the eye of the needle, I've no idea how I'm even still alive to write this, but alive I am. I still have my research about suicide methods and my preferred way of dying, but it seems I've got some hope again and won't need to go through with it after all.

Somehow I came back here after 1,5 years absence to share this. I'd be so happy if even one person reads it.
I tried to find help in so many places and with so many so-called professionals, they were all a bunch of useless assholes.

After so much struggling and countless dead-ends, I surprisingly only recently learned that:
* My childhood was EXTREMELY traumatizing, what I'm really dealing with is CPTSD. Due to this I've got no chance to even function remotely normally in this crazy world
* Even though there's a lot of research and many books on this topic, the medical system is still woefully unprepared in correctly diagnosing and treating this. (It's only been recognised by the World Health Organisation last year in ICD-11)

What gives me hope, are some processes I've been doing by myself that finally brought some relief and progress in the last 6 months:
1) MDMA theraphy
2) Meditation
3) Integral Family Systems work

I'm sure the road ahead is bumpy, with often 5 steps forwards and 4 steps backwards. But at least I've got hope again, and nobody can take that away from me.

It's so nice to ever so slowly drop the constant anxiety, heal the painful memories, to let go of the past and just simply be here.

Love you all!

I've also just recently started realizing what I've been through, and im still on a self discovery journey which I hope will bring me more clarity.
Before that I would just take all the negativity and darkness for granted, which is an awful spot to be in.
Good luck in your journey

 

[beyondthestars]

Before that I would just take all the negativity and darkness for granted, which is an awful spot to be in.

That's indeed a horrible place to be in! It's possible to be free of all that, there's hope, yet it will take a bit of work to get there.. Good luck to you!

 

[lovelydeath]

Congrats on finding hope and good luck.
I need to try meditation too ive been hearing it everywhere lately.

 

[Regen]

I'm just rereading my own year old post. I've to say that recovery is fucking hard
I did so much healing in the last year and still have so much longer to go. It's absolutely insane.



I just reread this. One year later those words are still helpful

I'll guess I'll take your advice and remember those words. Just took four steps back just now. Onwards we go... just another step.

Thank you for your words. This really means a lot to me!

I also find recovery difficult. I'm fighting too.

But it's become a little easier for me because I'm no longer fighting alone, which helps me not feel so abandoned and flawed. What I like here in the forum, among other things, I found in a slightly different form in the community of anonymous meetings. It's not a miracle cure, but it helps me keep going when I feel very alone and desperate. Further ideas emerged from the work there.

I won't give up today, I'll only think about tomorrow tomorrow...

I also find the radical acceptance interesting. But I find it very difficult to accept what my life is like.

I now also find solace in Buddhism and meditation and listen to a really wonderful coach (free on YouTube).

I still find life incredibly difficult and so I absolutely understand everyone who says they can't keep fighting.

But I am very happy about every single person who manages to keep going. I'm so happy that you're alive and that you're continuing to fight! You are not alone. And I have now met many people who have struggled for a very long time, with a lot of ups and downs, and who are actually doing better today.

I wish you with all my heart that this happiness comes to you!!! And also to me :-)

 

[beyondthestars]

Thank you for your words. This really means a lot to me!

I also find recovery difficult. I'm fighting too.

But it's become a little easier for me because I'm no longer fighting alone, which helps me not feel so abandoned and flawed. What I like here in the forum, among other things, I found in a slightly different form in the community of anonymous meetings. It's not a miracle cure, but it helps me keep going when I feel very alone and desperate. Further ideas emerged from the work there.

I won't give up today, I'll only think about tomorrow tomorrow...

I also find the radical acceptance interesting. But I find it very difficult to accept what my life is like.

I now also find solace in Buddhism and meditation and listen to a really wonderful coach (free on YouTube).

I still find life incredibly difficult and so I absolutely understand everyone who says they can't keep fighting.

But I am very happy about every single person who manages to keep going. I'm so happy that you're alive and that you're continuing to fight! You are not alone. And I have now met many people who have struggled for a very long time, with a lot of ups and downs, and who are actually doing better today.

I wish you with all my heart that this happiness comes to you!!! And also to me :-)

Hey Regen,

I loved reading your post, it resonated a lot with me. Many things you shared here I could say right back at ya :-)

It's good to hear you're still fighting though! Much better then haven given up, no matter how tough it is. Something that really helped me lately was the thought of taking the smallest possible steps I could take. Nothing overwhelmingly big, just tiny, baby steps.

Radical acceptance is great. Yet at times it comes and at other times I find I'm very far removed from it. I feel it's nothing something to be forced, or that needs to be done. It's also okay to be deeply unhappy and dissatisfied with our own lives.

I'm glad you found a community of people with whom you can share each other struggles! Would you mind sharing the community (via PM). I've been looking for something like this! If you don't want to share it's all good :-)

Wishing you and anyone who reads this lots of happiness, strength and power!
Keep on fighting, one tiny step at a time :-)